Okay being me

There have been times when I wished and wanted to be someone else.
Be other people.
They seem to have it good.
But I'm okay being me.
This thing, life, you grab by the horns and make your own.
Here's to making myself proud!

My hope

You are everything and more
My confidante and best friend
My left and right
The one who completes my songs & sings them along as their own, too
My calm place and home of restful adventure
My partner in the dance of life
My co-host
The secret ingredient to the stew of my life
My lover and sometimes, only sometimes, reason for my frustration
The one who tickles me with word and deed
My fan
My team
A beautifully themed background song to my life
My Neo
You are everything and more.

I love you. I appreciate you. I celebrate you. Thank you for the  gift of friendship.

My hope is that I may be as much to you as you are to me

<3

On the grind

Been working some typa overtime this week. I really enjoy it.

Reality check #6

We become the things we habitually complain about

Snails & e-mails

If there's anything you should know about me; it's that I love letters and long, very long catch up emails. It's weird I know, but I derive so much pleasure from reading. I've always imagined myself having a friend (or lover - whatever tickles your fancy) from the far far away lands, and reading from them whilst listening to the beat of the rain and enjoying a pot of tea. So you can imagine my eager excitement when I received a pseudo-mail, okay- it wasn't in the exact conditions as my preferences above. It was a long Whatsapp text from my varsity 'lover', friend of note, Nambian - Nubian Queen: Monica. In my view, this message is the equivalent of a perfect mail worth framing. I resonated so much with her experiences.

Here it goes:

" Greetings my dear friend in distant lands. I hope you are well. I'm good. Trying to find  balance. Having recently started working and getting my share of "big money", I'm learning how to balance between spending and saving. Sometimes I tell myself that 4 all the 8-5 I need a reward n I do some reckless spending all in the name of "because I can". There r times when I decide to just save up for some big dream (aka renovate or rather rebuild my grandparents house). I'm learning when to voice my thoughts at work n when the things that go on in my head should remain just that, thoughts. Most people say I come of as rude I'm learning when to not mince my words n when to be a straight shooter😁. I'm learning patience, baby steps. I wanted big money big house big car in the now. Quickly learning that apart from the fact that things don't happen as fast as we want them to, I should stay in my lane n stick to what I can afford. Friend, dreams delayed are not dreams denied aka Leonardo 😂. Love, I'm learning is complicated. I'm always thinking of one thing, how do I know this is right? I try to not think about love, maybe that way I won't be struck by arrows. I'm furnishing my little place, it's taking long, snail pace but I'm sure it will look pretty when I'm done with it. I miss you. I hope you being ur bubbly self. N like me, you learning 🙂🙃🙂"

I'm back. Theme: celebrating life

We keep going around in circles until WE choose to learn and move forth. Life is a celebration.

School's out

I hate packing - okay I haven't even started yet.  This time of the year really saddens me, you know, just how my whole life can fit in a box :(. This year is particularly strange, school's officially out - atleast for a while.
I'm saying goodbye to familiar faces, the Monikas, Sydneys, Katlegos and the very many I've come to love deeply. At the moment there's no definite idea of where I'll be in 2016, but I'm trusting God.
You know how emo I am. I can hear the silence. I see the people leaving, and even though I never knew many personally, I  do note their departure. I had so gotten used to their familiar stranger faces that the idea of not seeing them anymore seems kinda sad.. I wish them well. We were a community of strangers, us. Strangers going about their business.
I am a memory and scent person. I hold on to the feelings and scent associated with a memory, and seeing these, my fellow strangers, going, arouses memories about our short times together, and how in some strange way, they contributed to my experience.
I bid them well.

The dawn of his death

I remember the dawn of his death.
The night before we lay restless in bed as though knowing in our inner being that the day's visit had been our last.
On that day when we visited he was a different man, having suddenly grown old in a few days. As though knowing that he stood at death's door, he could not face us his loved ones. And so he went outside his ward, sneakily smoking his last with the friends that had come with.
With a mother's intuition, perhaps a lover's, my mother knew something wasn't right. He just wasn't himself.
So that dawn as we lay restless, I heard the phone ring. I knew. Then I heard her go outside. She was gone for a while. I'm sure she went to cry. I admire her for not breaking down in front of us, it would have caused us more pain.
And so I watched as her smile faded with time, and her laughter with the sunsets. And I prayed that she'd be healed and find her joy again.

Will always love u

One of those days when I miss you
Realized on Monday that i'll never open myself up to anyone like I did to you.
I love you
Can't say I 'loved' you
God taught me that love stands forever. It never fails and never ends. Yes I'll meet others, love others, but my love for you will remain the same. I may be drawn to think it has faded with time as I'm left separated from you, but when you do tap into my love again, if you ever do; It'll bounce back up, feelings rushing back like gushing streams.

Rest assured, I will always love you

Emo about Tshego's departure

My heart is grieved! Can't believe I feel so emo, I guess its the uneasiness of knowing that I can't bang down your door anymore and force my way in for a chat about boys and nothingness, or drag you to PNP in your pjs, or tell you how much I need a friend when really I just want chicken wings. I'm uncomfortable by how i'll probs not see u dance to my fusion of gospel and Beyonce for the next few months, Or have you sing along to a song we both know very well that YOU don't know. I'm gonna miss how creepy clean your room and well folded your blankies were, even when you are laying within them.

Miss u
Xx

Reality check #5

I know why lovers get hurt, it's because they  hold their partner to a different standard. Whether that's right or wrong, I don't know.

Reality check #4

If there's anything I've learnt over and over, it's to be clear with what I want. Otherwise I'll waste my time. Take for example this evening, early this semester (around June) I started casting my employment net wide because well I felt a look little anxious about next year, I began applying everywhere in hope of just getting something- you know security. I applied also for consulting, although I knew very well that the field intimidated me and quite frankly at this point in my walk I know very well that I wouldn't be any good, so this evening I had to take one of those online tests for one of the companies. Mind you, I've written similar tests before, on the same online platform actually, but this evening, this evening my heart was not into it. I know I don't wanna work for this company. But I wasted a good hour prepping. You know desperation is a dangerous place. I refuse to function from that place any further. From now on I'm gonna apply for opportunities that genuinely interest me, don't get me wrong, I'll also apply for opportunities that are means to an end, but even these must genuinely interest me. If nothing works out at the end of this year I'd happily return home and start a spaza shop or find something to do. But I don't wanna be stuck, frustrated in a job, so I refuse to settle.

Reality Check #3

And I have felt many things, many ways, but death is by far the most confusing of all. I am pained by the loss, grateful to be alive, inspired to treasure life, and despaired by the flashing  memories and the words left unsaid. Indeed, death is by far the most confusing of all the emotions I have felt.

26 Sept 2015

Reality check #2

You can't cry for what you  don't want

Reality Check #1

I guess for me it's just the idea that you are no longer special to someone you loved dearly.