Seeing things through

I probably shouldn't still be up, its 02h41 and I have a Finance test at 09h00. Its raining here and my thoughts are as loud as the storm and the echo of its large raindrops heard outside my window.

It's been a crazy year, a testing year. I feel now more distant to God than I've ever felt before. I haven't been doing what I need to be doing - in order to grow strong, a man must eat the right food. I haven't been eating much, or doing much good so to speak. There's so much discontentment. And unfortunately I don't think its the type associated with wanderlust, easily healed by packing up one's bags. Its different.

I think I  know what it is. Any friend that's had the pleasure of asking me where I am in life will tell you that I've continually said: " my entire life and God is screaming 'consistency' ". I'll admit I am guilty of having a short attention/interest span, however, I do see it catching up with me.

At the moment I think its about figuring out ... okay - "figuring out" is sugarcoating it, I need to decide who and what I want , as well as the kind of person I want to be, then stick to it. About a month ago I found myself questioning some of my values, they had nothing to do with my integrity but more to do with my ideas of sex and where and when it fits into a relationship. My mind has been plagued with all things sexual, it feels like I've been in multiple relationships, although I've only had one.

I am not in a good mental space and this is a thorn in my flesh.

I recently listened to an audio book by renown author and transformation specialist: Robin Sharma, which alluded to regaining control over one's mind, something I'm deeply convinced of, as it roots (in my view) from the writings of the Christian faith.

The effects of having little control over one's mind are easily translated into their habits, words and choices. I feel and see myself changing and I don't like it. I don't like the state of my mind and the person it is shaping.

I wanna change it. I'm going to change it.

So this afternoon after my test I'm going to sit myself down, chat to myself (without any distractions) and decide with myself what I want and who I want to be.

Mental health is just as important.