Dont know anymore

Dear Boaz,

It has been a couple of weeks now, you've left me thinking still. Wondering ...
We had a nice memorial, everything just turned out well, yet it is in the silence and quietness of things that I think about you. I can safely say I sometimes understand why you did it, you know. I am kept wondering what the fall was like .. if only we could get answers after death. Yet I am kept wondering.
Enerst has been taking it badly, I think he is better now. Sister Eleanor's cakes helped. I've been spending some time with her family too. What a lovely bunch.

I know I havent blogged in a while. Well, I've been thinking... thinking a lot. Right now I am conflicted. Mostly wondering how you felt in your last moments. I keep seeing myself falling down the same stairs, I dont look at the staircase the same. The other day I stepped on water and it felt like blood. We miss you.
What conflicts me tonight? It goes way back, just happens to be on my mind tonight. Relationships! I feel used and abused, on top of it all  I feel bad for wanting to be treated well. Must go back to my upbringing ... let me not dwell on the past.

I honestly feel like I dont have friends. I wonder if that is how you felt most of the time. I do know a lot of people yes,  but .. it is not the same. Everything here with most people feels superficial. Is it too much to want some depth? That's all I have ever asked for. I am happy you knew the deeper things about me.

Have I let people define me? This is the one thing on my way. You know, feeling like you are fighting to be satiated with God's love but yet you just arent, and you dont even know why. It feels offensive when you know that you love God so much yet the way that people treat you and how they have previously treated you still has some bearing on who you are.

I feel numb, when it doesnt hurt anymore. I find it easy to walk out on "abusive" relationships ... but I am wondering, what is wrong with me? Why doesnt it hurt anymore? I'd be lying if I said "it is all because I am comforted by God". This is an uncomfortable kind of numbness. It started late May but deepened after the June-birthday drama. You know I havent been to church in almost 2 months, well- when I think about going I just dont see reason to. Am I wanting attention? Am I a drama queen? Well atleast that's what I have been told. I dont know what is going on, and yet I have to wake up to be everyone's strength.  I feel like my family wont understand me when I go back.

2013, what a year.