For the boy-friends that fell, and the girls that never were

Is it mental disease to expect people to be honest?

To say what they mean and live that?

To choose you?

To make time?

 

Is it insecurity to expect timely response?

Commitment?

Follow up?

Is it over-bearing to expect support?

Thoughtfulness?

Presence?

Presents sometimes?

Is it needy & clingy to expect to be prioritized?

Thought about?

Appreciated?

Is it a sign a brokenness to expect care?

And calls?

And texts?

And questions about your desires?

'cause if it is, please tell me I’m crazy.

'cause if it is, PLEASE.TELL.ME.

Tell me I’m crazy for breaking up with you ‘cause you gave me words but never showed works

Tell me I‘m crazy for leaving after you blatantly ignored me for 3 days straight without care or remorse

Tell me I’m crazy for weaning myself off you after I called you in desperation and you didn’t pick up, and didn’t bother to call back, and let days pass as per normal

Tell me I’m crazy for telling you my heart and even more, giving it to you

Tell me I’m crazy for thinking you’d show up on my birthday - Or maybe your representative – a text, or call

Tell me I’m crazy for thinking we can be friends

For committing time

And showing interest

For adoring you

For thinking you’d remember

For opening my life up to you

Am I crazy for putting in the effort and running at your every command?

Please tell me I am crazy for expecting to be to you what you were to me

TELL ME,

Is it mental disease to expect you to be honest?

To say what you mean and live that?

To choose me?

To make time?

TELL ME.

May I

May I never forget

On my best day,

All the tears I cried

And the pain inside

How I had to stand, despite the tide
For there was nothing else to do but ride

Fly - bring me home

There’s something about love

A sort of security
Some comfort
It takes away all shame
And invites freedom

There’s something about love
That allows you to dance as though possessed
Without a care
Or concern

There’s something about love
That gives access to every room in the house
And makes everything okay in the quietest of times

There’s something about love
Something that brings calm
And allows me to look deep in your eyes
Without fear
Of falling
Or nightmares
About destruction

There’s something about love
That teaches me that no matter how far you are
Whether here or there
That I haven’t clung to your hand
Or rested on your chest for the last time
And,
Even if I did
God forbid
There’s something about love that would sustain those feels
Eternally

There’s something about love
That leads me to trust
And hope
And believe
And stand

There’s something about love
I can’t quite put my finger on it
Whatever it is
I know it’s brought me home

A piece on the rut

Words fail  me

I can't see myself
I'm going through the motions
I can miss a moment

A few years ago I had an encounter
I was sleeping
It's a little crazy
But I suddenly woke up and immediately realized that I was alive
Me
In a world
Alive
And yes, for a brief moment I was convinced that I was part of a bigger plan
About me
That the world was conspiring
And that in fact, everyone knew God
And had seen  Him
And were working with Him
That I was the only one in the world
That they were all in secret with Him
That this was all  about me, journeying in to Him

Yes it's a little crazy
But that's me

Back to today.
I wanna be conscious
Present
I wanna see myself as I did on that day

There's something baffling about life
When you are young you think you've figured it out
Okay, let me say young- er
I guess at that age we are just so excited
Nothing has tainted us yet
Then we experience the hurt and the pain
Then suddenly, we become the people we never thought we would be

I think I finally understand why people are how they are
How they seem to be in a rut race
Life happened
Life happens
Suddenly you wake up and you have nothing to look forward to anymore
The flavor of your life is gone
You find yourself in places you detested
Wanting to defile yourself with the things you swore you'd never do

Maybe we need honest conversations
Maybe we need to write out a map
From who we were
Once
To who we are now
Then study it
See what went wrong
Or who.
Then forgive them
And ourselves
And heal.

I am not writing this piece because two of my good friends moved cities this weekend
I am not writing this piece because I am mourning a loss of their presence
I am not writing this piece because tears have welled up
I am writing this piece because I long to return to myself
And I don't know how
I am writing this piece because I want to return to who I was before the world happened to me
This is my piece on the rut.

Perhaps ...

Perhaps the most liberating feeling is realizing that you are enough
and that you are okay
Even just by yourself.
Learning not to center your world around people
Understanding that we are all  flawed
and that disappointment, like fury and hate, is too heavy a burden to carry;
more so at 25 - and your bones start giving way.

Perhaps the most liberating feeling is finding your way home,
by yourself.
Finally figuring it out.
Being bold enough to go by yourself
Then to come back home to yourself.

Perhaps the greatest form of growth is not falling for the hype
discarding popularity
living quietly
getting on a bus somewhere, getting off nowhere and just exploring the point
and discovering your corners.

Perhaps the deepest form of intimacy is having secrecy with yourself
Not telling your friends that you are taking driving lessons
Or climbing mountains all by yourself
Not because you are proud
But because they are yours to have and share with yourself only

Perhaps this is where I've been travelling to  all along
Perhaps all these things needed to happen to me in order for me to relate clearly with God
I mean everything.
When He is everything - all  in all.
Your first point of call; not because you are disappointed in  the world,
but because He is the one you trust.

Perhaps
Perhaps

Matric Reunion

Thabang WaJesu

Can't decide which one it is

Whether - fear or excitement,

Or even a slight bit of shame.

A whirlwind of emotion.

Something nice happened today.   I was added to a Whatsapp group for our matric class' 8 year reunion.

These people lay special in my heart.

That class, those memories, so special!

Best times of my life.

So I don't really know how I feel.

I've changed so much.

People feel the need to SHOW UP for these things.

Best foot forward.

I'm overcome by emotion.

I just look forward to seeing them, stroking their faces, enjoying their company, to be there - here, to hear their laughter, and to celebrate Khotso's life, and Boy's.

 And cry.

And truly cry at the passing of time.

The kinda person you fall in love with

Some people make you feel ashamed for feeling how you feel about them and for them. But there are others that make your feelings valid; yes- even when you are being your normal overly dramatic self.
This is the kind of person you fall in love with

The 3 - family picture

So I want three
A little boy
A little girl
And another little boy

I want a little boy first because I want him to be protective over his sister
His name will be Ryan
Ryan Micheal
Direct translation is: Ryan (Little King), Micheal (Who is like our God)
For me Ryan will  be like a gift from God,
Coming in at the right time when I am ready to settle down and he brings calm to a busy lifestyle and just wants to be loved.
I love loving. I love having the free space to love and just love without shame. Without absence.
I have been in a couple of relationships where I always felt that I could not love freely,
I was not allowed to care too much.
Or to care at all. It was regarded as too emotional and "not so strong for a man". And Ryan comes at the perfect time where there is a deep yearning in me to love someone fully and just let them be the focus of my love.
Ryan grows up to have a beautiful personality and a big heart. He is God's promise, so it is very evident - the footprints and marks of God's presence in his life. Being the first, Ryan brings with  him, beautiful  life lessons about authentic love, patience, sacrifice and joy. When he is 5 or 6, Ryan will  start suggesting that he would like to have a sibling - a little sister to watch on over. He is of the opinion that he is grown and that he is the second man of the house. It is beautiful  to watch.

My daughter, Zoe, pronounced "Dzoay" is named after a Greek word that translated to "life", but not life as we know it, but eternal life, the God kind of life. God's own life. And it is apparent from the onset that Zoe is a remarkable little girl. She is beautiful and resilient. Bringing life to every situation. Ryan is completely smitten by  his little sister. Zoe's second name is Lerato, which directly translates "Love" from Sotho and Tswana. Life and Love are apparent in Zoe's life.


Xabiso is my third and last born. My beautiful boy. He is born when his siblings are much older. Ryan in  his early twenties and Zoe her early teens. Xabiso also comes in at the right season, when my children are growing into adults and are their journeys are taken them in various directions. His arrival and presence throughout is the glue that brings us back to our values - the value of love and family. He reminds us of the great love we share, the power of God and how incredibly blessed we are to be a family. His siblings are extremely protective of him, and they look after him.

I envision a life of love, abundant love. Filled with family (these immediate 3) and my own family (my siblings, mother, aunties and their families, and koko), and friends - seasoned, smart friends that love Jesus - care for the world and want to make a difference. I envision a life of extreme wealth, no limitations, where I can help whenever, where ever in the world. My life will be impactful  in society, and I have  worked to rebuild our nation. My heart is pure and the peace of God in Christ reigns over me. I am content. I am happy. I am living the life I have always dreamed of. I get to travel very often, and to interact with people. I get to share Christ and pray for the nations. I get to teach and talk to young people. I get to do research. I get to cook, and be very good at it.

Go back in time - A letter of love to myself

Go back in time
Look there again and again
See yourself
Notice the beauty you are, there.
Your crooked teeth
Beautiful smile
Almost full brows
That nose that consumes all the air
And the pimple laying there on it

Look there again,
See your size
Love
32.
34.
It don't matter
Love it.

Hear the beauty  of your brain
The life in your words
The faith in your eyes
The trust in your heart
See thine feet and how rooted they are
Witness the depth of the love despite the waves

Society's culture is for us not to appreciate who we are right there in the moment
We are always looking to be better and more beautiful
Often to our detriment
So look back,
Look again,
And consider the beauty of your old days
You were beautiful
All  along
And you missed it

Now come here my child
Come closer
Here, to  today.
See yourself
As you are.
Look deep in your lovely brown eyes
Noticed the knot on your one ear
And the beautiful wrinkles when you light up the room with your smile
Come here.
See yourself
Love yourself

Ever noticed HOW

I am at home in myself
And dance freely in your presence?
Your love is a tune that brings me beautiful comfort
I am tender
My hardness stilled
I am a child
Worries quenched
I see the oceans
No limits
Possibilities

Ever notice how much I am in love with you?
Man, I am in love with you!
Yes I falter
Am I not to learn strength?
Yes I waver
Are you not my strength?

I am learning
When he said " You are my rod and my staff"
I am learning to hold on
Hang on
Grab on
To you
Even to my old age
For great are the things You have done
And great are the things You continue to do
You plant a seed in man's heart
A dream much greater than their place of birth
Or all that they have grown to know.

Writing again

I wanna write again,
I am writing again,

I wanna write about how I have not been able to face myself in front of the mirror,
Or swallow the extent of my disobedience of late
I wanna write about my relationship  with food and my regular need for air
I write about the lonely walks and the many thoughts that overwhelm me sometimes

I wanna write about leading the inner circle and moments later finding myself on the outskirts
I wanna write about love and my wars with myself
But mostly about love
I wanna write about my multi-faceted personality that takes me from extrovert to  introvert at the snap of a finger
I write about being misunderstood, understanding and shielding myself in

I wanna write about my momentary, interluding crushes on Kindness
I write about how kindness is simply the saxiest and most attractive trait
I wanna write about how the noise in the world makes me feel,
And the days when I wanna escape and shut it all  down.

I write about my greatest Love story
One I don't always understand
One that gives me small  chest-pains
Yet One that I still trust
Because He makes me write about purpose

I wanna write again
I am writing again

What it takes

It takes courage to love
It takes courage to be kind

Lessons #101

I learnt quickly to watch my heart

This is love #2

Beautiful clouds
I see you God!

This is love #1

3 siblings playing together at the bus stop in the morning . The patience of the older brother. It must be love :)

I'll just say yes !

"I'll Just Say Yes" - Brian Courtney Wilson 😍😍😍😍

I'll just say yes
You lead the way
I'm not afraid of what it means for me to say
That this life You gave
Is not my own
I'm trusting You to hear my yes and lead me on
Yes Lord, yes Lord, my life is Yours

I'll just say yes (yes Lord). You lead the way (yes Lord)
I'm not afraid of what it means for me to say
(that this life You gave) this life You gave
(is not my own) is not my own
I'm trusting You to hear my yes and lead me on

(yes Lord) yes Lord
(yes Lord) yes Lord
(my life) my life (is) is Yours

(yes Lord) yes Lord
(yes Lord) yes Lord
(my life) my life (is) is Yours

And there is peace when I say yes
I might not see it now but You save the best
For all who trust You and obey
There is an answer no more delay

(I'll just say yes, yes Lord)

(yes Lord) yes Lord
(yes Lord) yes Lord
(my life) my life (is) is Yours (completely Yours)

(yes Lord) yes Lord
(yes Lord) yes Lord
(my life) my life (it is) is Yours

And there is peace when I say yes
(I might not see it now) I might not see it now
But You save the best
For all who trust You and obey
There is an answer no more delay

(and there is peace) and there is peace (when I) when I say yes
(I might not see it now) I might not see it now (but You save the best) but You save the best
For all who trust You and obey
There is an answer no more delay

I'll just say yes 
Yes Lord, yes Lord, my life is Yours
Yes Lord, yes Lord, my life is Yours
Yes Lord, yes Lord, my life is Yours
Yes Lord, yes Lord, my life is Yours
Yes Lord, yes Lord, my life is Yours
Yes Lord, yes Lord, my life is Yours
Yes Lord, yes Lord, my life is Yours

Obedience

Obedience signfies LOVE.

I wanna obey You Lord.

The knife set

I met someone really nice
I liked them
Could never be assured that I was the only one, though they wanted to be my only one
We spoke about food
Anything & everything
They were my little Christmas gift
An attractive typa boldbess
I bought a knife set
The last time they were here they made a comment about how It didnt seem I cooked much
These days my onions are finely chopped
I wanna tell them
But they are not mine
So I'll keep my knife set to myself

Beach sand

Beach sand is my happy place
The tickle to my toes warms my soul
Little wonder I beam brightly standing here under
The beautiful rich blues call me
In spite,
The restlessness of the sea waters calms me
Here under I am like a child
Found by the sound of his mischievous laughter
After being lost, without a care
Giggling ever louder

I dance like one reunited with their first love

The old one

The first one

Here under,

On the beach sand