On self care (1)

13 March 2020

It is beyond the natural products and Sunday regimens - though those are good too - self care is the foundation on which you set the tone for how others may treat you, what you will and will not accept, by how you treat yourself. 

On the bank of the river Sox

I have had a very tumultuous relationship with romance and I must admit that I have often been very naive about people and what they have to  offer. I am also the first to admit to some of the problematic romantic views that  I held growing up which were rooted in my upbringing as well as my exposure to romantic relationships as depicted in the media, but more on these in  another post.

This post is about a boy that I met in the club on the first weekend of December 2019. This was my first visit to the club in 2019 and a first in about 4 years, before then I had only ever been 'out like that' two other times (one as a coping mechanism to a break -up that you all know too well about from  my earlier posts!). 

The club environment is not really my scene. I am into more intimate settings like jazz bars or restaurants for dinners with friends, and anything over food really - anyway I  digress.

Just to  provide some background, prior to  this, between  September and October 2019 I had been involved with someone and the experience was nothing short of an emotionally abusive relationship. By mid-October it had ended and I was working on myself, prioritizing self-care, getting the necessary psychological help, travelling and putting myself out there. 

I met this man through a mutual acquaintance and from the onset I was visibly attracted to  him. We went on to have a few video calls and ultimately spent New Years Eve 2019 together. with my friends hosting us overnight. It was  a magical night. 

The following letter was sent to the Clive around 12 January 2020. My experience in September/October influenced my expressions in the labor of love that follows. I wanted to be clear about my intentions, and I wanted it known that I wasn't open to wasting my time.

The point of this post is not to get you to  feel sorry for me. On the contrary, it is to  (hopefully) inspire you to be more transparent and accountable in your engagements with people. I have observed that very often people don't want to be transparent about where they are, what they want and don't want, and would rather string another party along whilst they figure out their feelings. This they do without informing the other party or giving the other party the option to choose whether or not they wish to be participants in the other's exploratory journey.

I want it to be clear that I support the idea of people  'figuring themselves out' (unreservedly), however long it takes. Where I disagree is; finding one's self shouldn't be at the cost and expense of the time, effort, love and emotional investment of another.

To this day I haven't received a response from Clive, although we have had numerous engagements on Whatsapp and have had a few run-ins in person. 

One of the things I learned from this journey is that  even a lack of response is a form of response, and it can be far more telling then a worded response.

Finally, I wish to  acknowledge that this 'letter' was quite lengthy and that that may have had an impact on the response of the receiver. Perhaps my communication could have been succinct - but I want it to be clear that I did provide more than sufficient time for them to  go read and ponder upon their feelings so ultimately it was for them to share their heart with me too.

Here goes: 

** Greetings and pleasantries ** I took some down time to reflect and rest, and did some studying as well. So... are you free to chat? As part of my self-care journey I have made a commitment to engage uncomfortable and difficult conversations in order not to get my heart and overall health into trouble (again). I’m sure you can tell where this is going? Yeah - so, I had a really great time on NYE/new years’s day and after much reflection I’ve discovered that I want to explore “this” further, to spend time and really get to know each other via dates and stuff. So I thought to write to you so we could have an adult conversation about where we both are individually , what we are looking for, what we want, intentions etc. I guess I should start- I’m obvs into you, I’m not sure what that means just yet cause we haven’t spent much personal time together and I believe the best way for me to get to know someone is to share a life and moments with them. So I’d like that opportunity to better inform my feelings. At the same time, I’m 27.58 years old man and I really wouldn’t want to get invested in a thing if the other party wasn’t fully open to the experience. The thing about dating for me is to be and to experience being pursued as equally (if not more) than my own pursuits of the other person. And my intention with dating is to create a connection with the ultimate goal of being in a long-term committed relationship. So essentially I’d be using the dating experience as a springboard to further clarify for myself what I feel. The point of my text is not to say that we are suddenly tied down to each other (or forever) should we agree to pursue this, but it’s to open up honest authentic conversation about our individual states of mind and I guess to establish a terms of reference (yes - I’m that nerdy). So I’m hoping you too have had time to think about what you want, where you are and where you see ‘us’ going. I understand if you need time to think and revert back, so take as much time as you need. And if you feel that you only want friendship for now or indefinitely - that’s also okay. I can respect that and I remain open. Thanks. Thabang

PS: The guy was introduced to me as Clive, but his friends and those that know him affectionately call him "Sox", it's short for his Xhosa name. The name Clive translates to a cliff, slope, bank of a river, hence the title of this post.

N'im(n)e going

 Hallo  my beloveds

I hope you and your families are keeping safe.

I have some bitter-sweet news,

So - after 9 incredible years, I have decided to make a departure from Cape Town.

I have accepted a work opportunity in Pretoria, effective 1 August.

 

I could not think of a better time to make the move.

Over the past 4 years I’ve pondered  about being more present at home and  in the lives of  my loved ones. This decision is attributable to growing older and watching my mother and siblings also grow more into their own people. 

I have missed many'a birthdays and other big life moments, finding myself out here.

YOU have been an important part of my time in the Cape - the equal of family - and I wish to express my gratitude and pay homage to you.

I will miss you incredibly! 

Lake Como
Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Fortunately Pretoria is just a stone throw away, and I hope to be able to  return to  visit quite regularly.

In any case, wherever we end up, our love is too great, reaching beyond the bounds of the earth. And, the world is our oyster, if we don't see each other here, we will certainly run into each other in Paris or Milan; we might even take a drive along the Lake Como or settle for some tea. Wherever we will  be, so will our love be!

I love you all deeply and I hope we get to reconnect soon.

Yours,

Thabang

PS: The title of this letter plays off  my nine years in Cape Town and the fact that I am going.

"N'im(n)e" serves to indicate the time spent here and is also a play on "and I'm ...". Phonetically, there's a bit of a rhymes there.

So the title is actually " and (N') I'm (imne - where the "n" is silent) going " Or " Nine going".