On the bank of the river Sox

I have had a very tumultuous relationship with romance and I must admit that I have often been very naive about people and what they have to  offer. I am also the first to admit to some of the problematic romantic views that  I held growing up which were rooted in my upbringing as well as my exposure to romantic relationships as depicted in the media, but more on these in  another post.

This post is about a boy that I met in the club on the first weekend of December 2019. This was my first visit to the club in 2019 and a first in about 4 years, before then I had only ever been 'out like that' two other times (one as a coping mechanism to a break -up that you all know too well about from  my earlier posts!). 

The club environment is not really my scene. I am into more intimate settings like jazz bars or restaurants for dinners with friends, and anything over food really - anyway I  digress.

Just to  provide some background, prior to  this, between  September and October 2019 I had been involved with someone and the experience was nothing short of an emotionally abusive relationship. By mid-October it had ended and I was working on myself, prioritizing self-care, getting the necessary psychological help, travelling and putting myself out there. 

I met this man through a mutual acquaintance and from the onset I was visibly attracted to  him. We went on to have a few video calls and ultimately spent New Years Eve 2019 together. with my friends hosting us overnight. It was  a magical night. 

The following letter was sent to the Clive around 12 January 2020. My experience in September/October influenced my expressions in the labor of love that follows. I wanted to be clear about my intentions, and I wanted it known that I wasn't open to wasting my time.

The point of this post is not to get you to  feel sorry for me. On the contrary, it is to  (hopefully) inspire you to be more transparent and accountable in your engagements with people. I have observed that very often people don't want to be transparent about where they are, what they want and don't want, and would rather string another party along whilst they figure out their feelings. This they do without informing the other party or giving the other party the option to choose whether or not they wish to be participants in the other's exploratory journey.

I want it to be clear that I support the idea of people  'figuring themselves out' (unreservedly), however long it takes. Where I disagree is; finding one's self shouldn't be at the cost and expense of the time, effort, love and emotional investment of another.

To this day I haven't received a response from Clive, although we have had numerous engagements on Whatsapp and have had a few run-ins in person. 

One of the things I learned from this journey is that  even a lack of response is a form of response, and it can be far more telling then a worded response.

Finally, I wish to  acknowledge that this 'letter' was quite lengthy and that that may have had an impact on the response of the receiver. Perhaps my communication could have been succinct - but I want it to be clear that I did provide more than sufficient time for them to  go read and ponder upon their feelings so ultimately it was for them to share their heart with me too.

Here goes: 

** Greetings and pleasantries ** I took some down time to reflect and rest, and did some studying as well. So... are you free to chat? As part of my self-care journey I have made a commitment to engage uncomfortable and difficult conversations in order not to get my heart and overall health into trouble (again). I’m sure you can tell where this is going? Yeah - so, I had a really great time on NYE/new years’s day and after much reflection I’ve discovered that I want to explore “this” further, to spend time and really get to know each other via dates and stuff. So I thought to write to you so we could have an adult conversation about where we both are individually , what we are looking for, what we want, intentions etc. I guess I should start- I’m obvs into you, I’m not sure what that means just yet cause we haven’t spent much personal time together and I believe the best way for me to get to know someone is to share a life and moments with them. So I’d like that opportunity to better inform my feelings. At the same time, I’m 27.58 years old man and I really wouldn’t want to get invested in a thing if the other party wasn’t fully open to the experience. The thing about dating for me is to be and to experience being pursued as equally (if not more) than my own pursuits of the other person. And my intention with dating is to create a connection with the ultimate goal of being in a long-term committed relationship. So essentially I’d be using the dating experience as a springboard to further clarify for myself what I feel. The point of my text is not to say that we are suddenly tied down to each other (or forever) should we agree to pursue this, but it’s to open up honest authentic conversation about our individual states of mind and I guess to establish a terms of reference (yes - I’m that nerdy). So I’m hoping you too have had time to think about what you want, where you are and where you see ‘us’ going. I understand if you need time to think and revert back, so take as much time as you need. And if you feel that you only want friendship for now or indefinitely - that’s also okay. I can respect that and I remain open. Thanks. Thabang

PS: The guy was introduced to me as Clive, but his friends and those that know him affectionately call him "Sox", it's short for his Xhosa name. The name Clive translates to a cliff, slope, bank of a river, hence the title of this post.

Losing my grip

" The corridors of the Leslie Commerce building have given me such great joy, I have laughed and cried, even felt sometimes, the walls caving in. I'll be eternally grateful for the experiences I've had and the people I've met here. "

I've read stories about stars who have left shows at the height of the show's success. Amidst great adoration from lovely fans they felt themselves strongly faced with the challenge of choosing between growth and comfort.

Such an uncomfortable place to be in.

I recently found myself in the same space, caught between staying and going. It has been an interesting 4-stretching-yet-amazing years at UCT. I've had more opportunities to follow my heart than many.

The complexity in growing up lies in having to leave one's comfort zone, and trusting the journey ahead though for the moment you can't see anything. It is daunting, especially when you'd like the security of an income and the comfort of knowing that you are somewhat competent; yet exciting in a mysterious kind of way, this opportunity to start over and learn anew.

Almost 3 years into tutoring, 9 groups of students later, I know for sure that teaching is my calling. For the past couple of  weeks I have been bugging my deputy Head of Department to consider making me an academic trainee in 2016, despite the fact that at the moment students on my program are not eligible to apply.  This Monday I waltzed into his office offering a description of the duties I could undertake should he hire me. What he said to me next changed my life. He asked if hiring me would be aligned with where I want to go, my growth and what I want to do.

For the greatest time now I had been avoiding this question. I live from my spirit you see, I'm a heart driven person (unless it's in my heart I'll probably not do it). Had he asked me this question a year or 2 ago my answer would have been a straight 'yes', but for the past while my heart has been heavy, wanting to move  on (to grow), at the same time burdened with the responsibilities of helping out at home which require financial security. It has been a war with passion and growth. Not to say that I don't want to teach anymore, but that for the moment I sense strongly that I need to hone that skill by acquiring experiences outside university.

Cape Town for me has represented a step towards my dreams, when all I had ever known was my shack of a home, and the mountains in the far distance around us, and the images on the tellie that fueled  my dreams. I can see why I've wanted to maintain my grip on UCT. Even scarier than admitting to yourself that a certain environment will not grow you anymore ( or for the moment) is not knowing what your next journey is or will be.

I am enjoying what I'm studying at the moment. I'm just not sure where I'll end up with it. I know what my end goal is, I just need to think around my strategy to getting there, and pray. I've seen people go through the devastating motions, you know: go to school, find a job,  get married (if you are lucky ), live miserably (without any hope or purpose)and die.

I don't want that life for myself! There must be more. I want to keep my dreams. I want to live my dreams.

This is the fight. There's got to be more.

The corridors of the Leslie Commerce building have given me such great joy, I have laughed and cried, even felt, sometimes, the walls caving in. I'll be eternally grateful for the experiences I've had and the people I've met here. For now though I journey towards self discovery.