Hearts carry guns: sore bones and liberating letters to 3

I don't want you to break up with him for me
I want you to try it out with him, and if you do break up, I want it to be at your own accord. And if you do not break up I also want it to be at your own accord. I want you to be happy.

I want to respect your relationship. I won't ask you to leave him. This is unfair on him, you and me too. And you know I'm a man of principle.

I never really had you, though I did ever really love you.  In between sharing you with your feelings about your ex, I don't wanna be a rebound again and share you with memories of him.

So if you ever do break up, I don't want you to come running to me, though I'll probably still be waiting. I want you to take your time, I want you to think, and when you know for sure that you wanna get to know Thabang and you wanna try it out with him; I want you to call me. It won't be easy. I won't be easy (and I want you to know this cause  I'm a deeply complicated person and I tend to over think stuff). And I want you to tell me.

I don't want you to think that you can get it anytime, although maybe you could. But that would cause you to disrespect me. And I can't have that! I don't want you to think that I'm pathetically needy for you, although there were days I thought I was, I made it past those days; honey look at me! I don't want you to think I'm desperate for you, I just want you to know that I struggle to understand how people can easily give their hearts to another when they had also given it to one before. And you carry my heart cause of the words you spoke to me. 

I just want you to know that you are loved and you are a good thing.

So I don't want you to choose me cause of all the pressures, and without having had other experiences. I want you to choose me, if and when after those experiences you know for certain that I'm your best option, and that you are mine too.

When it pours my heart pours too

03 January 2015

I absolutely love the rain! I just love it when it rains. Witnessing this marvelous release by nature (or in our case- global warming) gives me such great pleasure. I'm overcome by these nostalgic chills.
I promise you, I want a two or three-storey house with glass everything, so I can watch. Like the king's watchmen, I can watch.

I'm not sure why I carry such strong feelings for the rain. Perhaps its the soothing sounds of large raindrops hitting the roof? Sounds that can give any child the most peaceful of sleeps. Or perhaps it's the idea of being able to blow my breath onto the window glass causing a  temporal misty surface where I can then draw hearts, and watch them slowly fade; like the great loves I've experienced. I'm not quite sure. Maybe the rain remains dear to me because it was during the rain days of my childhood that I could lay in bed and actively dream, wide awake. I would draw inspiration from the areas I had been to and the television content I had seen. I was very attentive when I went to Brits to shop with my grandma. I would also pay careful attention to the family settings on Generations. I would watch the white people, and what they ate. They seemed to always have it together. Oh there was a time when I wished I was adopted ... by a white family; 'cause in my young mind that would make everything better. I would have better exposure than I had otherwise had.

It is for this reason that I'm drawn to Cape Town winters, and why in the spring I'm tolerant of Pretoria. I love the roars of the thunderstorms. Dark clouds too. I even wanted to stay in England for a bit , just so I can spend my days adoring the dark gloomy clouds.
I have all these weird connections with nature you know. Like, I have this beautiful mountain in Pretoria that I love. I see it everywhere. It is just so long and beautiful. I've seen many mountains, but their beauty pales in comparison to that of this one. I also recall the first time I saw the living ocean. I was so mesmerized! A couple of weeks before that I had been longing for something, I couldn't pin point what, but I knew it was something remarkable. So when I finally witnessed the  ocean, from the depths of my spirit I could see myself entering the ocean waters and just walking, and walking. Walking the journey of forever. The kind of walking that we do on land. Not walking on water, but walking through and not drowning. I'd heard that the ocean gets pretty deep the further you go. Yet I didn't care. For me it would just be like walking. I think that experience spoke to my need to feel focused and undistracted.
Very weird right? Well, I'm weird.

The rain feels different lately. I attach it to different people. When I'm here in my mother's home and I look South Easterly towards Mabopane whilst it pours, my heart aches. I don't know the reason. It feels like I have forgotten someone that I ought to remember. Sometimes It feels like I have lost somebody who stays there. Yet, I can't seem to figure out who. I used to think it had something to do with Khumo, maybe sometimes it does. But I sometimes sense strongly that it has something to do with someone else. Someone I am missing deeply.

Or it could just be my adult self mourning being unable to enjoy the rain as much as my childhood self did.

I don't know.

I just know that I am missing someone or something and my heart aches