Not the Greatest - Chp 1 - Meeting James

 

I am writing this for boys like myself,  boys that do not fit the mould either because we are not traditionally beautiful or not skinny enough.  Not masculine enough, not hard enough.

I am writing this for boys like me, boys that believe in love – even naively so – a virtue that has often landed our little hearts and us in perfect storms.

I am writing this for boys like me who, because of the church, have learned to forgive, sometimes even to our detriment. Boys that cannot block their exes off WhatsApp and other socials, and boys that struggle with anxiety and depression.

I write this for boys like myself, not just to warn us but also to celebrate us! For despite being used as rebounds by famous designers, suffering mental breakdowns after being ghosted by the Clinton’s and Clive’s of  this world, and now grappling with the after effects of narcissistic abusive romantic relations, we live and love bravely.

This is my personal account of a tumultuous ‘love’ affair that almost killed me between 2020 and 2021, and the effects of which I still suffer today.

 

 

It is nearly 5:30 am on 31 December 2021, and even this morning I imagine what I’d termed your ‘realization smile’; it is what I’d atleast interpreted to be you smiling at the realization of how special this (us) was, at least to me. I pee, and return back to bed. On the side of what was once our bed lies our dog, unlike other days, he doesn’t lift his head in anticipation. Nonetheless, I give him a heavy, loving rub on his stubborn head. I smile and think about how he has both of our traits. Your childlike sleeping habits, and my all-over-the place affection. It dawns on me that I have consistently shown up for you for over a year, albeit sometimes with tears, in disappointment, with hope for change. Even months, after we had broken up I held up the candle for you and kept the door open. All that ends. Now.

 

 

When I first met James my weight was a little wonky, following a year of an on and off again keto diet & intermittent fasting. I was insecure to say the least. It had only been few of months since I had moved back to my province of origin to take on a new work opportunity after 9.5 years of living and establishing myself as a separate, independent entity in the Cape.

 

I met him on Grindr on the evening of a weekday. It must have been a Tuesday night in the first week of  December 2020. His profile indicated that he was 1.67 metres tall, a black Top “into chubby men”, some 5-6km away. His preference for much more than skinny men made me feel seen. If you know anything about the gay community and Grindr, you would have noticed the discrimination and shame ‘non-skinny’ men face. Ironically, he was not my physical ideal, or so I thought.

 

Before dating him, I was not open to dating skinny men, and height was sort of a thing for me. I am 1.77 metres tall, and in most circles that I roam, I am usually the biggest and tallest in the room. My preferences for meatier and taller men was misinformed by the societal initiation into believing that feminine men (which I identify as predominantly) had to be bottom. It was further misinformed by my own expectations of intimacy and affection. I wanted to be the small spoon in bed. I – by associating being bottom with the female role in a relationship – wanted to be on the receiving end of affection, and I believed a skinny and/or short man would not be able to spoon me right. The preceding also misinformed by societal ideas about gender roles and how men and women should live and behave. I want to make it clear that I do not shame  or discriminate against people based on how they look, but I did at the time have a certain type of man that I was attracted to, which was informed by very problematic societal ideas.

 

He had a cute picture on display and his profile had links to his Twitter account and YouTube channel. I am the kind of guy to study a subject of interest so of course I peeped. It was apparent from his following that he was very popular, and his posts and responses were very risqué, to my discomfort. I then hopped over to his Youtube channel, and there he was! With his husky voice and very attractive energy. Right there and then, I knew I was into him. In the video, he said something about preferring to use his English name because people often butchered his native name. Later when we were dating, I learned that he had about three other very beautiful native names.

 

I messaged him. I do not even remember what I said, but it was something complimentary about his voice. He responded with a “LOL”, and so I proceeded to ask about his native name, the one that people often mispronounced. Immediately after he shared, I messaged a friend that spoke Xhosa for voice note tutorials on how to pronounce it. And so there I was practicing how to pronounce “Lo-nwa-bo”. Hoping to one day impress him with my accurate pronunciation.

I must be honest, there is this thing with gay men (I do not know if it is much more common in other communities than I think) where if a subject of interest tells you something you perceive to be personal and only you and very few people are  knowledgeable about it, you feel somewhat special. That is how I felt. Knowing this sacred name whose use was reserved for his closest and ‘bestest’ made me feel special.

 

He asked for my picture. I sent it and boom! He was interested.

We chatted for a while then he dropped his number with a “use it as you wish” at the end. He then bid me good night. I immediately texted on WhatsApp, and shortly afterwards we had arranged to see each other on the Friday.

 

I remember that Friday evening so vividly. I must have messaged him around 18h00 to ask if we were still on, he video called immediately and apologized. He had forgotten and had been spending ‘quality time’ with his ‘brother’. He brought him onto camera to greet briefly. I noticed he was another chubby gent and so I felt uneasy for a bit. I did not know whether to believe that was really the brother or not. I let it go.

He committed to 20h00. At 20h10 he texted to say that he was running late.

 

He must have arrived just before 21h00. He texted from my gate. At the time I was staying in an AirBnB in Brooklyn. I opened. There he was. Despite being short, he had this sexy walk of confidence. He walked taller than he looked. I cannot recall what he was wearing on his upper body or what he said to me as he walked in, but his bottoms were these black military track pants, and very nice black sneakers. They must have been Nike. I love hugs. And so ofcourse upon getting closer to him I opened for an embrace. He literally kissed me, grabbed my ass and drew me closer to himself. It was sexiest and boldest experience I had ever had. I had never been embraced like that before, let alone publicly and so confidently. I felt seen. Wanted. Appreciated. This was the first time I realised how important uninhibited public displays of affection were to me. No – not necessarily the grandiose gestures of ‘love’. I am talking about the silent looks and quiet hand and leg rubs, the sitting next to each other at the dinner table instead of across, and the holding of hands. Those little yet effective displays of one’s love mean a lot to me.

 

I had to bring myself back to the moment.

I was wearing my red tennis player shorts (which I later found out were his favourite on me) and some slops.  I asked him to walk ahead of me. Instead, he insisted on walking behind whilst sporadically squeezing my behind as we went. I giggled liked a little schoolchild. It was late for me.

 

He had brought thirty seconds, the board game, and insisted we play against each other with each of us representing the other party (I, him and he, me). I could not keep my hands of him and after a few rounds of this game; I suggested we play a kissing game where the one who touches the other first loses an item of clothing. I swear I was not trying to tempt him. He won and so I ended up naked. We started making out and I could smell the weed on his breath. We ended up in the bedroom. I could tell that he wanted to hit it that night. So I had to have the whole “I’m a 28 year old virgin and don’t want to rush into penetrative sex” conversation again. I have had this conversation numerous times with multiple guys, at different times in my life. I spent much of my teenage years fantasizing about studying at Stellenbosch University, and falling in love with my best friend’s brother, who happened to be studying architecture in Joburg. His mother would love me. Moreover, he would be my haven. This little story of hope kept me going for years as a watched my mother suffer under the abusive hands of my stepfather. It made me feel like things would change for me; that I would eventually be found and loved. I had envisioned every part of our lives - how we met, what he said and how it felt. That little fantasy made me feel safe. Therefore, I vowed not to engage sexually (atleast penetratively) until I met him. In my mind, I was not supposed to go through the whole ocean of fish trying to find my Nemo. I would just meet him and that would be it. Unfortunately, I ended up at UCT, and behold there was no boyfriend. So I never explored. I kept waiting.

 

James promised that he understood and was willing to wait. He said he wanted to see me again. He told me he had to go because it was getting late. It must have been 22h30 by then. I wanted him to spend the night, but I was afraid to ask. I offered to cover his uber back home as appreciation for him coming over. Before he left, he said this to me:

 

“I’m leaving my 30 seconds here with you as my commitment to return to see you. I am going to come back. I want to see you again. I want to build something with you. Please do not give my place to anyone else! “

 

My heart leapt for joy. I mean here was this very attractive man with a beautiful sizable tool, who was also seemingly open about his sexuality and affections; and all he wanted was me AND he was willing to wait. Everything about this moment appealed to every single part of the fantasy that my younger self ever had. The reassurance in his words, the patience in his actions, the commitment to see me again, as well as the interest in building something with me. In retrospect, it feels like my heart started unconsciously compartmentalizing everything in my life, blocking out every distraction right there and then and making space for him alone.

 

I promised to not give away his place to anyone else. We kissed.

 

To this day we still disagree about who bought our first dinner together. It was chicken licken wings, so it must have been me.

 

He left.

 

He was in Joburg for the weekend for work stuff and would return the following week, and we would see each other again. We had very limited exchanges during that time. I do not know when it came up, during the conversation either on Grindr or during our first hang out. Nevertheless, he had shared that he was a full time, professional photographer, and had recently left a very toxic job to focus on his own company in the media space. We spoke very little about me. He was very passionate; it was exhilarating! It made me want him more. It sounded like he had everything figured out.

 

About two months before this encounter I had met Ayanda, also on Grindr. Initially our chats were very flirty, but we got on quite well and so slowly our conversations transitioned to a more platonic friendship which involved regular texting, calling and video calling. We spoke about anything and everything. I think at the time Ayanda was working for a green company and all he spoke about was about getting South Africans to cycle everywhere by 2050. Drawing from my recent travels to Amsterdam I was able to contribute meaning to those conversations.

 

The following Monday afternoon Ayanda and I were catching up on the weekend. Obviously, I was very excited to share with him about this new guy in my life. He asked for James’ Instagram handle, and shortly after I had shared with him, his next text had me floored. Ayanda let me that right at the same as we were texting that afternoon, my Mr “do not give my place to anyone else” was in his DMs, flirting, hinting at a hook up and asking for a place to stay the night in Joburg, specifically Ayanda’s place. He backed it up with receipts chile!

 

My heart was shattered.

 

You probably think I overreacted and that I had no basis for even being hurt since we were not a thing. I disagree. I take people at their word. Words mean something to me. When that man asked me to create a special place for him in my life, I re-arranged some things and made room for him. And so I too hoped he had made similar provision for me. I know some will argue that  I didn’t ask for him to create similar space in his life for me, in rebuttal I ask: do you not think it’s an intensely selfish for him to want to have such high value in my life and not want to offer the same?

 

So no! These are the basics of reciprocity and mutuality.

 

I sent him a text to express my disappointment at what I had learned, and how hurtful I found it to be especially in light of the weight of his request on me and the commitment he had made. He left Johannesburg that evening and came to see me. It was interesting to me that his initial interest and focus was on finding out who had told me his business. It gave me the impression that there were other - many more.

 

I did not give him a name.

 

That evening he told me he wanted us to be exclusive until we had figured what it is we were doing. I agreed. We cuddled, and I tell you, everything I thought about cuddling with a skinny and/or short man was thrown out the window. He gave me the warmest and most loving cuddles. His size did not limit anything at all.

 

Although the night seemed to end well, I was not left unscathed. I had this inkling of insecurity growing in me; it was informed by his relationship with social media (the overly inappropriate posts and engagements with followers), his following and apparent popularity, and the most recent discovery about his interactions with my friend Ayanda, and potentially many others (links with the access that his social media provided). I was uncomfortable and I could feel the anxiety building up.

 

Although there were already apparent red flags, for some reason I ignored them. It might be this false belief that I held (unconsciously) that love is supposed to hurt and that before the “happily ever after” the couple in the fairy-tale must win many battles. I do not know.

 

I think our society has romanticised struggles and abuse in romantic relationships, and I too fell into that trap. I thought I had worked through those issues, but I think in some instances relationships draw out of us our childhood trauma and that is the place that we respond from. My trauma is centered on seeing my mother endure many years of abuse, and although she – on many accounts – threatened to leave, she never did. And the only peace we got was when that man died. In a similar way, I think I felt stuck in this situation. You will see there were many times when I could have left but I felt I could not – for many reasons. Sometimes I felt that I loved him and therefore I could not leave him. Others I felt that I would not be okay without him. There were also times when I felt that I was there to save him and that my love would redeem him.

 

There were many opportunities to leave and save my life, but I stayed. I hope my story inspires you to see the signs of abuse and leave whilst you still can.

 

He left in the morning.

 

 

Doing the things

 

Since December 2020 I have been involved in something reminiscent of a romantic relationship. This experience has been both a source of happiness and a cause of much anxiety in my life. During this time - cognizant of the many feelings of anxiety loving Njabulo has caused - I decided to go back to therapy and to draw nearer to God. I was already aware of some biblical truths about love, including how perfect love casteth away all fear, and what the Word says about dealing with anxiety in the book of Philippians. Regardless, I felt led to the book of Hebrews as it specifically addresses the matter of entering God’s rest. It seemed to me that my issue was wavering in between entering rest and toiling. My toil related to wanting to find my Christian place, where I felt safe, wanted and loved.  This has been a theme of my life, this desire and deep longing to find belonging and love, and to be found.

I want to share a few things that God shared with me and others during my journey through the book of Hebrews, which I hope to hold on to, because He was teaching me how to remain in a place of rest and peace and joy in Him.

He was very specific about the importance of doing the things that need to be done even when we don’t FEEL like it. He reminded me that the Word encourages us to pray without CEASING, to not grow WEARY of coming together with the saints (i.e. church and other ways of fellowship) and to ALWAYS give thanks in ALL things.

He spoke to me a lot about consistency. Daddy said I should stick to our daily devotion time even when I don’t feel like it, or when I’m busy and when it feels like it’s not achieving anything. He encouraged me to keep doing the “work”, to keep praying for myself and for others.

I hope this word encourages you to keep going

On self care (1)

13 March 2020

It is beyond the natural products and Sunday regimens - though those are good too - self care is the foundation on which you set the tone for how others may treat you, what you will and will not accept, by how you treat yourself. 

On the bank of the river Sox

I have had a very tumultuous relationship with romance and I must admit that I have often been very naive about people and what they have to  offer. I am also the first to admit to some of the problematic romantic views that  I held growing up which were rooted in my upbringing as well as my exposure to romantic relationships as depicted in the media, but more on these in  another post.

This post is about a boy that I met in the club on the first weekend of December 2019. This was my first visit to the club in 2019 and a first in about 4 years, before then I had only ever been 'out like that' two other times (one as a coping mechanism to a break -up that you all know too well about from  my earlier posts!). 

The club environment is not really my scene. I am into more intimate settings like jazz bars or restaurants for dinners with friends, and anything over food really - anyway I  digress.

Just to  provide some background, prior to  this, between  September and October 2019 I had been involved with someone and the experience was nothing short of an emotionally abusive relationship. By mid-October it had ended and I was working on myself, prioritizing self-care, getting the necessary psychological help, travelling and putting myself out there. 

I met this man through a mutual acquaintance and from the onset I was visibly attracted to  him. We went on to have a few video calls and ultimately spent New Years Eve 2019 together. with my friends hosting us overnight. It was  a magical night. 

The following letter was sent to the Clive around 12 January 2020. My experience in September/October influenced my expressions in the labor of love that follows. I wanted to be clear about my intentions, and I wanted it known that I wasn't open to wasting my time.

The point of this post is not to get you to  feel sorry for me. On the contrary, it is to  (hopefully) inspire you to be more transparent and accountable in your engagements with people. I have observed that very often people don't want to be transparent about where they are, what they want and don't want, and would rather string another party along whilst they figure out their feelings. This they do without informing the other party or giving the other party the option to choose whether or not they wish to be participants in the other's exploratory journey.

I want it to be clear that I support the idea of people  'figuring themselves out' (unreservedly), however long it takes. Where I disagree is; finding one's self shouldn't be at the cost and expense of the time, effort, love and emotional investment of another.

To this day I haven't received a response from Clive, although we have had numerous engagements on Whatsapp and have had a few run-ins in person. 

One of the things I learned from this journey is that  even a lack of response is a form of response, and it can be far more telling then a worded response.

Finally, I wish to  acknowledge that this 'letter' was quite lengthy and that that may have had an impact on the response of the receiver. Perhaps my communication could have been succinct - but I want it to be clear that I did provide more than sufficient time for them to  go read and ponder upon their feelings so ultimately it was for them to share their heart with me too.

Here goes: 

** Greetings and pleasantries ** I took some down time to reflect and rest, and did some studying as well. So... are you free to chat? As part of my self-care journey I have made a commitment to engage uncomfortable and difficult conversations in order not to get my heart and overall health into trouble (again). I’m sure you can tell where this is going? Yeah - so, I had a really great time on NYE/new years’s day and after much reflection I’ve discovered that I want to explore “this” further, to spend time and really get to know each other via dates and stuff. So I thought to write to you so we could have an adult conversation about where we both are individually , what we are looking for, what we want, intentions etc. I guess I should start- I’m obvs into you, I’m not sure what that means just yet cause we haven’t spent much personal time together and I believe the best way for me to get to know someone is to share a life and moments with them. So I’d like that opportunity to better inform my feelings. At the same time, I’m 27.58 years old man and I really wouldn’t want to get invested in a thing if the other party wasn’t fully open to the experience. The thing about dating for me is to be and to experience being pursued as equally (if not more) than my own pursuits of the other person. And my intention with dating is to create a connection with the ultimate goal of being in a long-term committed relationship. So essentially I’d be using the dating experience as a springboard to further clarify for myself what I feel. The point of my text is not to say that we are suddenly tied down to each other (or forever) should we agree to pursue this, but it’s to open up honest authentic conversation about our individual states of mind and I guess to establish a terms of reference (yes - I’m that nerdy). So I’m hoping you too have had time to think about what you want, where you are and where you see ‘us’ going. I understand if you need time to think and revert back, so take as much time as you need. And if you feel that you only want friendship for now or indefinitely - that’s also okay. I can respect that and I remain open. Thanks. Thabang

PS: The guy was introduced to me as Clive, but his friends and those that know him affectionately call him "Sox", it's short for his Xhosa name. The name Clive translates to a cliff, slope, bank of a river, hence the title of this post.

N'im(n)e going

 Hallo  my beloveds

I hope you and your families are keeping safe.

I have some bitter-sweet news,

So - after 9 incredible years, I have decided to make a departure from Cape Town.

I have accepted a work opportunity in Pretoria, effective 1 August.

 

I could not think of a better time to make the move.

Over the past 4 years I’ve pondered  about being more present at home and  in the lives of  my loved ones. This decision is attributable to growing older and watching my mother and siblings also grow more into their own people. 

I have missed many'a birthdays and other big life moments, finding myself out here.

YOU have been an important part of my time in the Cape - the equal of family - and I wish to express my gratitude and pay homage to you.

I will miss you incredibly! 

Lake Como
Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Fortunately Pretoria is just a stone throw away, and I hope to be able to  return to  visit quite regularly.

In any case, wherever we end up, our love is too great, reaching beyond the bounds of the earth. And, the world is our oyster, if we don't see each other here, we will certainly run into each other in Paris or Milan; we might even take a drive along the Lake Como or settle for some tea. Wherever we will  be, so will our love be!

I love you all deeply and I hope we get to reconnect soon.

Yours,

Thabang

PS: The title of this letter plays off  my nine years in Cape Town and the fact that I am going.

"N'im(n)e" serves to indicate the time spent here and is also a play on "and I'm ...". Phonetically, there's a bit of a rhymes there.

So the title is actually " and (N') I'm (imne - where the "n" is silent) going " Or " Nine going".

Promenade walks, sunsets and leaning against the wall

He’s the friend other boys ask about

The ginger beard and brown eyes

Home to a smooth tone

Still,

Piercing and a deep roar of thunder is his laughter

He’s a wise man,

The sort of wisdom you dig up page by page as you feed on

Most are surprised that this is ‘just’ a friendship

Yes, love takes many forms

Friends can go for walks along the promenade

Lean against walls and speak life with the passing of time

Sunsets are for the wild at heart,

You and your sister

Me and my brother

A friend and another friend

Why

He found me on the side of the road
Washed up by the ocean tides
Hands full of sand

I felt him pick me up
Though a sack of potatoes
Yet with a lightness and ease.

I didn't know this man -
I don't know why he came.

Here I thought I'd remain unfound,
I'd hoped so
And yet here I was,
Involuntarily required to hope again
To live again,
Breath again,
To
Face IT ALL again.

He had not business saving me
"Why did he do it?" I wondered
"Why lift me up?"
"Why wash me up and let me to rest on a bed of kings?"
"Why feed me back to strength?"
"Why look me deep in the eyes and make me fall for you?"

Can you not see this how I ended up (t)here; washed up by the oceans?
I'd built up a dependency on love.

For the boy-friends that fell, and the girls that never were

Is it mental disease to expect people to be honest?

To say what they mean and live that?

To choose you?

To make time?

 

Is it insecurity to expect timely response?

Commitment?

Follow up?

Is it over-bearing to expect support?

Thoughtfulness?

Presence?

Presents sometimes?

Is it needy & clingy to expect to be prioritized?

Thought about?

Appreciated?

Is it a sign a brokenness to expect care?

And calls?

And texts?

And questions about your desires?

'cause if it is, please tell me I’m crazy.

'cause if it is, PLEASE.TELL.ME.

Tell me I’m crazy for breaking up with you ‘cause you gave me words but never showed works

Tell me I‘m crazy for leaving after you blatantly ignored me for 3 days straight without care or remorse

Tell me I’m crazy for weaning myself off you after I called you in desperation and you didn’t pick up, and didn’t bother to call back, and let days pass as per normal

Tell me I’m crazy for telling you my heart and even more, giving it to you

Tell me I’m crazy for thinking you’d show up on my birthday - Or maybe your representative – a text, or call

Tell me I’m crazy for thinking we can be friends

For committing time

And showing interest

For adoring you

For thinking you’d remember

For opening my life up to you

Am I crazy for putting in the effort and running at your every command?

Please tell me I am crazy for expecting to be to you what you were to me

TELL ME,

Is it mental disease to expect you to be honest?

To say what you mean and live that?

To choose me?

To make time?

TELL ME.

May I

May I never forget

On my best day,

All the tears I cried

And the pain inside

How I had to stand, despite the tide
For there was nothing else to do but ride

Fly - bring me home

There’s something about love

A sort of security
Some comfort
It takes away all shame
And invites freedom

There’s something about love
That allows you to dance as though possessed
Without a care
Or concern

There’s something about love
That gives access to every room in the house
And makes everything okay in the quietest of times

There’s something about love
Something that brings calm
And allows me to look deep in your eyes
Without fear
Of falling
Or nightmares
About destruction

There’s something about love
That teaches me that no matter how far you are
Whether here or there
That I haven’t clung to your hand
Or rested on your chest for the last time
And,
Even if I did
God forbid
There’s something about love that would sustain those feels
Eternally

There’s something about love
That leads me to trust
And hope
And believe
And stand

There’s something about love
I can’t quite put my finger on it
Whatever it is
I know it’s brought me home

A piece on the rut

Words fail  me

I can't see myself
I'm going through the motions
I can miss a moment

A few years ago I had an encounter
I was sleeping
It's a little crazy
But I suddenly woke up and immediately realized that I was alive
Me
In a world
Alive
And yes, for a brief moment I was convinced that I was part of a bigger plan
About me
That the world was conspiring
And that in fact, everyone knew God
And had seen  Him
And were working with Him
That I was the only one in the world
That they were all in secret with Him
That this was all  about me, journeying in to Him

Yes it's a little crazy
But that's me

Back to today.
I wanna be conscious
Present
I wanna see myself as I did on that day

There's something baffling about life
When you are young you think you've figured it out
Okay, let me say young- er
I guess at that age we are just so excited
Nothing has tainted us yet
Then we experience the hurt and the pain
Then suddenly, we become the people we never thought we would be

I think I finally understand why people are how they are
How they seem to be in a rut race
Life happened
Life happens
Suddenly you wake up and you have nothing to look forward to anymore
The flavor of your life is gone
You find yourself in places you detested
Wanting to defile yourself with the things you swore you'd never do

Maybe we need honest conversations
Maybe we need to write out a map
From who we were
Once
To who we are now
Then study it
See what went wrong
Or who.
Then forgive them
And ourselves
And heal.

I am not writing this piece because two of my good friends moved cities this weekend
I am not writing this piece because I am mourning a loss of their presence
I am not writing this piece because tears have welled up
I am writing this piece because I long to return to myself
And I don't know how
I am writing this piece because I want to return to who I was before the world happened to me
This is my piece on the rut.

Perhaps ...

Perhaps the most liberating feeling is realizing that you are enough
and that you are okay
Even just by yourself.
Learning not to center your world around people
Understanding that we are all  flawed
and that disappointment, like fury and hate, is too heavy a burden to carry;
more so at 25 - and your bones start giving way.

Perhaps the most liberating feeling is finding your way home,
by yourself.
Finally figuring it out.
Being bold enough to go by yourself
Then to come back home to yourself.

Perhaps the greatest form of growth is not falling for the hype
discarding popularity
living quietly
getting on a bus somewhere, getting off nowhere and just exploring the point
and discovering your corners.

Perhaps the deepest form of intimacy is having secrecy with yourself
Not telling your friends that you are taking driving lessons
Or climbing mountains all by yourself
Not because you are proud
But because they are yours to have and share with yourself only

Perhaps this is where I've been travelling to  all along
Perhaps all these things needed to happen to me in order for me to relate clearly with God
I mean everything.
When He is everything - all  in all.
Your first point of call; not because you are disappointed in  the world,
but because He is the one you trust.

Perhaps
Perhaps

Matric Reunion

Thabang WaJesu

Can't decide which one it is

Whether - fear or excitement,

Or even a slight bit of shame.

A whirlwind of emotion.

Something nice happened today.   I was added to a Whatsapp group for our matric class' 8 year reunion.

These people lay special in my heart.

That class, those memories, so special!

Best times of my life.

So I don't really know how I feel.

I've changed so much.

People feel the need to SHOW UP for these things.

Best foot forward.

I'm overcome by emotion.

I just look forward to seeing them, stroking their faces, enjoying their company, to be there - here, to hear their laughter, and to celebrate Khotso's life, and Boy's.

 And cry.

And truly cry at the passing of time.

The kinda person you fall in love with

Some people make you feel ashamed for feeling how you feel about them and for them. But there are others that make your feelings valid; yes- even when you are being your normal overly dramatic self.
This is the kind of person you fall in love with

The 3 - family picture

So I want three
A little boy
A little girl
And another little boy

I want a little boy first because I want him to be protective over his sister
His name will be Ryan
Ryan Micheal
Direct translation is: Ryan (Little King), Micheal (Who is like our God)
For me Ryan will  be like a gift from God,
Coming in at the right time when I am ready to settle down and he brings calm to a busy lifestyle and just wants to be loved.
I love loving. I love having the free space to love and just love without shame. Without absence.
I have been in a couple of relationships where I always felt that I could not love freely,
I was not allowed to care too much.
Or to care at all. It was regarded as too emotional and "not so strong for a man". And Ryan comes at the perfect time where there is a deep yearning in me to love someone fully and just let them be the focus of my love.
Ryan grows up to have a beautiful personality and a big heart. He is God's promise, so it is very evident - the footprints and marks of God's presence in his life. Being the first, Ryan brings with  him, beautiful  life lessons about authentic love, patience, sacrifice and joy. When he is 5 or 6, Ryan will  start suggesting that he would like to have a sibling - a little sister to watch on over. He is of the opinion that he is grown and that he is the second man of the house. It is beautiful  to watch.

My daughter, Zoe, pronounced "Dzoay" is named after a Greek word that translated to "life", but not life as we know it, but eternal life, the God kind of life. God's own life. And it is apparent from the onset that Zoe is a remarkable little girl. She is beautiful and resilient. Bringing life to every situation. Ryan is completely smitten by  his little sister. Zoe's second name is Lerato, which directly translates "Love" from Sotho and Tswana. Life and Love are apparent in Zoe's life.


Xabiso is my third and last born. My beautiful boy. He is born when his siblings are much older. Ryan in  his early twenties and Zoe her early teens. Xabiso also comes in at the right season, when my children are growing into adults and are their journeys are taken them in various directions. His arrival and presence throughout is the glue that brings us back to our values - the value of love and family. He reminds us of the great love we share, the power of God and how incredibly blessed we are to be a family. His siblings are extremely protective of him, and they look after him.

I envision a life of love, abundant love. Filled with family (these immediate 3) and my own family (my siblings, mother, aunties and their families, and koko), and friends - seasoned, smart friends that love Jesus - care for the world and want to make a difference. I envision a life of extreme wealth, no limitations, where I can help whenever, where ever in the world. My life will be impactful  in society, and I have  worked to rebuild our nation. My heart is pure and the peace of God in Christ reigns over me. I am content. I am happy. I am living the life I have always dreamed of. I get to travel very often, and to interact with people. I get to share Christ and pray for the nations. I get to teach and talk to young people. I get to do research. I get to cook, and be very good at it.