I don't know how I have managed to get some posts together. Or maybe I am going through a "writer's block" phase? Hey, I wonder how people who are employed writers manage to produce work after work. Respect!
So 2014 has had an interesting start. I think I should begin by sharing with you what Daddy said to me last year in December. Actually, perhaps the starting point should be how my varsity break was, as I have said on numerous accounts that I would write about it
2013 was challenging for me, I could say the second half of 2012 was too? But I think you'd have a better idea of what I went through in 2013 by just going through my posts on here. The year felt really lonely. The best thing that happened last year was having the opportunity to tutor with the College of Accounting at UCT. Tutoring kept me sane! I thank God for that! You know it is true that Daddy will cause everything to work for our good. Tutoring was that one thing that I needed to feel in line with my purpose when seemingly everything else was falling apart.
In case you didn't know- I am passionate about education and teaching.
What was going on in 2013? Relationships! If you went through my post about my dad you would understand why relationships would be challenging for me. I felt somewhat "abused" in my friendships, unappreciated! I felt that I had to constantly pursue people, yet no one was pursuing me. I guess I felt unloved- being aware of this, I felt like a hypocrite- how could I profess to "know" the Father's love when I want to be loved by people. I kept wondering whether His love was enough for me. Guilt! Guilt! Knowing that He loves me yet- wanting to feel "loved" by those around me.
Okay, I am a really affectionate person. One of those that easily "catch" feelings. I care about people, I love people. How I have wished to feel just as loved as I know that I love. The other thing also is that I am not entirely open about my life, my feelings and myself. I guess I keep some rooms to myself, but I also think it depends on the relationship. if you ask anyone who has spent time with me, you will know that we spend a lot more time talking about them and how they are doing. I just cant seem to be able to effectively communicate what is going on in my life. It just seems too complicated to share with a "mere" man I guess? However, I seem very effective in asking the right questions to find out how other people are doing.
What was happening last year? I actually don't know. I guess I was just tired of relationships that were one-sided. The hardest part was my birthday- spending it alone. Though in the end I had great fun, it was just knowing that some people forgot and that some "friends" didn't even know that date. I think the way I saw life after that changed. Relationships are very important to me, and contrary to popular belief- I actually look for depth. I love getting to know people, finding out about their passions and visions. And I look for virtue in people! It is knowing that the people I associate with treat others as they too would like to be treated. That deep!
In hindsight I can say that as difficult as everything was, I am glad I went through this period. I am more at peace with how things ended with some people, I got the closure I needed. I learnt that blocking someone off social networks is not the way to deal with unresolved feelings. I am happy that I got my closure. I left some faith activities because I realised that they were dragging me behind, causing me to question the value God on me. Not worth it!
So when I left Cape Town in November I had set in my heart to use the varsity break to find myself and ultimately to decide what I wanted. Whether it would be Daddy or something else. I felt that I had become very distracted by everything that was happening in my life that I had lost sight of Him. And He says " keep your eyes fixed on ME, the author and the finisher of your faith". I needed this time. When I got home things were a bit slow ... I wasn't where I needed to be in my walk with Daddy but I was very happy to be back at my home-church. There's just something about being home. Finally there came a turning point, it is like something happened. A fight between heaven and hell (for me), and heaven won 'cause suddenly my eyes were open to see- really see. I dedicated time to the Word and worship, just feasting in the presence of the Lord- it was then that Daddy God said to me concerning 2014: " You are the greatness of God revealed". Wow! What a Word! 2 days later I received a confirmatory message from someone I didn't know, through one of my blog posts, who just wrote "the greatness of God revealed". Wow- what a confirmation! I was so encouraged- God's love became my reality, it is almost like I can physically lean on Him. He was a reality. He began to fill me with dreams for the new year, things I would do to get my life more exciting. one of which is cooking . Love it! Pure bliss! My "new" dreams seemed to have a common thread: consistence and persistence. Funny thing is, these have always been the most challenging virtues for me.
I had such a great time at home, my mom turned 40 and we threw a big party. It was at this event that my dad's last photo was taken. Interesting thing about life hey, you may just be taking your last photo.
In the week that my dad got ill we prayed, every time I prayed I felt that I was wasting my time, on the inside of me I knew he was gone. Yet I kept praying- it felt like unbelief. It was draining to do. What I would continually see though was a bright future, everything taken care of. It was almost like his passing would lead to this bright future. you have no idea how bad I felt. I saw him the day before his passing, he looked old. But he didn't look like someone that could die in a few hours- that's what my mom and I find puzzling. He would not even look at us, it was as though he had suddenly become impatient. I remember just how worried my mom was, she even called him that evening to see if he was fine, and he promised that he was fine. That call that we dreaded came through just after 3am, though in bed- none of us could see. I remember my mom answering the phone, her last words were " Druza- what are you doing to me?". 'Cause I didn't hear her cry , I thought it was a false alarm. My mom is a strong woman. She made sure everything was fine. It was so painful when the kids found out, especially my little brother. but God help him.
I think the funeral threw me off, making the arrangements was exhausting. I really enjoyed spending time with my mom. I did everything to make her laugh. A smile had become so rare on her face, that at any sign of a smile, my heart would leap for joy. Having to return to CT a week after the funeral was the hardest- not knowing if they are fine, if they were coping. It was such a challenge. Praise God for cellphones.Cape Town has been an interesting time. I will say that I have grown in Daddy's love. I have. I can put up with a lot of things that people do without feeling bad about myself. I have also become much more comfortable - with myself. How you ask? Joyce Meyer overload. I think I like myself now, and yes I believe that I am beautiful.
Inside-out.
I had the most wonderful Saturday last weekend, I got to spend time with Syd. Hadn't seen him in about a month- but we go to the same institution. I don't know what we actually did; I guess it was just about being together at that time in that space. We went to Manhattans , a gay bar in Greenpoint. Such a great time.
Here's to a wonderful life <3
No comments:
Post a Comment