Phil 1:23

23 But I am hard pressed between the two. My yearning desire is to depart (to be free of this world, to set forth) and be with Christ, for that is far, far better.

Building castles, living in mansions: all in the power of the mind

We live within our own limits. What pleasure to know that we can break down this walls and walk beyond these bounds.

God gives dreams much bigger than our place of birth, but if we are caught up in what was and has and we burden ourselves with the lives of others, slowly we will feel the chains of the burdens pull us down and close us in.

Living within the bounds of our own limits.

Save the hero

Validation.

Human beings, we all need validation.
To us all it comes in varying ways. To some it is in getting perpetual affirmation, to others in material things. For me I guess its always been in  be able to confidently rest in the security of love. To know that I know that I know that I'm loved. The depths of love that casts away fear.

I spent the last 3 hours with some of my favorite people in the world. We have grown so different in the past 2 and a half years, their personalities more alike, their aspirations too I assume.

I have always been the 'motherly' 'place of return in times of trouble' one and them, careless (in the best of ways) and carefree. I admire them. And I love them deeply. Times with them always make me feel like a 'hip and happening' parent trying to keep up with their teenage kids.

The last 3 hours have persuaded me to consider whether I'm enjoying life, or if I'm watching it go by, missing out without any form of risk taking. This brings me back to the issue of yesterday's post: deciding on my person that I want to be. Do I want to be free spirited, grabbing life by its horns, or do I want to be who I think I need to be (is this person even really me?)?. Whoever I choose, I will have to live with and live out - consistently.

Frustration.

Varisty has been the most strenuous time of my life. I miss being 17 and thinking that I know who I am and what I want. Being 22- knowing what you want today and changing your mind tomorrow.

I think suicide is cowardice. In my opinion it is not having the strength to decide what you want and being it. Instead it is deciding to pull the plug on life or choose the "GAME OVER" option. I'm not thinking about it. There were days when I could completely relate to why anyone would decide to do it. Sometimes I'm convicted about its selfishness. Other times I think perhaps the pain one has borne supersedes (in their mind) the pain they think others will have to deal with in their absence.

I do not think the world realizes what young people go through. Choosing between what you see and deal with every day versus what you think is right vs what you want for yourself vs your faith. It is a lot to consider. I admire the people that have chosen to be whatever they are, least for them a choice has been made, whatever the consequences. Nothing more frustrating than a double-minded man. Nothing more frustrating than feeling lukewarm.

God help me.

Seeing things through

I probably shouldn't still be up, its 02h41 and I have a Finance test at 09h00. Its raining here and my thoughts are as loud as the storm and the echo of its large raindrops heard outside my window.

It's been a crazy year, a testing year. I feel now more distant to God than I've ever felt before. I haven't been doing what I need to be doing - in order to grow strong, a man must eat the right food. I haven't been eating much, or doing much good so to speak. There's so much discontentment. And unfortunately I don't think its the type associated with wanderlust, easily healed by packing up one's bags. Its different.

I think I  know what it is. Any friend that's had the pleasure of asking me where I am in life will tell you that I've continually said: " my entire life and God is screaming 'consistency' ". I'll admit I am guilty of having a short attention/interest span, however, I do see it catching up with me.

At the moment I think its about figuring out ... okay - "figuring out" is sugarcoating it, I need to decide who and what I want , as well as the kind of person I want to be, then stick to it. About a month ago I found myself questioning some of my values, they had nothing to do with my integrity but more to do with my ideas of sex and where and when it fits into a relationship. My mind has been plagued with all things sexual, it feels like I've been in multiple relationships, although I've only had one.

I am not in a good mental space and this is a thorn in my flesh.

I recently listened to an audio book by renown author and transformation specialist: Robin Sharma, which alluded to regaining control over one's mind, something I'm deeply convinced of, as it roots (in my view) from the writings of the Christian faith.

The effects of having little control over one's mind are easily translated into their habits, words and choices. I feel and see myself changing and I don't like it. I don't like the state of my mind and the person it is shaping.

I wanna change it. I'm going to change it.

So this afternoon after my test I'm going to sit myself down, chat to myself (without any distractions) and decide with myself what I want and who I want to be.

Mental health is just as important.

The thing about birthdays

I'm taking a study break as I type this ( I do take a lot of these - don't judge, which student doesn't?).

My life is about to go crazy in the next couple of days, being involved in marking 2 exams, working on a translation project, reception work, school work (2 exams and assignment due at the end of the semester vacation) , life work. But I love it! I really do. It's interesting to me that I've always wanted to be a busy bee- to schedule people in. And this year I've had the most wonderful opportunity of doing just that: managing my own diary.

My birthday is coming in a couple of days. I hate this time of the year. Makes me so uncomfortable. I don't talk about it very much, this in fact is the first time I've written about it before. A lot goes on in my mind.

I feel like I have this big alter-ego on the inside in my mind who cares about his birthday, who wants everyone to remember and to show up and to call and all that jazz, yet on the outside I feel myself scared. A lot of people have forgotten before,  never called or showed up. It has never been a 'thing' my birthday and I think somewhat over the years I've become a little reserved about my expectations. These days I simply prefer having my phone off, kicking off my ugs and watching a movie alone. All the mushy and gooey messages make me feel all kinds of uncomfortable. Maybe because deep down I don't think I deserve to be appreciated? Or that such expressions of love are foreign territory (for me as a recipient)?. I don't know. All I know is that I can safely say that my birthday makes me uncomfortable and nowdays other people's birthdays make me uncomfortable too. I'd prefer not having to deal with them.

What's also interesting is that people think I'm a huge birthday person- well people do think a lot of things about me, much of which is unfounded. But a lot does go on in my mind and maybe I do give off that idea (seeing how last year I had a countdown to my birthday and constantly reminded 'everyone' as the day drew nearer). I think it was all an act. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'll never know.

There are 2 things I know for sure as I type here

1. This year I'm pretending that I lost my phone from two days before to two days after my birthday.

2. A lesson I learnt today: often we chase the people who aren't even the least interested in us, but if we stop, take a moment and look around (even just behind us) we will find all those people aggressively chasing us in love and these are the ones we must enjoy and let enjoy us.

Happy birthday Thabang Molapo