On self care (1)

13 March 2020

It is beyond the natural products and Sunday regimens - though those are good too - self care is the foundation on which you set the tone for how others may treat you, what you will and will not accept, by how you treat yourself. 

On the bank of the river Sox

I have had a very tumultuous relationship with romance and I must admit that I have often been very naive about people and what they have to  offer. I am also the first to admit to some of the problematic romantic views that  I held growing up which were rooted in my upbringing as well as my exposure to romantic relationships as depicted in the media, but more on these in  another post.

This post is about a boy that I met in the club on the first weekend of December 2019. This was my first visit to the club in 2019 and a first in about 4 years, before then I had only ever been 'out like that' two other times (one as a coping mechanism to a break -up that you all know too well about from  my earlier posts!). 

The club environment is not really my scene. I am into more intimate settings like jazz bars or restaurants for dinners with friends, and anything over food really - anyway I  digress.

Just to  provide some background, prior to  this, between  September and October 2019 I had been involved with someone and the experience was nothing short of an emotionally abusive relationship. By mid-October it had ended and I was working on myself, prioritizing self-care, getting the necessary psychological help, travelling and putting myself out there. 

I met this man through a mutual acquaintance and from the onset I was visibly attracted to  him. We went on to have a few video calls and ultimately spent New Years Eve 2019 together. with my friends hosting us overnight. It was  a magical night. 

The following letter was sent to the Clive around 12 January 2020. My experience in September/October influenced my expressions in the labor of love that follows. I wanted to be clear about my intentions, and I wanted it known that I wasn't open to wasting my time.

The point of this post is not to get you to  feel sorry for me. On the contrary, it is to  (hopefully) inspire you to be more transparent and accountable in your engagements with people. I have observed that very often people don't want to be transparent about where they are, what they want and don't want, and would rather string another party along whilst they figure out their feelings. This they do without informing the other party or giving the other party the option to choose whether or not they wish to be participants in the other's exploratory journey.

I want it to be clear that I support the idea of people  'figuring themselves out' (unreservedly), however long it takes. Where I disagree is; finding one's self shouldn't be at the cost and expense of the time, effort, love and emotional investment of another.

To this day I haven't received a response from Clive, although we have had numerous engagements on Whatsapp and have had a few run-ins in person. 

One of the things I learned from this journey is that  even a lack of response is a form of response, and it can be far more telling then a worded response.

Finally, I wish to  acknowledge that this 'letter' was quite lengthy and that that may have had an impact on the response of the receiver. Perhaps my communication could have been succinct - but I want it to be clear that I did provide more than sufficient time for them to  go read and ponder upon their feelings so ultimately it was for them to share their heart with me too.

Here goes: 

** Greetings and pleasantries ** I took some down time to reflect and rest, and did some studying as well. So... are you free to chat? As part of my self-care journey I have made a commitment to engage uncomfortable and difficult conversations in order not to get my heart and overall health into trouble (again). I’m sure you can tell where this is going? Yeah - so, I had a really great time on NYE/new years’s day and after much reflection I’ve discovered that I want to explore “this” further, to spend time and really get to know each other via dates and stuff. So I thought to write to you so we could have an adult conversation about where we both are individually , what we are looking for, what we want, intentions etc. I guess I should start- I’m obvs into you, I’m not sure what that means just yet cause we haven’t spent much personal time together and I believe the best way for me to get to know someone is to share a life and moments with them. So I’d like that opportunity to better inform my feelings. At the same time, I’m 27.58 years old man and I really wouldn’t want to get invested in a thing if the other party wasn’t fully open to the experience. The thing about dating for me is to be and to experience being pursued as equally (if not more) than my own pursuits of the other person. And my intention with dating is to create a connection with the ultimate goal of being in a long-term committed relationship. So essentially I’d be using the dating experience as a springboard to further clarify for myself what I feel. The point of my text is not to say that we are suddenly tied down to each other (or forever) should we agree to pursue this, but it’s to open up honest authentic conversation about our individual states of mind and I guess to establish a terms of reference (yes - I’m that nerdy). So I’m hoping you too have had time to think about what you want, where you are and where you see ‘us’ going. I understand if you need time to think and revert back, so take as much time as you need. And if you feel that you only want friendship for now or indefinitely - that’s also okay. I can respect that and I remain open. Thanks. Thabang

PS: The guy was introduced to me as Clive, but his friends and those that know him affectionately call him "Sox", it's short for his Xhosa name. The name Clive translates to a cliff, slope, bank of a river, hence the title of this post.

N'im(n)e going

 Hallo  my beloveds

I hope you and your families are keeping safe.

I have some bitter-sweet news,

So - after 9 incredible years, I have decided to make a departure from Cape Town.

I have accepted a work opportunity in Pretoria, effective 1 August.

 

I could not think of a better time to make the move.

Over the past 4 years I’ve pondered  about being more present at home and  in the lives of  my loved ones. This decision is attributable to growing older and watching my mother and siblings also grow more into their own people. 

I have missed many'a birthdays and other big life moments, finding myself out here.

YOU have been an important part of my time in the Cape - the equal of family - and I wish to express my gratitude and pay homage to you.

I will miss you incredibly! 

Lake Como
Credit: Getty Images/iStockphoto

Fortunately Pretoria is just a stone throw away, and I hope to be able to  return to  visit quite regularly.

In any case, wherever we end up, our love is too great, reaching beyond the bounds of the earth. And, the world is our oyster, if we don't see each other here, we will certainly run into each other in Paris or Milan; we might even take a drive along the Lake Como or settle for some tea. Wherever we will  be, so will our love be!

I love you all deeply and I hope we get to reconnect soon.

Yours,

Thabang

PS: The title of this letter plays off  my nine years in Cape Town and the fact that I am going.

"N'im(n)e" serves to indicate the time spent here and is also a play on "and I'm ...". Phonetically, there's a bit of a rhymes there.

So the title is actually " and (N') I'm (imne - where the "n" is silent) going " Or " Nine going".

Promenade walks, sunsets and leaning against the wall

He’s the friend other boys ask about

The ginger beard and brown eyes

Home to a smooth tone

Still,

Piercing and a deep roar of thunder is his laughter

He’s a wise man,

The sort of wisdom you dig up page by page as you feed on

Most are surprised that this is ‘just’ a friendship

Yes, love takes many forms

Friends can go for walks along the promenade

Lean against walls and speak life with the passing of time

Sunsets are for the wild at heart,

You and your sister

Me and my brother

A friend and another friend

Why

He found me on the side of the road
Washed up by the ocean tides
Hands full of sand

I felt him pick me up
Though a sack of potatoes
Yet with a lightness and ease.

I didn't know this man -
I don't know why he came.

Here I thought I'd remain unfound,
I'd hoped so
And yet here I was,
Involuntarily required to hope again
To live again,
Breath again,
To
Face IT ALL again.

He had not business saving me
"Why did he do it?" I wondered
"Why lift me up?"
"Why wash me up and let me to rest on a bed of kings?"
"Why feed me back to strength?"
"Why look me deep in the eyes and make me fall for you?"

Can you not see this how I ended up (t)here; washed up by the oceans?
I'd built up a dependency on love.

For the boy-friends that fell, and the girls that never were

Is it mental disease to expect people to be honest?

To say what they mean and live that?

To choose you?

To make time?

 

Is it insecurity to expect timely response?

Commitment?

Follow up?

Is it over-bearing to expect support?

Thoughtfulness?

Presence?

Presents sometimes?

Is it needy & clingy to expect to be prioritized?

Thought about?

Appreciated?

Is it a sign a brokenness to expect care?

And calls?

And texts?

And questions about your desires?

'cause if it is, please tell me I’m crazy.

'cause if it is, PLEASE.TELL.ME.

Tell me I’m crazy for breaking up with you ‘cause you gave me words but never showed works

Tell me I‘m crazy for leaving after you blatantly ignored me for 3 days straight without care or remorse

Tell me I’m crazy for weaning myself off you after I called you in desperation and you didn’t pick up, and didn’t bother to call back, and let days pass as per normal

Tell me I’m crazy for telling you my heart and even more, giving it to you

Tell me I’m crazy for thinking you’d show up on my birthday - Or maybe your representative – a text, or call

Tell me I’m crazy for thinking we can be friends

For committing time

And showing interest

For adoring you

For thinking you’d remember

For opening my life up to you

Am I crazy for putting in the effort and running at your every command?

Please tell me I am crazy for expecting to be to you what you were to me

TELL ME,

Is it mental disease to expect you to be honest?

To say what you mean and live that?

To choose me?

To make time?

TELL ME.

May I

May I never forget

On my best day,

All the tears I cried

And the pain inside

How I had to stand, despite the tide
For there was nothing else to do but ride

Fly - bring me home

There’s something about love

A sort of security
Some comfort
It takes away all shame
And invites freedom

There’s something about love
That allows you to dance as though possessed
Without a care
Or concern

There’s something about love
That gives access to every room in the house
And makes everything okay in the quietest of times

There’s something about love
Something that brings calm
And allows me to look deep in your eyes
Without fear
Of falling
Or nightmares
About destruction

There’s something about love
That teaches me that no matter how far you are
Whether here or there
That I haven’t clung to your hand
Or rested on your chest for the last time
And,
Even if I did
God forbid
There’s something about love that would sustain those feels
Eternally

There’s something about love
That leads me to trust
And hope
And believe
And stand

There’s something about love
I can’t quite put my finger on it
Whatever it is
I know it’s brought me home

A piece on the rut

Words fail  me

I can't see myself
I'm going through the motions
I can miss a moment

A few years ago I had an encounter
I was sleeping
It's a little crazy
But I suddenly woke up and immediately realized that I was alive
Me
In a world
Alive
And yes, for a brief moment I was convinced that I was part of a bigger plan
About me
That the world was conspiring
And that in fact, everyone knew God
And had seen  Him
And were working with Him
That I was the only one in the world
That they were all in secret with Him
That this was all  about me, journeying in to Him

Yes it's a little crazy
But that's me

Back to today.
I wanna be conscious
Present
I wanna see myself as I did on that day

There's something baffling about life
When you are young you think you've figured it out
Okay, let me say young- er
I guess at that age we are just so excited
Nothing has tainted us yet
Then we experience the hurt and the pain
Then suddenly, we become the people we never thought we would be

I think I finally understand why people are how they are
How they seem to be in a rut race
Life happened
Life happens
Suddenly you wake up and you have nothing to look forward to anymore
The flavor of your life is gone
You find yourself in places you detested
Wanting to defile yourself with the things you swore you'd never do

Maybe we need honest conversations
Maybe we need to write out a map
From who we were
Once
To who we are now
Then study it
See what went wrong
Or who.
Then forgive them
And ourselves
And heal.

I am not writing this piece because two of my good friends moved cities this weekend
I am not writing this piece because I am mourning a loss of their presence
I am not writing this piece because tears have welled up
I am writing this piece because I long to return to myself
And I don't know how
I am writing this piece because I want to return to who I was before the world happened to me
This is my piece on the rut.

Perhaps ...

Perhaps the most liberating feeling is realizing that you are enough
and that you are okay
Even just by yourself.
Learning not to center your world around people
Understanding that we are all  flawed
and that disappointment, like fury and hate, is too heavy a burden to carry;
more so at 25 - and your bones start giving way.

Perhaps the most liberating feeling is finding your way home,
by yourself.
Finally figuring it out.
Being bold enough to go by yourself
Then to come back home to yourself.

Perhaps the greatest form of growth is not falling for the hype
discarding popularity
living quietly
getting on a bus somewhere, getting off nowhere and just exploring the point
and discovering your corners.

Perhaps the deepest form of intimacy is having secrecy with yourself
Not telling your friends that you are taking driving lessons
Or climbing mountains all by yourself
Not because you are proud
But because they are yours to have and share with yourself only

Perhaps this is where I've been travelling to  all along
Perhaps all these things needed to happen to me in order for me to relate clearly with God
I mean everything.
When He is everything - all  in all.
Your first point of call; not because you are disappointed in  the world,
but because He is the one you trust.

Perhaps
Perhaps

Matric Reunion

Thabang WaJesu

Can't decide which one it is

Whether - fear or excitement,

Or even a slight bit of shame.

A whirlwind of emotion.

Something nice happened today.   I was added to a Whatsapp group for our matric class' 8 year reunion.

These people lay special in my heart.

That class, those memories, so special!

Best times of my life.

So I don't really know how I feel.

I've changed so much.

People feel the need to SHOW UP for these things.

Best foot forward.

I'm overcome by emotion.

I just look forward to seeing them, stroking their faces, enjoying their company, to be there - here, to hear their laughter, and to celebrate Khotso's life, and Boy's.

 And cry.

And truly cry at the passing of time.

The kinda person you fall in love with

Some people make you feel ashamed for feeling how you feel about them and for them. But there are others that make your feelings valid; yes- even when you are being your normal overly dramatic self.
This is the kind of person you fall in love with

The 3 - family picture

So I want three
A little boy
A little girl
And another little boy

I want a little boy first because I want him to be protective over his sister
His name will be Ryan
Ryan Micheal
Direct translation is: Ryan (Little King), Micheal (Who is like our God)
For me Ryan will  be like a gift from God,
Coming in at the right time when I am ready to settle down and he brings calm to a busy lifestyle and just wants to be loved.
I love loving. I love having the free space to love and just love without shame. Without absence.
I have been in a couple of relationships where I always felt that I could not love freely,
I was not allowed to care too much.
Or to care at all. It was regarded as too emotional and "not so strong for a man". And Ryan comes at the perfect time where there is a deep yearning in me to love someone fully and just let them be the focus of my love.
Ryan grows up to have a beautiful personality and a big heart. He is God's promise, so it is very evident - the footprints and marks of God's presence in his life. Being the first, Ryan brings with  him, beautiful  life lessons about authentic love, patience, sacrifice and joy. When he is 5 or 6, Ryan will  start suggesting that he would like to have a sibling - a little sister to watch on over. He is of the opinion that he is grown and that he is the second man of the house. It is beautiful  to watch.

My daughter, Zoe, pronounced "Dzoay" is named after a Greek word that translated to "life", but not life as we know it, but eternal life, the God kind of life. God's own life. And it is apparent from the onset that Zoe is a remarkable little girl. She is beautiful and resilient. Bringing life to every situation. Ryan is completely smitten by  his little sister. Zoe's second name is Lerato, which directly translates "Love" from Sotho and Tswana. Life and Love are apparent in Zoe's life.


Xabiso is my third and last born. My beautiful boy. He is born when his siblings are much older. Ryan in  his early twenties and Zoe her early teens. Xabiso also comes in at the right season, when my children are growing into adults and are their journeys are taken them in various directions. His arrival and presence throughout is the glue that brings us back to our values - the value of love and family. He reminds us of the great love we share, the power of God and how incredibly blessed we are to be a family. His siblings are extremely protective of him, and they look after him.

I envision a life of love, abundant love. Filled with family (these immediate 3) and my own family (my siblings, mother, aunties and their families, and koko), and friends - seasoned, smart friends that love Jesus - care for the world and want to make a difference. I envision a life of extreme wealth, no limitations, where I can help whenever, where ever in the world. My life will be impactful  in society, and I have  worked to rebuild our nation. My heart is pure and the peace of God in Christ reigns over me. I am content. I am happy. I am living the life I have always dreamed of. I get to travel very often, and to interact with people. I get to share Christ and pray for the nations. I get to teach and talk to young people. I get to do research. I get to cook, and be very good at it.

Go back in time - A letter of love to myself

Go back in time
Look there again and again
See yourself
Notice the beauty you are, there.
Your crooked teeth
Beautiful smile
Almost full brows
That nose that consumes all the air
And the pimple laying there on it

Look there again,
See your size
Love
32.
34.
It don't matter
Love it.

Hear the beauty  of your brain
The life in your words
The faith in your eyes
The trust in your heart
See thine feet and how rooted they are
Witness the depth of the love despite the waves

Society's culture is for us not to appreciate who we are right there in the moment
We are always looking to be better and more beautiful
Often to our detriment
So look back,
Look again,
And consider the beauty of your old days
You were beautiful
All  along
And you missed it

Now come here my child
Come closer
Here, to  today.
See yourself
As you are.
Look deep in your lovely brown eyes
Noticed the knot on your one ear
And the beautiful wrinkles when you light up the room with your smile
Come here.
See yourself
Love yourself

Ever noticed HOW

I am at home in myself
And dance freely in your presence?
Your love is a tune that brings me beautiful comfort
I am tender
My hardness stilled
I am a child
Worries quenched
I see the oceans
No limits
Possibilities

Ever notice how much I am in love with you?
Man, I am in love with you!
Yes I falter
Am I not to learn strength?
Yes I waver
Are you not my strength?

I am learning
When he said " You are my rod and my staff"
I am learning to hold on
Hang on
Grab on
To you
Even to my old age
For great are the things You have done
And great are the things You continue to do
You plant a seed in man's heart
A dream much greater than their place of birth
Or all that they have grown to know.