Timezones

I have always found timezones so fascinating. They testify to the majesty of God. I mean how it can be the 1st of a new year in Australia, whilst still being midday New Year eve here by me. It's beautiful.

One of my acquaintances, Tebogo, once told me about the beauty of flying between time zones and continents, where a second ago it was dark and star-lit, and next it's sunny & shiny. It's an experience I relish to experience.

I am very excited for the new year 2017. I've made so many mistakes in 2016 that have been most revealing. I'm excited to start afresh, perhaps that should be how I view every day 'cause He's mercies are new every morning.

2017 is my seeding & planting season, laying foundations for what's to come. I look forward to some immediate rewards, and waiting for some.

Here's to a beautiful & blessed 2017.

This is how I see the world

This is how I see the world:

If you don't make time for me; you don't love me.

When?

When did you get reduced to a midnight snack?

Maybe

Maybe these are just a child's tantrums trying to get their Father's attention

Shame

I was ashamed
I cringed when they referred to me by the name You gave me
I'm lost
Seek me as a shepherd would that one lost lamb
To live in the words You've spoken
Find me Lord & keep me

Honest conversation 1

I'm a mess. As messy as the first scene from a 'self help' Cameron Diaz movie.
At 17, 19 & 20 I knew myself,and now, at 24 - I'm not so sure. I mean yeah, my core values are still the same; but my actions sometimes are anti.
I don't know
I don't know

Prayer

Save me from the days of my youth

Be attractive!

' Cause we can't expect other people, whether here & now or in the future, to be great things for us, when we are not putting in the effort to be just as beautiful and great for them ( here & now, and in the future).
For we attract beautiful things by being beautiful

HOW- I WANNA GET BETTER

For me, it is no longer enough to know why I am doing things,
Like why I am binge eating cause I am stressed, or why I'm eating wheat based products, being fully aware of the implications for someone who has celiac disease, however still doing it anyway 'cause well, "there's something going in in my life and I simply refuse to address it. "

Yey to me for getting this far and understanding WHY I do what I do. Why I 'harm' myself, and why sometimes it seems I am even sabotaging myself by being lazy & disrespectful of authority.
It doesn't interest me anymore, the why. Yes, it's tremendous progress to be able to reflect deeply and identify patterns, but for me, I think the biggest deal should be the HOW.
HOW do I become better?
HOW do I change?
HOW do I move forward to the person I've always aspired to be?

Aspirations are like big shoes and big clothes that we are growing into. That's why the HOW is so important to me. If  I get stuck at the why, I'll keep making excuses for resisting growth and not doing better.

A friend I hadn't chatted to in a while recently wrote back to me following my very emotional, very reminiscent " I miss you " message, one of the biggest things he said to me was " I hope you are taking care of yourself ". A seemingly simple line in a text one may think, yet I wonder  if really I am taking care of myself.

The HOW

The night they shot me & you died

And just like that, in one moment, my greatest love story was taken from me
Yet, cause Of your sacrifice, I know they may have stolen the book, but the timeless theme Of love remains.

I watched tonight as you left your body,
For a moment I felt myself lost in time
Your blood gushing out
My hands trying to keep you alive
And even in your last moments you were still the greatest
You assured me of your love
I now know.
You showed me your love when you took those bullets for me
When you intentionally died to save me.
I could kill you myself, you know.
You've left me here to face the pain of life without you.

8 years feel like a small breath.
Now you'll only be a story,
My kids will never meet you
Your grandchildren never know you,
If I could sell everything to have you back
My love
Your smell & smile
Your touch

How do I go on?
How do I laugh again?
How do I live?

These days I just sit here
No words,
I can't go anywhere in the world
Every place has traces of you
You are my every place

I miss you
I love you
I mourn you

It's hard to accept that I won't see yoi again, for the longest time.
Life has knocked me out Ry,
I don't know how to get up without you

Your mom is everything.
She's been so strong for us
Michelle is here.
I appreciate them.
My fam prays with me.
But nothing can heal me from your absence.

How can the one be around for a short while?
My one
My tragedy
I miss you

Righteousness

Your love makes me right
Not my strength
Not my might or efforts
But Your love

Year in,
Year out Lord
I experience kindness & grace
Favor unmatched
Mercy underserved
And every single time
I realise that I wanna be right

Your love
It's qualities
It's quality
Produces right in me

Lost my senzes

He's beautiful
I took his
You are beautiful
I took yours
I enjoyed yours

On a wet winter's night
A Thursday of August
A warm evening
I had your food
Sat in your space
Took your place
Danced to his tune
As I lay in his lair

I see why you love him
I can't understand how he loves you
I don't know how I got here
It was supper with a friend
Now on his lips I find mine
Fully knowing he's not mine to have

He is yours
I tasted yours
Took of bite not meant for me

In the morning I see his guilt
The lovingness of yesternight is now a form of war & aggression
I am lost
Then I understand, guilt
It has him by the neck

For me, I can't understand how I ended up a side
Even just for a moment
How I got here
Perhaps the pain of mine past
That has so set in my heart
Maketh way out for the world to see?
Perhaps the healing I thought I had is not quite there?
My wounds are still bare
Perhaps I am broken and never quite healed?

I dont know
I can't say why I am here
All I can say is this,
I am sorry.

You are beautiful
I had what's yours
Tasted what isn't mine to have

Giving myself to myself

Giving myself the chance to be all that I can be

His name is Ryan. My little-big King

What I am into:

I sum it up into these 3: character, vision & health.

As a whole, I lead a very quiet & simple life, so I like simplicity & quietness of life  in the people I go out with.

Character: I am very atrracted to kindness, man! I believe it's rooted in character. Someone who stands for something, lives beyond themselves, and is fuelled by a heart for people. The person believes they can change the world & they dare do it

Vision: I like certainty, security & comfort. So it's important to me that I meet someone who has vision. This means they should be able to articulate where they are now and where they want be, and more importantly to me, where I fit in into all of it.
Because my primary love languages are presence & words of affirmation, I am predominantly a communicator. I like to know know where I stand with someone, so often I struggle to "read" actions cause I can't distinguish whether they were done with romance or friendship in mind. I like the comfort of clarity. I therefore have preference for people that say what they want, mean what they say, and match words with actions.  I've found myself in situationships where I was both wondering & wandering, and I don't like it.

Vision also speaks to someone who has the smarts to challenge my views & mannerisms with the intent to grow me. I think relationships should create a space where I can critique bae (with love) and even offer him advice about his business without him feeling any less of a man. Unfortunately, culture is that bae should be invincible. Reality is that we are a team.

Health: Not quite abs & all, but there's nothing more attractive than someone who takes care of themself, smells good, understands that health is wealth. I have lumps and bumps but I'm putting in the effort to get toned and active, and I'd enjoy someone like that. It's the effort that's beautiful, and that goes for everything, you know, the effort even when you are busy, things like remebering that I have an exam or that I am flying out of town for a bit and sending me a text to wish me well, or a surprise text during the day requiring me to smile. Effort is everything.

Yeah, this is what I normally go for

The Love way

For me, there's something different & beautiful about initiating the conversation to gauge what your person wants & requires of you, it's like the FNB slogan: HOW CAN WE HELP YOU. That's the love thing, the love way.

The love experience is so much more special when you don't feel like you always have to hussle your way to get bae to do what you want, but bae creates a platform for you to whisper your needs in safety. This is so beautiful, and can be rewarding when both people ask, listen and do (within reason).

Relationships shouldn't be wholy about getting, but mostly about giving & teaming.  We ought to be whole by ourselves, and more powerful together.

When we both put in the effort, a loveship will not feel laborious, instead it will just work. Effort becomes natural. Giving eases in and words are matched with actions.

We spend so much time trying to get and get, and wanting the right fit for us. Yet there's something remarkably beautiful about being to others what we want for ourselves. In this way, we are able to attract to ourselves what we really want. Because in the end, we reap what we've sown.

Feels: One for the friend

Kindness,' kno who u are
Kindness, it's who u are
' kno I make changes to your dial name on a reg,
Yeah u put up
Often need'a remind myself that u are not mine
Still yeah u remain
So I found a name for ya

Kindness;
Thank u for the dinners
The morning chats
Thoughtful apologies
The book & the business card
Your eagerness for adventure
For showing

Your:
Brown eyes
Beard game (so sax)
Light skin
Patience so clear

Your name is kindness

4:19

Ours is a world where everyone wants to enjoy being special to someone, but rarely does anyone ever aspire to make someone else feel special to them.

I hope I am to my friends, the hope and beauty and love, they are to me. I hope they each, indiviually feel unique & special to me.

Shame & Love

Ever felt shame cover your spirit & heart?
Shame so thick, you could cut through it
Shame & pain
The pain of adding salt & lemon to an open wound
Yet you were in love?
It's not quite anxiety or fear
But shame
Shame of loving & the risk of not being loved back
The shame of loving just a bit more
Embarrassed by how much you care
And how much they come to mind
And how much you talk about them
Shame
So ashamed

This!

Last night my emotions were all over the place, and it took a drive through McDs for a McFlurry to make it all better. It was THIS kind gesture by a stranger, now friend, that brought me back up. He drove out of his way, gave ear. Out of his mouth flowed honest timely wisdom & love truths. " Nothing beats communication ",he said.

When you find love, whichever type,
When you do eventually find love
Cause he walks into our lives in varying ways.
Man, grab it by all of you, love it, nurture it and enjoy it. And never let it go. 'Cause it is this love, whichever type, that will go out of his way, get you ice cream, listen. And by just being there, give you.

Thabo, friend. I celebrate you. Thank you.

Reality check #9

Ready to be the best version of myself

Reality check #8

We chase shadows
Missing the real thing that's here in our present hour
Why is it that we miss the people that really care and chase after those who couldn't be bothered?
Is it human nature?
Complete foolishness I'll say

Reality check #7

Gotta stop waiting for other people to show me
I deserve it
I can give it
I'm worth it
I am love

Okay being me

There have been times when I wished and wanted to be someone else.
Be other people.
They seem to have it good.
But I'm okay being me.
This thing, life, you grab by the horns and make your own.
Here's to making myself proud!

My hope

You are everything and more
My confidante and best friend
My left and right
The one who completes my songs & sings them along as their own, too
My calm place and home of restful adventure
My partner in the dance of life
My co-host
The secret ingredient to the stew of my life
My lover and sometimes, only sometimes, reason for my frustration
The one who tickles me with word and deed
My fan
My team
A beautifully themed background song to my life
My Neo
You are everything and more.

I love you. I appreciate you. I celebrate you. Thank you for the  gift of friendship.

My hope is that I may be as much to you as you are to me

<3

On the grind

Been working some typa overtime this week. I really enjoy it.

Reality check #6

We become the things we habitually complain about

Snails & e-mails

If there's anything you should know about me; it's that I love letters and long, very long catch up emails. It's weird I know, but I derive so much pleasure from reading. I've always imagined myself having a friend (or lover - whatever tickles your fancy) from the far far away lands, and reading from them whilst listening to the beat of the rain and enjoying a pot of tea. So you can imagine my eager excitement when I received a pseudo-mail, okay- it wasn't in the exact conditions as my preferences above. It was a long Whatsapp text from my varsity 'lover', friend of note, Nambian - Nubian Queen: Monica. In my view, this message is the equivalent of a perfect mail worth framing. I resonated so much with her experiences.

Here it goes:

" Greetings my dear friend in distant lands. I hope you are well. I'm good. Trying to find  balance. Having recently started working and getting my share of "big money", I'm learning how to balance between spending and saving. Sometimes I tell myself that 4 all the 8-5 I need a reward n I do some reckless spending all in the name of "because I can". There r times when I decide to just save up for some big dream (aka renovate or rather rebuild my grandparents house). I'm learning when to voice my thoughts at work n when the things that go on in my head should remain just that, thoughts. Most people say I come of as rude I'm learning when to not mince my words n when to be a straight shooter😁. I'm learning patience, baby steps. I wanted big money big house big car in the now. Quickly learning that apart from the fact that things don't happen as fast as we want them to, I should stay in my lane n stick to what I can afford. Friend, dreams delayed are not dreams denied aka Leonardo 😂. Love, I'm learning is complicated. I'm always thinking of one thing, how do I know this is right? I try to not think about love, maybe that way I won't be struck by arrows. I'm furnishing my little place, it's taking long, snail pace but I'm sure it will look pretty when I'm done with it. I miss you. I hope you being ur bubbly self. N like me, you learning 🙂🙃🙂"

I'm back. Theme: celebrating life

We keep going around in circles until WE choose to learn and move forth. Life is a celebration.