HOW- I WANNA GET BETTER

For me, it is no longer enough to know why I am doing things,
Like why I am binge eating cause I am stressed, or why I'm eating wheat based products, being fully aware of the implications for someone who has celiac disease, however still doing it anyway 'cause well, "there's something going in in my life and I simply refuse to address it. "

Yey to me for getting this far and understanding WHY I do what I do. Why I 'harm' myself, and why sometimes it seems I am even sabotaging myself by being lazy & disrespectful of authority.
It doesn't interest me anymore, the why. Yes, it's tremendous progress to be able to reflect deeply and identify patterns, but for me, I think the biggest deal should be the HOW.
HOW do I become better?
HOW do I change?
HOW do I move forward to the person I've always aspired to be?

Aspirations are like big shoes and big clothes that we are growing into. That's why the HOW is so important to me. If  I get stuck at the why, I'll keep making excuses for resisting growth and not doing better.

A friend I hadn't chatted to in a while recently wrote back to me following my very emotional, very reminiscent " I miss you " message, one of the biggest things he said to me was " I hope you are taking care of yourself ". A seemingly simple line in a text one may think, yet I wonder  if really I am taking care of myself.

The HOW

The night they shot me & you died

And just like that, in one moment, my greatest love story was taken from me
Yet, cause Of your sacrifice, I know they may have stolen the book, but the timeless theme Of love remains.

I watched tonight as you left your body,
For a moment I felt myself lost in time
Your blood gushing out
My hands trying to keep you alive
And even in your last moments you were still the greatest
You assured me of your love
I now know.
You showed me your love when you took those bullets for me
When you intentionally died to save me.
I could kill you myself, you know.
You've left me here to face the pain of life without you.

8 years feel like a small breath.
Now you'll only be a story,
My kids will never meet you
Your grandchildren never know you,
If I could sell everything to have you back
My love
Your smell & smile
Your touch

How do I go on?
How do I laugh again?
How do I live?

These days I just sit here
No words,
I can't go anywhere in the world
Every place has traces of you
You are my every place

I miss you
I love you
I mourn you

It's hard to accept that I won't see yoi again, for the longest time.
Life has knocked me out Ry,
I don't know how to get up without you

Your mom is everything.
She's been so strong for us
Michelle is here.
I appreciate them.
My fam prays with me.
But nothing can heal me from your absence.

How can the one be around for a short while?
My one
My tragedy
I miss you

Righteousness

Your love makes me right
Not my strength
Not my might or efforts
But Your love

Year in,
Year out Lord
I experience kindness & grace
Favor unmatched
Mercy underserved
And every single time
I realise that I wanna be right

Your love
It's qualities
It's quality
Produces right in me

Lost my senzes

He's beautiful
I took his
You are beautiful
I took yours
I enjoyed yours

On a wet winter's night
A Thursday of August
A warm evening
I had your food
Sat in your space
Took your place
Danced to his tune
As I lay in his lair

I see why you love him
I can't understand how he loves you
I don't know how I got here
It was supper with a friend
Now on his lips I find mine
Fully knowing he's not mine to have

He is yours
I tasted yours
Took of bite not meant for me

In the morning I see his guilt
The lovingness of yesternight is now a form of war & aggression
I am lost
Then I understand, guilt
It has him by the neck

For me, I can't understand how I ended up a side
Even just for a moment
How I got here
Perhaps the pain of mine past
That has so set in my heart
Maketh way out for the world to see?
Perhaps the healing I thought I had is not quite there?
My wounds are still bare
Perhaps I am broken and never quite healed?

I dont know
I can't say why I am here
All I can say is this,
I am sorry.

You are beautiful
I had what's yours
Tasted what isn't mine to have

Giving myself to myself

Giving myself the chance to be all that I can be

His name is Ryan. My little-big King

What I am into:

I sum it up into these 3: character, vision & health.

As a whole, I lead a very quiet & simple life, so I like simplicity & quietness of life  in the people I go out with.

Character: I am very atrracted to kindness, man! I believe it's rooted in character. Someone who stands for something, lives beyond themselves, and is fuelled by a heart for people. The person believes they can change the world & they dare do it

Vision: I like certainty, security & comfort. So it's important to me that I meet someone who has vision. This means they should be able to articulate where they are now and where they want be, and more importantly to me, where I fit in into all of it.
Because my primary love languages are presence & words of affirmation, I am predominantly a communicator. I like to know know where I stand with someone, so often I struggle to "read" actions cause I can't distinguish whether they were done with romance or friendship in mind. I like the comfort of clarity. I therefore have preference for people that say what they want, mean what they say, and match words with actions.  I've found myself in situationships where I was both wondering & wandering, and I don't like it.

Vision also speaks to someone who has the smarts to challenge my views & mannerisms with the intent to grow me. I think relationships should create a space where I can critique bae (with love) and even offer him advice about his business without him feeling any less of a man. Unfortunately, culture is that bae should be invincible. Reality is that we are a team.

Health: Not quite abs & all, but there's nothing more attractive than someone who takes care of themself, smells good, understands that health is wealth. I have lumps and bumps but I'm putting in the effort to get toned and active, and I'd enjoy someone like that. It's the effort that's beautiful, and that goes for everything, you know, the effort even when you are busy, things like remebering that I have an exam or that I am flying out of town for a bit and sending me a text to wish me well, or a surprise text during the day requiring me to smile. Effort is everything.

Yeah, this is what I normally go for