Emo about Tshego's departure

My heart is grieved! Can't believe I feel so emo, I guess its the uneasiness of knowing that I can't bang down your door anymore and force my way in for a chat about boys and nothingness, or drag you to PNP in your pjs, or tell you how much I need a friend when really I just want chicken wings. I'm uncomfortable by how i'll probs not see u dance to my fusion of gospel and Beyonce for the next few months, Or have you sing along to a song we both know very well that YOU don't know. I'm gonna miss how creepy clean your room and well folded your blankies were, even when you are laying within them.

Miss u
Xx

Reality check #5

I know why lovers get hurt, it's because they  hold their partner to a different standard. Whether that's right or wrong, I don't know.

Reality check #4

If there's anything I've learnt over and over, it's to be clear with what I want. Otherwise I'll waste my time. Take for example this evening, early this semester (around June) I started casting my employment net wide because well I felt a look little anxious about next year, I began applying everywhere in hope of just getting something- you know security. I applied also for consulting, although I knew very well that the field intimidated me and quite frankly at this point in my walk I know very well that I wouldn't be any good, so this evening I had to take one of those online tests for one of the companies. Mind you, I've written similar tests before, on the same online platform actually, but this evening, this evening my heart was not into it. I know I don't wanna work for this company. But I wasted a good hour prepping. You know desperation is a dangerous place. I refuse to function from that place any further. From now on I'm gonna apply for opportunities that genuinely interest me, don't get me wrong, I'll also apply for opportunities that are means to an end, but even these must genuinely interest me. If nothing works out at the end of this year I'd happily return home and start a spaza shop or find something to do. But I don't wanna be stuck, frustrated in a job, so I refuse to settle.

Reality Check #3

And I have felt many things, many ways, but death is by far the most confusing of all. I am pained by the loss, grateful to be alive, inspired to treasure life, and despaired by the flashing  memories and the words left unsaid. Indeed, death is by far the most confusing of all the emotions I have felt.

26 Sept 2015

Reality check #2

You can't cry for what you  don't want

Reality Check #1

I guess for me it's just the idea that you are no longer special to someone you loved dearly.

After a fall you have no choice but to rise: things form again

Indeed after a fall there's no other way but to get up, things form again.

The past 2 months have not been my best, I've been my weakest. It's true that the condition of your heart is reflected in your life and space; everything seemed broken. Forget  all of that anyway. I'm doing good, in fact- better than good- I am great! It all has to do with the music. I can hear the music again, the lalala and the beats, they pulled me through. But honestly, time does heal even the deepest wounds- or maybe we think it does because well, like someone argued, we tend to forget the pain over time, so we are not really healed but detached from the hurt?

Anyway, I'm not trying to start that kinda conversation.

I've come to love Dionne Warwick in such a short space of time (but this is not new territory for me, look at my relationship history LOL), what a fantastic musician. This all began when I stumbled upon (by mistake) her 80/90s hit "that's what friends are for", I then went back in time to trace some of her earlier work, when I discovered " I'll never love this way again".

In this timeless masterpiece Dionne exclaims that a fool will lose tomorrow reaching back for yesterday, and claims with boldness and conviction that she won't turn back should her love go away, instead she'll stay in the moment and remember how good it's been, holding on to the good, 'cause 'I know I'll never love this way again.'
I guess these lyrics resonate with me.

I've done so much with myself since  I last wrote- I even watched Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (finally). I've always kinda missed it every time it was showing on the tellie, fortunately someone loaded it up on YouTube.

I'm doing good and that's all that matters. The only thing I have not been doing right is not spending sufficient time with myself, there was a time when I was avoiding just being with me so much cause I was scared of what I'd find out. I need myself. I choose myself over and over.

Things fall apart

Why are you falling apart?
I've fallen apart like this before at the face of rejection
Not like this!
I waited! I waited okay! You went on. Moving on with out me. Still I waited. You know I feel like a fool! How could I think you'd wait like I did for you? Over-loving again!
Love is strength.
Love is weakness
No
Yes! You are weak for someone. You always care. You wanna be there. Your heart is confused. It hurts cause of the void of not being able to love freely, and to see you receive that love. Nothing more than bondage. It hurts so bad.
I'm sorry.
How do I cope? How do I go on when it hurts so bad? Time has come and time has gone, How does it hurt so bad? Why does it feel like death? All of a sudden I miss the ones I've lost to eternity and it feels the same with you. I don't want you dead. Don't leave me here like a widow.
I know
It scares me to watch it all fall apart. Things fall apart. I ask myself if I'm obsessed and desperate. I know I'm not crazy. The words you spoke to me pierced. They still haunt me! Now I need to carry a gun in my heart to defend it. And I blame you! And I blame me for being a fool. I know I should have taken a gun for my heart the first time.
I'm sorry.
I let me down.
I'm sorry
Help me understand please
What?
How do you carry me in your spirit and just go on without me?
.....
How do you give to another what you gave to me?
......
How do I go on when you still have my heart?
....
Tell me

Ghosts

I'm not gonna be a ghost for you to compete with.

You deserve to be happy in peace.

And I'm not selfish

Hearts carry guns: sore bones and liberating letters to 3

I don't want you to break up with him for me
I want you to try it out with him, and if you do break up, I want it to be at your own accord. And if you do not break up I also want it to be at your own accord. I want you to be happy.

I want to respect your relationship. I won't ask you to leave him. This is unfair on him, you and me too. And you know I'm a man of principle.

I never really had you, though I did ever really love you.  In between sharing you with your feelings about your ex, I don't wanna be a rebound again and share you with memories of him.

So if you ever do break up, I don't want you to come running to me, though I'll probably still be waiting. I want you to take your time, I want you to think, and when you know for sure that you wanna get to know Thabang and you wanna try it out with him; I want you to call me. It won't be easy. I won't be easy (and I want you to know this cause  I'm a deeply complicated person and I tend to over think stuff). And I want you to tell me.

I don't want you to think that you can get it anytime, although maybe you could. But that would cause you to disrespect me. And I can't have that! I don't want you to think that I'm pathetically needy for you, although there were days I thought I was, I made it past those days; honey look at me! I don't want you to think I'm desperate for you, I just want you to know that I struggle to understand how people can easily give their hearts to another when they had also given it to one before. And you carry my heart cause of the words you spoke to me. 

I just want you to know that you are loved and you are a good thing.

So I don't want you to choose me cause of all the pressures, and without having had other experiences. I want you to choose me, if and when after those experiences you know for certain that I'm your best option, and that you are mine too.

Bites and marks

Every kiss has its own taste,
It may be sweet or bland.
Its the words of kindness that someone speaks to you that impact on how they taste.
If he's never showered your heart with words of kindness
Or made you laugh hysterically
You may not enjoy his bite.
But if he has, and dare you look into his eyes
Oh boy into a love trance shall you fall.
For within the eyes are the mysteries of one's heart.
And soon the complications and contractions of thine heart too

Mood

Mood

Losing my grip

" The corridors of the Leslie Commerce building have given me such great joy, I have laughed and cried, even felt sometimes, the walls caving in. I'll be eternally grateful for the experiences I've had and the people I've met here. "

I've read stories about stars who have left shows at the height of the show's success. Amidst great adoration from lovely fans they felt themselves strongly faced with the challenge of choosing between growth and comfort.

Such an uncomfortable place to be in.

I recently found myself in the same space, caught between staying and going. It has been an interesting 4-stretching-yet-amazing years at UCT. I've had more opportunities to follow my heart than many.

The complexity in growing up lies in having to leave one's comfort zone, and trusting the journey ahead though for the moment you can't see anything. It is daunting, especially when you'd like the security of an income and the comfort of knowing that you are somewhat competent; yet exciting in a mysterious kind of way, this opportunity to start over and learn anew.

Almost 3 years into tutoring, 9 groups of students later, I know for sure that teaching is my calling. For the past couple of  weeks I have been bugging my deputy Head of Department to consider making me an academic trainee in 2016, despite the fact that at the moment students on my program are not eligible to apply.  This Monday I waltzed into his office offering a description of the duties I could undertake should he hire me. What he said to me next changed my life. He asked if hiring me would be aligned with where I want to go, my growth and what I want to do.

For the greatest time now I had been avoiding this question. I live from my spirit you see, I'm a heart driven person (unless it's in my heart I'll probably not do it). Had he asked me this question a year or 2 ago my answer would have been a straight 'yes', but for the past while my heart has been heavy, wanting to move  on (to grow), at the same time burdened with the responsibilities of helping out at home which require financial security. It has been a war with passion and growth. Not to say that I don't want to teach anymore, but that for the moment I sense strongly that I need to hone that skill by acquiring experiences outside university.

Cape Town for me has represented a step towards my dreams, when all I had ever known was my shack of a home, and the mountains in the far distance around us, and the images on the tellie that fueled  my dreams. I can see why I've wanted to maintain my grip on UCT. Even scarier than admitting to yourself that a certain environment will not grow you anymore ( or for the moment) is not knowing what your next journey is or will be.

I am enjoying what I'm studying at the moment. I'm just not sure where I'll end up with it. I know what my end goal is, I just need to think around my strategy to getting there, and pray. I've seen people go through the devastating motions, you know: go to school, find a job,  get married (if you are lucky ), live miserably (without any hope or purpose)and die.

I don't want that life for myself! There must be more. I want to keep my dreams. I want to live my dreams.

This is the fight. There's got to be more.

The corridors of the Leslie Commerce building have given me such great joy, I have laughed and cried, even felt, sometimes, the walls caving in. I'll be eternally grateful for the experiences I've had and the people I've met here. For now though I journey towards self discovery.

Accounting framework

In accounting we have a Framework, a place of return when navigating your way through an event or transaction seems clouded. I believe it should be the same with our lives. When we are faced with a decision or we have to 'account' for an event in our lives we need some place of reference on which our values and the basis on which our lives, behaviors and attitude are founded.

We need to remind ourselves why we started.

Munich

I saw this ad a couple of years ago, it changed my life, fuelled my dreams. To this day it remains one of my absolute favorites. For some strange reason I thought I saw Munich, Germany not Hamburg.

https://youtu.be/J0c0BsdhxsU