School's out

I hate packing - okay I haven't even started yet.  This time of the year really saddens me, you know, just how my whole life can fit in a box :(. This year is particularly strange, school's officially out - atleast for a while.
I'm saying goodbye to familiar faces, the Monikas, Sydneys, Katlegos and the very many I've come to love deeply. At the moment there's no definite idea of where I'll be in 2016, but I'm trusting God.
You know how emo I am. I can hear the silence. I see the people leaving, and even though I never knew many personally, I  do note their departure. I had so gotten used to their familiar stranger faces that the idea of not seeing them anymore seems kinda sad.. I wish them well. We were a community of strangers, us. Strangers going about their business.
I am a memory and scent person. I hold on to the feelings and scent associated with a memory, and seeing these, my fellow strangers, going, arouses memories about our short times together, and how in some strange way, they contributed to my experience.
I bid them well.

The dawn of his death

I remember the dawn of his death.
The night before we lay restless in bed as though knowing in our inner being that the day's visit had been our last.
On that day when we visited he was a different man, having suddenly grown old in a few days. As though knowing that he stood at death's door, he could not face us his loved ones. And so he went outside his ward, sneakily smoking his last with the friends that had come with.
With a mother's intuition, perhaps a lover's, my mother knew something wasn't right. He just wasn't himself.
So that dawn as we lay restless, I heard the phone ring. I knew. Then I heard her go outside. She was gone for a while. I'm sure she went to cry. I admire her for not breaking down in front of us, it would have caused us more pain.
And so I watched as her smile faded with time, and her laughter with the sunsets. And I prayed that she'd be healed and find her joy again.

Will always love u

One of those days when I miss you
Realized on Monday that i'll never open myself up to anyone like I did to you.
I love you
Can't say I 'loved' you
God taught me that love stands forever. It never fails and never ends. Yes I'll meet others, love others, but my love for you will remain the same. I may be drawn to think it has faded with time as I'm left separated from you, but when you do tap into my love again, if you ever do; It'll bounce back up, feelings rushing back like gushing streams.

Rest assured, I will always love you

Emo about Tshego's departure

My heart is grieved! Can't believe I feel so emo, I guess its the uneasiness of knowing that I can't bang down your door anymore and force my way in for a chat about boys and nothingness, or drag you to PNP in your pjs, or tell you how much I need a friend when really I just want chicken wings. I'm uncomfortable by how i'll probs not see u dance to my fusion of gospel and Beyonce for the next few months, Or have you sing along to a song we both know very well that YOU don't know. I'm gonna miss how creepy clean your room and well folded your blankies were, even when you are laying within them.

Miss u
Xx

Reality check #5

I know why lovers get hurt, it's because they  hold their partner to a different standard. Whether that's right or wrong, I don't know.

Reality check #4

If there's anything I've learnt over and over, it's to be clear with what I want. Otherwise I'll waste my time. Take for example this evening, early this semester (around June) I started casting my employment net wide because well I felt a look little anxious about next year, I began applying everywhere in hope of just getting something- you know security. I applied also for consulting, although I knew very well that the field intimidated me and quite frankly at this point in my walk I know very well that I wouldn't be any good, so this evening I had to take one of those online tests for one of the companies. Mind you, I've written similar tests before, on the same online platform actually, but this evening, this evening my heart was not into it. I know I don't wanna work for this company. But I wasted a good hour prepping. You know desperation is a dangerous place. I refuse to function from that place any further. From now on I'm gonna apply for opportunities that genuinely interest me, don't get me wrong, I'll also apply for opportunities that are means to an end, but even these must genuinely interest me. If nothing works out at the end of this year I'd happily return home and start a spaza shop or find something to do. But I don't wanna be stuck, frustrated in a job, so I refuse to settle.

Reality Check #3

And I have felt many things, many ways, but death is by far the most confusing of all. I am pained by the loss, grateful to be alive, inspired to treasure life, and despaired by the flashing  memories and the words left unsaid. Indeed, death is by far the most confusing of all the emotions I have felt.

26 Sept 2015

Reality check #2

You can't cry for what you  don't want

Reality Check #1

I guess for me it's just the idea that you are no longer special to someone you loved dearly.

After a fall you have no choice but to rise: things form again

Indeed after a fall there's no other way but to get up, things form again.

The past 2 months have not been my best, I've been my weakest. It's true that the condition of your heart is reflected in your life and space; everything seemed broken. Forget  all of that anyway. I'm doing good, in fact- better than good- I am great! It all has to do with the music. I can hear the music again, the lalala and the beats, they pulled me through. But honestly, time does heal even the deepest wounds- or maybe we think it does because well, like someone argued, we tend to forget the pain over time, so we are not really healed but detached from the hurt?

Anyway, I'm not trying to start that kinda conversation.

I've come to love Dionne Warwick in such a short space of time (but this is not new territory for me, look at my relationship history LOL), what a fantastic musician. This all began when I stumbled upon (by mistake) her 80/90s hit "that's what friends are for", I then went back in time to trace some of her earlier work, when I discovered " I'll never love this way again".

In this timeless masterpiece Dionne exclaims that a fool will lose tomorrow reaching back for yesterday, and claims with boldness and conviction that she won't turn back should her love go away, instead she'll stay in the moment and remember how good it's been, holding on to the good, 'cause 'I know I'll never love this way again.'
I guess these lyrics resonate with me.

I've done so much with myself since  I last wrote- I even watched Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (finally). I've always kinda missed it every time it was showing on the tellie, fortunately someone loaded it up on YouTube.

I'm doing good and that's all that matters. The only thing I have not been doing right is not spending sufficient time with myself, there was a time when I was avoiding just being with me so much cause I was scared of what I'd find out. I need myself. I choose myself over and over.

Things fall apart

Why are you falling apart?
I've fallen apart like this before at the face of rejection
Not like this!
I waited! I waited okay! You went on. Moving on with out me. Still I waited. You know I feel like a fool! How could I think you'd wait like I did for you? Over-loving again!
Love is strength.
Love is weakness
No
Yes! You are weak for someone. You always care. You wanna be there. Your heart is confused. It hurts cause of the void of not being able to love freely, and to see you receive that love. Nothing more than bondage. It hurts so bad.
I'm sorry.
How do I cope? How do I go on when it hurts so bad? Time has come and time has gone, How does it hurt so bad? Why does it feel like death? All of a sudden I miss the ones I've lost to eternity and it feels the same with you. I don't want you dead. Don't leave me here like a widow.
I know
It scares me to watch it all fall apart. Things fall apart. I ask myself if I'm obsessed and desperate. I know I'm not crazy. The words you spoke to me pierced. They still haunt me! Now I need to carry a gun in my heart to defend it. And I blame you! And I blame me for being a fool. I know I should have taken a gun for my heart the first time.
I'm sorry.
I let me down.
I'm sorry
Help me understand please
What?
How do you carry me in your spirit and just go on without me?
.....
How do you give to another what you gave to me?
......
How do I go on when you still have my heart?
....
Tell me

Ghosts

I'm not gonna be a ghost for you to compete with.

You deserve to be happy in peace.

And I'm not selfish

Hearts carry guns: sore bones and liberating letters to 3

I don't want you to break up with him for me
I want you to try it out with him, and if you do break up, I want it to be at your own accord. And if you do not break up I also want it to be at your own accord. I want you to be happy.

I want to respect your relationship. I won't ask you to leave him. This is unfair on him, you and me too. And you know I'm a man of principle.

I never really had you, though I did ever really love you.  In between sharing you with your feelings about your ex, I don't wanna be a rebound again and share you with memories of him.

So if you ever do break up, I don't want you to come running to me, though I'll probably still be waiting. I want you to take your time, I want you to think, and when you know for sure that you wanna get to know Thabang and you wanna try it out with him; I want you to call me. It won't be easy. I won't be easy (and I want you to know this cause  I'm a deeply complicated person and I tend to over think stuff). And I want you to tell me.

I don't want you to think that you can get it anytime, although maybe you could. But that would cause you to disrespect me. And I can't have that! I don't want you to think that I'm pathetically needy for you, although there were days I thought I was, I made it past those days; honey look at me! I don't want you to think I'm desperate for you, I just want you to know that I struggle to understand how people can easily give their hearts to another when they had also given it to one before. And you carry my heart cause of the words you spoke to me. 

I just want you to know that you are loved and you are a good thing.

So I don't want you to choose me cause of all the pressures, and without having had other experiences. I want you to choose me, if and when after those experiences you know for certain that I'm your best option, and that you are mine too.

Bites and marks

Every kiss has its own taste,
It may be sweet or bland.
Its the words of kindness that someone speaks to you that impact on how they taste.
If he's never showered your heart with words of kindness
Or made you laugh hysterically
You may not enjoy his bite.
But if he has, and dare you look into his eyes
Oh boy into a love trance shall you fall.
For within the eyes are the mysteries of one's heart.
And soon the complications and contractions of thine heart too

Mood

Mood

Losing my grip

" The corridors of the Leslie Commerce building have given me such great joy, I have laughed and cried, even felt sometimes, the walls caving in. I'll be eternally grateful for the experiences I've had and the people I've met here. "

I've read stories about stars who have left shows at the height of the show's success. Amidst great adoration from lovely fans they felt themselves strongly faced with the challenge of choosing between growth and comfort.

Such an uncomfortable place to be in.

I recently found myself in the same space, caught between staying and going. It has been an interesting 4-stretching-yet-amazing years at UCT. I've had more opportunities to follow my heart than many.

The complexity in growing up lies in having to leave one's comfort zone, and trusting the journey ahead though for the moment you can't see anything. It is daunting, especially when you'd like the security of an income and the comfort of knowing that you are somewhat competent; yet exciting in a mysterious kind of way, this opportunity to start over and learn anew.

Almost 3 years into tutoring, 9 groups of students later, I know for sure that teaching is my calling. For the past couple of  weeks I have been bugging my deputy Head of Department to consider making me an academic trainee in 2016, despite the fact that at the moment students on my program are not eligible to apply.  This Monday I waltzed into his office offering a description of the duties I could undertake should he hire me. What he said to me next changed my life. He asked if hiring me would be aligned with where I want to go, my growth and what I want to do.

For the greatest time now I had been avoiding this question. I live from my spirit you see, I'm a heart driven person (unless it's in my heart I'll probably not do it). Had he asked me this question a year or 2 ago my answer would have been a straight 'yes', but for the past while my heart has been heavy, wanting to move  on (to grow), at the same time burdened with the responsibilities of helping out at home which require financial security. It has been a war with passion and growth. Not to say that I don't want to teach anymore, but that for the moment I sense strongly that I need to hone that skill by acquiring experiences outside university.

Cape Town for me has represented a step towards my dreams, when all I had ever known was my shack of a home, and the mountains in the far distance around us, and the images on the tellie that fueled  my dreams. I can see why I've wanted to maintain my grip on UCT. Even scarier than admitting to yourself that a certain environment will not grow you anymore ( or for the moment) is not knowing what your next journey is or will be.

I am enjoying what I'm studying at the moment. I'm just not sure where I'll end up with it. I know what my end goal is, I just need to think around my strategy to getting there, and pray. I've seen people go through the devastating motions, you know: go to school, find a job,  get married (if you are lucky ), live miserably (without any hope or purpose)and die.

I don't want that life for myself! There must be more. I want to keep my dreams. I want to live my dreams.

This is the fight. There's got to be more.

The corridors of the Leslie Commerce building have given me such great joy, I have laughed and cried, even felt, sometimes, the walls caving in. I'll be eternally grateful for the experiences I've had and the people I've met here. For now though I journey towards self discovery.

Accounting framework

In accounting we have a Framework, a place of return when navigating your way through an event or transaction seems clouded. I believe it should be the same with our lives. When we are faced with a decision or we have to 'account' for an event in our lives we need some place of reference on which our values and the basis on which our lives, behaviors and attitude are founded.

We need to remind ourselves why we started.

Munich

I saw this ad a couple of years ago, it changed my life, fuelled my dreams. To this day it remains one of my absolute favorites. For some strange reason I thought I saw Munich, Germany not Hamburg.

https://youtu.be/J0c0BsdhxsU

Phil 1:23

23 But I am hard pressed between the two. My yearning desire is to depart (to be free of this world, to set forth) and be with Christ, for that is far, far better.

Building castles, living in mansions: all in the power of the mind

We live within our own limits. What pleasure to know that we can break down this walls and walk beyond these bounds.

God gives dreams much bigger than our place of birth, but if we are caught up in what was and has and we burden ourselves with the lives of others, slowly we will feel the chains of the burdens pull us down and close us in.

Living within the bounds of our own limits.

Save the hero

Validation.

Human beings, we all need validation.
To us all it comes in varying ways. To some it is in getting perpetual affirmation, to others in material things. For me I guess its always been in  be able to confidently rest in the security of love. To know that I know that I know that I'm loved. The depths of love that casts away fear.

I spent the last 3 hours with some of my favorite people in the world. We have grown so different in the past 2 and a half years, their personalities more alike, their aspirations too I assume.

I have always been the 'motherly' 'place of return in times of trouble' one and them, careless (in the best of ways) and carefree. I admire them. And I love them deeply. Times with them always make me feel like a 'hip and happening' parent trying to keep up with their teenage kids.

The last 3 hours have persuaded me to consider whether I'm enjoying life, or if I'm watching it go by, missing out without any form of risk taking. This brings me back to the issue of yesterday's post: deciding on my person that I want to be. Do I want to be free spirited, grabbing life by its horns, or do I want to be who I think I need to be (is this person even really me?)?. Whoever I choose, I will have to live with and live out - consistently.

Frustration.

Varisty has been the most strenuous time of my life. I miss being 17 and thinking that I know who I am and what I want. Being 22- knowing what you want today and changing your mind tomorrow.

I think suicide is cowardice. In my opinion it is not having the strength to decide what you want and being it. Instead it is deciding to pull the plug on life or choose the "GAME OVER" option. I'm not thinking about it. There were days when I could completely relate to why anyone would decide to do it. Sometimes I'm convicted about its selfishness. Other times I think perhaps the pain one has borne supersedes (in their mind) the pain they think others will have to deal with in their absence.

I do not think the world realizes what young people go through. Choosing between what you see and deal with every day versus what you think is right vs what you want for yourself vs your faith. It is a lot to consider. I admire the people that have chosen to be whatever they are, least for them a choice has been made, whatever the consequences. Nothing more frustrating than a double-minded man. Nothing more frustrating than feeling lukewarm.

God help me.

Seeing things through

I probably shouldn't still be up, its 02h41 and I have a Finance test at 09h00. Its raining here and my thoughts are as loud as the storm and the echo of its large raindrops heard outside my window.

It's been a crazy year, a testing year. I feel now more distant to God than I've ever felt before. I haven't been doing what I need to be doing - in order to grow strong, a man must eat the right food. I haven't been eating much, or doing much good so to speak. There's so much discontentment. And unfortunately I don't think its the type associated with wanderlust, easily healed by packing up one's bags. Its different.

I think I  know what it is. Any friend that's had the pleasure of asking me where I am in life will tell you that I've continually said: " my entire life and God is screaming 'consistency' ". I'll admit I am guilty of having a short attention/interest span, however, I do see it catching up with me.

At the moment I think its about figuring out ... okay - "figuring out" is sugarcoating it, I need to decide who and what I want , as well as the kind of person I want to be, then stick to it. About a month ago I found myself questioning some of my values, they had nothing to do with my integrity but more to do with my ideas of sex and where and when it fits into a relationship. My mind has been plagued with all things sexual, it feels like I've been in multiple relationships, although I've only had one.

I am not in a good mental space and this is a thorn in my flesh.

I recently listened to an audio book by renown author and transformation specialist: Robin Sharma, which alluded to regaining control over one's mind, something I'm deeply convinced of, as it roots (in my view) from the writings of the Christian faith.

The effects of having little control over one's mind are easily translated into their habits, words and choices. I feel and see myself changing and I don't like it. I don't like the state of my mind and the person it is shaping.

I wanna change it. I'm going to change it.

So this afternoon after my test I'm going to sit myself down, chat to myself (without any distractions) and decide with myself what I want and who I want to be.

Mental health is just as important.

The thing about birthdays

I'm taking a study break as I type this ( I do take a lot of these - don't judge, which student doesn't?).

My life is about to go crazy in the next couple of days, being involved in marking 2 exams, working on a translation project, reception work, school work (2 exams and assignment due at the end of the semester vacation) , life work. But I love it! I really do. It's interesting to me that I've always wanted to be a busy bee- to schedule people in. And this year I've had the most wonderful opportunity of doing just that: managing my own diary.

My birthday is coming in a couple of days. I hate this time of the year. Makes me so uncomfortable. I don't talk about it very much, this in fact is the first time I've written about it before. A lot goes on in my mind.

I feel like I have this big alter-ego on the inside in my mind who cares about his birthday, who wants everyone to remember and to show up and to call and all that jazz, yet on the outside I feel myself scared. A lot of people have forgotten before,  never called or showed up. It has never been a 'thing' my birthday and I think somewhat over the years I've become a little reserved about my expectations. These days I simply prefer having my phone off, kicking off my ugs and watching a movie alone. All the mushy and gooey messages make me feel all kinds of uncomfortable. Maybe because deep down I don't think I deserve to be appreciated? Or that such expressions of love are foreign territory (for me as a recipient)?. I don't know. All I know is that I can safely say that my birthday makes me uncomfortable and nowdays other people's birthdays make me uncomfortable too. I'd prefer not having to deal with them.

What's also interesting is that people think I'm a huge birthday person- well people do think a lot of things about me, much of which is unfounded. But a lot does go on in my mind and maybe I do give off that idea (seeing how last year I had a countdown to my birthday and constantly reminded 'everyone' as the day drew nearer). I think it was all an act. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'll never know.

There are 2 things I know for sure as I type here

1. This year I'm pretending that I lost my phone from two days before to two days after my birthday.

2. A lesson I learnt today: often we chase the people who aren't even the least interested in us, but if we stop, take a moment and look around (even just behind us) we will find all those people aggressively chasing us in love and these are the ones we must enjoy and let enjoy us.

Happy birthday Thabang Molapo

Dangerous eyes

I was like a little kid with a new toy
Moving your face from side to side
Right below your brows I discovered them
Your eyes
I found myself falling all the more deeper as I beheld them
Danger!
I saw things in them
Hidden secrets in them
More danger! 
I could feel my foot slip
My knees weakening
My heart giving way
So I ran to find a distraction
Your perfect complexion came to my aid
The glow of thine face

*silence*

But I could not escape it
The beauty of your coffee colored iris
Then I knew it:
I had fallen for you
Cause it was within your eyes that I saw you
*sigh*

When it pours my heart pours too

03 January 2015

I absolutely love the rain! I just love it when it rains. Witnessing this marvelous release by nature (or in our case- global warming) gives me such great pleasure. I'm overcome by these nostalgic chills.
I promise you, I want a two or three-storey house with glass everything, so I can watch. Like the king's watchmen, I can watch.

I'm not sure why I carry such strong feelings for the rain. Perhaps its the soothing sounds of large raindrops hitting the roof? Sounds that can give any child the most peaceful of sleeps. Or perhaps it's the idea of being able to blow my breath onto the window glass causing a  temporal misty surface where I can then draw hearts, and watch them slowly fade; like the great loves I've experienced. I'm not quite sure. Maybe the rain remains dear to me because it was during the rain days of my childhood that I could lay in bed and actively dream, wide awake. I would draw inspiration from the areas I had been to and the television content I had seen. I was very attentive when I went to Brits to shop with my grandma. I would also pay careful attention to the family settings on Generations. I would watch the white people, and what they ate. They seemed to always have it together. Oh there was a time when I wished I was adopted ... by a white family; 'cause in my young mind that would make everything better. I would have better exposure than I had otherwise had.

It is for this reason that I'm drawn to Cape Town winters, and why in the spring I'm tolerant of Pretoria. I love the roars of the thunderstorms. Dark clouds too. I even wanted to stay in England for a bit , just so I can spend my days adoring the dark gloomy clouds.
I have all these weird connections with nature you know. Like, I have this beautiful mountain in Pretoria that I love. I see it everywhere. It is just so long and beautiful. I've seen many mountains, but their beauty pales in comparison to that of this one. I also recall the first time I saw the living ocean. I was so mesmerized! A couple of weeks before that I had been longing for something, I couldn't pin point what, but I knew it was something remarkable. So when I finally witnessed the  ocean, from the depths of my spirit I could see myself entering the ocean waters and just walking, and walking. Walking the journey of forever. The kind of walking that we do on land. Not walking on water, but walking through and not drowning. I'd heard that the ocean gets pretty deep the further you go. Yet I didn't care. For me it would just be like walking. I think that experience spoke to my need to feel focused and undistracted.
Very weird right? Well, I'm weird.

The rain feels different lately. I attach it to different people. When I'm here in my mother's home and I look South Easterly towards Mabopane whilst it pours, my heart aches. I don't know the reason. It feels like I have forgotten someone that I ought to remember. Sometimes It feels like I have lost somebody who stays there. Yet, I can't seem to figure out who. I used to think it had something to do with Khumo, maybe sometimes it does. But I sometimes sense strongly that it has something to do with someone else. Someone I am missing deeply.

Or it could just be my adult self mourning being unable to enjoy the rain as much as my childhood self did.

I don't know.

I just know that I am missing someone or something and my heart aches