Mood

Mood

Losing my grip

" The corridors of the Leslie Commerce building have given me such great joy, I have laughed and cried, even felt sometimes, the walls caving in. I'll be eternally grateful for the experiences I've had and the people I've met here. "

I've read stories about stars who have left shows at the height of the show's success. Amidst great adoration from lovely fans they felt themselves strongly faced with the challenge of choosing between growth and comfort.

Such an uncomfortable place to be in.

I recently found myself in the same space, caught between staying and going. It has been an interesting 4-stretching-yet-amazing years at UCT. I've had more opportunities to follow my heart than many.

The complexity in growing up lies in having to leave one's comfort zone, and trusting the journey ahead though for the moment you can't see anything. It is daunting, especially when you'd like the security of an income and the comfort of knowing that you are somewhat competent; yet exciting in a mysterious kind of way, this opportunity to start over and learn anew.

Almost 3 years into tutoring, 9 groups of students later, I know for sure that teaching is my calling. For the past couple of  weeks I have been bugging my deputy Head of Department to consider making me an academic trainee in 2016, despite the fact that at the moment students on my program are not eligible to apply.  This Monday I waltzed into his office offering a description of the duties I could undertake should he hire me. What he said to me next changed my life. He asked if hiring me would be aligned with where I want to go, my growth and what I want to do.

For the greatest time now I had been avoiding this question. I live from my spirit you see, I'm a heart driven person (unless it's in my heart I'll probably not do it). Had he asked me this question a year or 2 ago my answer would have been a straight 'yes', but for the past while my heart has been heavy, wanting to move  on (to grow), at the same time burdened with the responsibilities of helping out at home which require financial security. It has been a war with passion and growth. Not to say that I don't want to teach anymore, but that for the moment I sense strongly that I need to hone that skill by acquiring experiences outside university.

Cape Town for me has represented a step towards my dreams, when all I had ever known was my shack of a home, and the mountains in the far distance around us, and the images on the tellie that fueled  my dreams. I can see why I've wanted to maintain my grip on UCT. Even scarier than admitting to yourself that a certain environment will not grow you anymore ( or for the moment) is not knowing what your next journey is or will be.

I am enjoying what I'm studying at the moment. I'm just not sure where I'll end up with it. I know what my end goal is, I just need to think around my strategy to getting there, and pray. I've seen people go through the devastating motions, you know: go to school, find a job,  get married (if you are lucky ), live miserably (without any hope or purpose)and die.

I don't want that life for myself! There must be more. I want to keep my dreams. I want to live my dreams.

This is the fight. There's got to be more.

The corridors of the Leslie Commerce building have given me such great joy, I have laughed and cried, even felt, sometimes, the walls caving in. I'll be eternally grateful for the experiences I've had and the people I've met here. For now though I journey towards self discovery.

Accounting framework

In accounting we have a Framework, a place of return when navigating your way through an event or transaction seems clouded. I believe it should be the same with our lives. When we are faced with a decision or we have to 'account' for an event in our lives we need some place of reference on which our values and the basis on which our lives, behaviors and attitude are founded.

We need to remind ourselves why we started.

Munich

I saw this ad a couple of years ago, it changed my life, fuelled my dreams. To this day it remains one of my absolute favorites. For some strange reason I thought I saw Munich, Germany not Hamburg.

https://youtu.be/J0c0BsdhxsU

Phil 1:23

23 But I am hard pressed between the two. My yearning desire is to depart (to be free of this world, to set forth) and be with Christ, for that is far, far better.

Building castles, living in mansions: all in the power of the mind

We live within our own limits. What pleasure to know that we can break down this walls and walk beyond these bounds.

God gives dreams much bigger than our place of birth, but if we are caught up in what was and has and we burden ourselves with the lives of others, slowly we will feel the chains of the burdens pull us down and close us in.

Living within the bounds of our own limits.

Save the hero

Validation.

Human beings, we all need validation.
To us all it comes in varying ways. To some it is in getting perpetual affirmation, to others in material things. For me I guess its always been in  be able to confidently rest in the security of love. To know that I know that I know that I'm loved. The depths of love that casts away fear.

I spent the last 3 hours with some of my favorite people in the world. We have grown so different in the past 2 and a half years, their personalities more alike, their aspirations too I assume.

I have always been the 'motherly' 'place of return in times of trouble' one and them, careless (in the best of ways) and carefree. I admire them. And I love them deeply. Times with them always make me feel like a 'hip and happening' parent trying to keep up with their teenage kids.

The last 3 hours have persuaded me to consider whether I'm enjoying life, or if I'm watching it go by, missing out without any form of risk taking. This brings me back to the issue of yesterday's post: deciding on my person that I want to be. Do I want to be free spirited, grabbing life by its horns, or do I want to be who I think I need to be (is this person even really me?)?. Whoever I choose, I will have to live with and live out - consistently.

Frustration.

Varisty has been the most strenuous time of my life. I miss being 17 and thinking that I know who I am and what I want. Being 22- knowing what you want today and changing your mind tomorrow.

I think suicide is cowardice. In my opinion it is not having the strength to decide what you want and being it. Instead it is deciding to pull the plug on life or choose the "GAME OVER" option. I'm not thinking about it. There were days when I could completely relate to why anyone would decide to do it. Sometimes I'm convicted about its selfishness. Other times I think perhaps the pain one has borne supersedes (in their mind) the pain they think others will have to deal with in their absence.

I do not think the world realizes what young people go through. Choosing between what you see and deal with every day versus what you think is right vs what you want for yourself vs your faith. It is a lot to consider. I admire the people that have chosen to be whatever they are, least for them a choice has been made, whatever the consequences. Nothing more frustrating than a double-minded man. Nothing more frustrating than feeling lukewarm.

God help me.

Seeing things through

I probably shouldn't still be up, its 02h41 and I have a Finance test at 09h00. Its raining here and my thoughts are as loud as the storm and the echo of its large raindrops heard outside my window.

It's been a crazy year, a testing year. I feel now more distant to God than I've ever felt before. I haven't been doing what I need to be doing - in order to grow strong, a man must eat the right food. I haven't been eating much, or doing much good so to speak. There's so much discontentment. And unfortunately I don't think its the type associated with wanderlust, easily healed by packing up one's bags. Its different.

I think I  know what it is. Any friend that's had the pleasure of asking me where I am in life will tell you that I've continually said: " my entire life and God is screaming 'consistency' ". I'll admit I am guilty of having a short attention/interest span, however, I do see it catching up with me.

At the moment I think its about figuring out ... okay - "figuring out" is sugarcoating it, I need to decide who and what I want , as well as the kind of person I want to be, then stick to it. About a month ago I found myself questioning some of my values, they had nothing to do with my integrity but more to do with my ideas of sex and where and when it fits into a relationship. My mind has been plagued with all things sexual, it feels like I've been in multiple relationships, although I've only had one.

I am not in a good mental space and this is a thorn in my flesh.

I recently listened to an audio book by renown author and transformation specialist: Robin Sharma, which alluded to regaining control over one's mind, something I'm deeply convinced of, as it roots (in my view) from the writings of the Christian faith.

The effects of having little control over one's mind are easily translated into their habits, words and choices. I feel and see myself changing and I don't like it. I don't like the state of my mind and the person it is shaping.

I wanna change it. I'm going to change it.

So this afternoon after my test I'm going to sit myself down, chat to myself (without any distractions) and decide with myself what I want and who I want to be.

Mental health is just as important.

The thing about birthdays

I'm taking a study break as I type this ( I do take a lot of these - don't judge, which student doesn't?).

My life is about to go crazy in the next couple of days, being involved in marking 2 exams, working on a translation project, reception work, school work (2 exams and assignment due at the end of the semester vacation) , life work. But I love it! I really do. It's interesting to me that I've always wanted to be a busy bee- to schedule people in. And this year I've had the most wonderful opportunity of doing just that: managing my own diary.

My birthday is coming in a couple of days. I hate this time of the year. Makes me so uncomfortable. I don't talk about it very much, this in fact is the first time I've written about it before. A lot goes on in my mind.

I feel like I have this big alter-ego on the inside in my mind who cares about his birthday, who wants everyone to remember and to show up and to call and all that jazz, yet on the outside I feel myself scared. A lot of people have forgotten before,  never called or showed up. It has never been a 'thing' my birthday and I think somewhat over the years I've become a little reserved about my expectations. These days I simply prefer having my phone off, kicking off my ugs and watching a movie alone. All the mushy and gooey messages make me feel all kinds of uncomfortable. Maybe because deep down I don't think I deserve to be appreciated? Or that such expressions of love are foreign territory (for me as a recipient)?. I don't know. All I know is that I can safely say that my birthday makes me uncomfortable and nowdays other people's birthdays make me uncomfortable too. I'd prefer not having to deal with them.

What's also interesting is that people think I'm a huge birthday person- well people do think a lot of things about me, much of which is unfounded. But a lot does go on in my mind and maybe I do give off that idea (seeing how last year I had a countdown to my birthday and constantly reminded 'everyone' as the day drew nearer). I think it was all an act. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'll never know.

There are 2 things I know for sure as I type here

1. This year I'm pretending that I lost my phone from two days before to two days after my birthday.

2. A lesson I learnt today: often we chase the people who aren't even the least interested in us, but if we stop, take a moment and look around (even just behind us) we will find all those people aggressively chasing us in love and these are the ones we must enjoy and let enjoy us.

Happy birthday Thabang Molapo

Dangerous eyes

I was like a little kid with a new toy
Moving your face from side to side
Right below your brows I discovered them
Your eyes
I found myself falling all the more deeper as I beheld them
Danger!
I saw things in them
Hidden secrets in them
More danger! 
I could feel my foot slip
My knees weakening
My heart giving way
So I ran to find a distraction
Your perfect complexion came to my aid
The glow of thine face

*silence*

But I could not escape it
The beauty of your coffee colored iris
Then I knew it:
I had fallen for you
Cause it was within your eyes that I saw you
*sigh*

When it pours my heart pours too

03 January 2015

I absolutely love the rain! I just love it when it rains. Witnessing this marvelous release by nature (or in our case- global warming) gives me such great pleasure. I'm overcome by these nostalgic chills.
I promise you, I want a two or three-storey house with glass everything, so I can watch. Like the king's watchmen, I can watch.

I'm not sure why I carry such strong feelings for the rain. Perhaps its the soothing sounds of large raindrops hitting the roof? Sounds that can give any child the most peaceful of sleeps. Or perhaps it's the idea of being able to blow my breath onto the window glass causing a  temporal misty surface where I can then draw hearts, and watch them slowly fade; like the great loves I've experienced. I'm not quite sure. Maybe the rain remains dear to me because it was during the rain days of my childhood that I could lay in bed and actively dream, wide awake. I would draw inspiration from the areas I had been to and the television content I had seen. I was very attentive when I went to Brits to shop with my grandma. I would also pay careful attention to the family settings on Generations. I would watch the white people, and what they ate. They seemed to always have it together. Oh there was a time when I wished I was adopted ... by a white family; 'cause in my young mind that would make everything better. I would have better exposure than I had otherwise had.

It is for this reason that I'm drawn to Cape Town winters, and why in the spring I'm tolerant of Pretoria. I love the roars of the thunderstorms. Dark clouds too. I even wanted to stay in England for a bit , just so I can spend my days adoring the dark gloomy clouds.
I have all these weird connections with nature you know. Like, I have this beautiful mountain in Pretoria that I love. I see it everywhere. It is just so long and beautiful. I've seen many mountains, but their beauty pales in comparison to that of this one. I also recall the first time I saw the living ocean. I was so mesmerized! A couple of weeks before that I had been longing for something, I couldn't pin point what, but I knew it was something remarkable. So when I finally witnessed the  ocean, from the depths of my spirit I could see myself entering the ocean waters and just walking, and walking. Walking the journey of forever. The kind of walking that we do on land. Not walking on water, but walking through and not drowning. I'd heard that the ocean gets pretty deep the further you go. Yet I didn't care. For me it would just be like walking. I think that experience spoke to my need to feel focused and undistracted.
Very weird right? Well, I'm weird.

The rain feels different lately. I attach it to different people. When I'm here in my mother's home and I look South Easterly towards Mabopane whilst it pours, my heart aches. I don't know the reason. It feels like I have forgotten someone that I ought to remember. Sometimes It feels like I have lost somebody who stays there. Yet, I can't seem to figure out who. I used to think it had something to do with Khumo, maybe sometimes it does. But I sometimes sense strongly that it has something to do with someone else. Someone I am missing deeply.

Or it could just be my adult self mourning being unable to enjoy the rain as much as my childhood self did.

I don't know.

I just know that I am missing someone or something and my heart aches

Crazy, stupid, love

A fell again.

It's true I carry my heart on my sleeve. Repeatedly I have said: in this world he who loves looks weak. I guess I always look and feel weak in these things, cause goodness I keep caring. The lover always seems vulnerable, and the loved- a man of great strength. It's so funny, I have always sought to be " the loved " but very often I have found myself deeply entrenched in the shoes of " the lover ". I wonder, is it destiny or a path of my own creation?

Yup, you guessed it ; there is someone. You know when you don't know what you want from them yet you still wanna be with them,in their company kinda vibes? That's how I feel! But then again I've felt this way before. There was a time I tried to get myself to stop caring but even that fails me.

The silence is the most painful. I wanna have conversations, night long conversations. I wanna play pool, and go on a drive. But silence is all I have.
It's always interesting to me that initially people try to woo you, make promises and stuff then suddenly change their tune. I'm left wondering .... Even wondering about myself.

I brought this one on myself anyway. This pain I caused myself. I broke your heart first. I understand that in your world you don't forgive easily but simply block people out , write them off.  Perhaps this is the reason it hurts more, because in my world we forgive freely; believing that it is the greatest gift one could give themself. So my expectations and hopes were never met when you shut me out.

Yet I love you the same.

It was never about how you look
You've had better days, but even with your lumps, bumps and speed humps I still love you.
It was always about your personality, your drive, gosh you're sexy!
And your laughter
And your language expressions
Haha
The " yaga " s and " wa bona "s
It was all about that.
The conversations we had
And how they made me feel.

I may never have fully explored my feelings for you but I'm confident I felt stuff for you.
I may not be sure what I wanted with you
But I'm sure I wanted you in my life
Even just as a friend.

When I look in the direction of your home
My heart breaks at the thought of what we have lost.

In this short time I've seen your heart
You are so kind
And you give.
But you are also scared.
You hide it all too well,
With the laughter and seemingly 'bold' statements that are very clearly dressed up in fear.
You run to protect your heart.
Just like me 2 years ago.
Afraid to be hurt, refusing to love freely.

You are still amazing.

It's true that I carry my heart on my sleeve.
You and many others have taught me the greatest love lesson.
That he who loves is the greatest
'Cause love goes hand in hand with maturity.
So no, I will not delete your number
Or block you off Facebook.
I love you the same.
Love is great strength.

Suitcases&travels: Friends, Ice-cream and New York City

Dear Diary,

I hope all is going well for you. Yes, it has been a second hey. I just haven't made the time to write, although I had been thinking about it and planning to do it soon. But here I am.

Since we last spoke a lot has happened, mostly positive and mostly developmental.  I had the absolute honor of taking part in the Investec Work-Readiness programme for a week in Jo’burg towards the end of June. And although mother Jo' refused to keep us warm, the experiences of the week left such a highlighted mark on my life in 2014. I am filled with so much gratitude, not only because this was an all-expenses paid trip, and ofcourse I’m also happy that I got to walk away with a free digital camera. But it was all about intention for me, attending workshops that sought to get me thinking a little deeper about my career and where the intent was clearly to open up my eyes to opportunity all around. I am forever changed. You know when you feel like the timing of something was divinely perfect? That’s how I felt! Everything I needed to hear, to have affirmed about myself was shared in the fancy Sandton walls of Investec Asset Management.

I never told you what I got for my birthday, and you know I’m gracefully the ‘bargain queen’ in that I just always happen to end up at a store with a special. So for my birthday this year I got a new phone, a Sammy S4 Active, and I’m really enjoying it. A lot of people always ask who got me the gift and I always have the same answer: “If no one does it for you, DIY!” We are often guilty of making people responsible for our own happiness, depending on them for the best experiences of our lives. No! No! Again I say no! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to cancel dinner plans or ice-cream dates when I really wanted to go. Somehow I feel like our generation is not comfortable with spending time with itself, I can’t remember the last time I went on a ‘me date’. We are so consumed with spending time with people, and sharing our lives on social media; giving the impression that everything about us is rosy. I am guilty! Ofcourse people are beautiful, but we must get comfortable with ourselves first. Enjoying ourselves, our own company. I’d like to be a bit more comfortable in the quietness and stillness of my life.

I have found that although social media is an excellent networking tool, it can also make one focus on what they don’t have and apparently what they ‘need’, and it is so easy to suddenly feel discontented with one’s life.  I miss the days of genuine friendships, days of conversations under the sun on the green lawns by the water streams. I miss the days when the desire to pack up and travel wasn’t fuelled by the need to meet people who could care more and the desperate desire to forget the people who care less, days when we desired to explore the world and to run the streets of New York City like kids after an ice-cream truck.

Diary, I guess what I have learnt over the past few weeks is that nothing material could fill the need for good relational love. Genuine relationships. People who care, building each other up until the coming of Christ. To this day I still seek such relationships, but like Kim Burrel said “ it is impossible to love without patience “. So maybe, just maybe I need to be content with what I have, embracing the relations I have and enjoying what I am getting- patiently.

Yours in the pursuit

T

Some Whitney reality

About 3 days ago I had my birthday, and for the first time in my life I had an exam on the same day. When I became aware of this a couple of months ago, I completely 'crossed' it out of my mind. I mean what was I to do? My exam schedule was as follows:  Monday 9 June at 17h00, and Tuesday 10 June also at 17h00. Last thing I wanted to think about was a birthday. Although, I have never cared much about having a big do on my birthday. As you already know I like keeping things simple, I am not ready for the 'speech-speech' spotlight pressures. So I prefer staying indoors, the winter weather in Cape Town is perfect, perhaps get a few snacks, turn my phone off and contemplate on life. Might even fit in a movie in between. Ag, you know I've always had this weird dream of me and 'the one' snuggling up to a movie on the couch with some hot-chocolate (under perfect Cape Town winter weather conditions). Needless to say, I hate hot chocolate, and chocolate (sometimes). I am a seasonal chocolate-eater. But what can I say? That is the bit that America has fed us, we all wanna be 'in the movies'. Being our very own Julia Roberts.That dream seems like the perfect sight.  Speaking of Julia Roberts, I was recently induced to watch a clip of the  'say a little prayer for you ' scene from her 1998/1999 box-office hit: My  bestfriend's wedding. This scene felt fitting considering all the crazy ideas that people have been feeding me about one of my good friends. I don't even wanna go into details.

#ThrowBack2011

Something really special happened on this birthday. I can't say what it is, but I know what it feels like; growth. Maturity. I felt it come upon me. This sudden consciousness that I am now 22. For most of this year I kept insisting that I was turning 18, but when that day came I couldn't care less about being 18. I loved being 22. I appreciated being 22. I noted the beauty of growth, an opportunity to measure myself up against who I want to be. I received amazing messages and calls, but a couple things stood out for me on this particular day; I received an sms from one of my good friends and she said " Thabang, may God grant you the grace to achieve things that according to the world, people your age cant achieve.". That is powerful right thurr! And then I learned something about love, again. I laugh at myself every time these 'love lessons'  happen. So I, for some odd reason, decided to browse through X's instagram 'cause it had been a while.  And it appears it was his friend's birthday over the weekend, and they went out. He looked great! Dressed in black and all, looking so good. Uhm he cut his hair. I care so much about the hair situation 'cause that is one of the things we spoke about, it's my favourite look of him. But when we met he was doing the whole afro-hair thing. For a moment I felt a little sad, then mad. I thought to myself: how can he look so good? How can he look so happy? How come he's moved on? I really felt this jealousy come over me, oh but my Whitney- my good old Whitney hit me. I was reminded of one of the self-consolation songs I sang to myself a while back after the break up, the particular line that says: " I hope life treats you kind, and I hope... you have all you dreamed of. And I wish you joy ... and happiness. But above all these, I wish you love ... ". And that was the crux of the lesson for me. I had no reason to be mad anymore, 'cause indeed that song summed up my feelings about him. Another friend recently told me that I bring all these 'guys' to the altar (closer to God). Looking back, I think I actually do. We laughed about it. Although a seemingly beautiful thing, I'm just not sure that's how I want people to end up knowing God.

The highlight of my birthday was what happened later that evening. After I had done something special for him, one of the guys who stays on the streets of Mowbray looked me in the eyes and said "God bless you brother". And I heard God. There was that genuine beauty in his voice. That blessing was calm and reassuring. I knew right there and then that I had been blessed indeed.

The judgement of love is not on one action but rather on a series of actions. Love is consistent.

Here's to a year of growing in love

T

I hope you dance

I'm not the type of guy to watch a movie or an episode of anything more than once, unless ofcourse it's Glee or High School Musical. In fact I find very few movies 'worth' repeating. I remember growing up to some good tv, my weekends were always jam-packed with movie dates with myself. Starting out with Craze-Fridays at 14h30, then being mesmerized by the the cheesy yet well-intended Saturday afternoon and evening movies on etv. Those were the days! I'd go as far as saying that the people of my generation probably had the best upbringing. 

My all time favourite movie has got to be the 1988 classic: Bettlejuice ( link to the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hovKm9oFiM) . I can't say why. I just fell in love with the movie. I actually haven't seen it in years, so I can't recall details , but I know it starts off with a newly-wedded couple dying in a car accident. Don't freak out just yet- it is wasn't horrific. You might actually find their death quite funny.  I guess this saying is true: "They may not remember what was said (the details), but they will remember how it made them feel ". Puts to words my feelings about this movie.

The reason I'm writing is 'cause over the past few days I've had this strong urge to watch some good Tyler Perry movies. So that has been the mission. This evening I have been watching : The family that preys. 
During one of the scenes the characters discuss the journey of life, whilst in the background a beautiful song by Lee Ann Womack titled " I hope you dance " plays.


I thought I would share the lyrics:

I hope you never lose your sense of 

wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance                                                                     
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance
I hope you dance
(Dance)
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
(Dance)
Where those years have gone
(Dance)

Yours in the dance

T