Phil 1:23

23 But I am hard pressed between the two. My yearning desire is to depart (to be free of this world, to set forth) and be with Christ, for that is far, far better.

Building castles, living in mansions: all in the power of the mind

We live within our own limits. What pleasure to know that we can break down this walls and walk beyond these bounds.

God gives dreams much bigger than our place of birth, but if we are caught up in what was and has and we burden ourselves with the lives of others, slowly we will feel the chains of the burdens pull us down and close us in.

Living within the bounds of our own limits.

Save the hero

Validation.

Human beings, we all need validation.
To us all it comes in varying ways. To some it is in getting perpetual affirmation, to others in material things. For me I guess its always been in  be able to confidently rest in the security of love. To know that I know that I know that I'm loved. The depths of love that casts away fear.

I spent the last 3 hours with some of my favorite people in the world. We have grown so different in the past 2 and a half years, their personalities more alike, their aspirations too I assume.

I have always been the 'motherly' 'place of return in times of trouble' one and them, careless (in the best of ways) and carefree. I admire them. And I love them deeply. Times with them always make me feel like a 'hip and happening' parent trying to keep up with their teenage kids.

The last 3 hours have persuaded me to consider whether I'm enjoying life, or if I'm watching it go by, missing out without any form of risk taking. This brings me back to the issue of yesterday's post: deciding on my person that I want to be. Do I want to be free spirited, grabbing life by its horns, or do I want to be who I think I need to be (is this person even really me?)?. Whoever I choose, I will have to live with and live out - consistently.

Frustration.

Varisty has been the most strenuous time of my life. I miss being 17 and thinking that I know who I am and what I want. Being 22- knowing what you want today and changing your mind tomorrow.

I think suicide is cowardice. In my opinion it is not having the strength to decide what you want and being it. Instead it is deciding to pull the plug on life or choose the "GAME OVER" option. I'm not thinking about it. There were days when I could completely relate to why anyone would decide to do it. Sometimes I'm convicted about its selfishness. Other times I think perhaps the pain one has borne supersedes (in their mind) the pain they think others will have to deal with in their absence.

I do not think the world realizes what young people go through. Choosing between what you see and deal with every day versus what you think is right vs what you want for yourself vs your faith. It is a lot to consider. I admire the people that have chosen to be whatever they are, least for them a choice has been made, whatever the consequences. Nothing more frustrating than a double-minded man. Nothing more frustrating than feeling lukewarm.

God help me.

Seeing things through

I probably shouldn't still be up, its 02h41 and I have a Finance test at 09h00. Its raining here and my thoughts are as loud as the storm and the echo of its large raindrops heard outside my window.

It's been a crazy year, a testing year. I feel now more distant to God than I've ever felt before. I haven't been doing what I need to be doing - in order to grow strong, a man must eat the right food. I haven't been eating much, or doing much good so to speak. There's so much discontentment. And unfortunately I don't think its the type associated with wanderlust, easily healed by packing up one's bags. Its different.

I think I  know what it is. Any friend that's had the pleasure of asking me where I am in life will tell you that I've continually said: " my entire life and God is screaming 'consistency' ". I'll admit I am guilty of having a short attention/interest span, however, I do see it catching up with me.

At the moment I think its about figuring out ... okay - "figuring out" is sugarcoating it, I need to decide who and what I want , as well as the kind of person I want to be, then stick to it. About a month ago I found myself questioning some of my values, they had nothing to do with my integrity but more to do with my ideas of sex and where and when it fits into a relationship. My mind has been plagued with all things sexual, it feels like I've been in multiple relationships, although I've only had one.

I am not in a good mental space and this is a thorn in my flesh.

I recently listened to an audio book by renown author and transformation specialist: Robin Sharma, which alluded to regaining control over one's mind, something I'm deeply convinced of, as it roots (in my view) from the writings of the Christian faith.

The effects of having little control over one's mind are easily translated into their habits, words and choices. I feel and see myself changing and I don't like it. I don't like the state of my mind and the person it is shaping.

I wanna change it. I'm going to change it.

So this afternoon after my test I'm going to sit myself down, chat to myself (without any distractions) and decide with myself what I want and who I want to be.

Mental health is just as important.

The thing about birthdays

I'm taking a study break as I type this ( I do take a lot of these - don't judge, which student doesn't?).

My life is about to go crazy in the next couple of days, being involved in marking 2 exams, working on a translation project, reception work, school work (2 exams and assignment due at the end of the semester vacation) , life work. But I love it! I really do. It's interesting to me that I've always wanted to be a busy bee- to schedule people in. And this year I've had the most wonderful opportunity of doing just that: managing my own diary.

My birthday is coming in a couple of days. I hate this time of the year. Makes me so uncomfortable. I don't talk about it very much, this in fact is the first time I've written about it before. A lot goes on in my mind.

I feel like I have this big alter-ego on the inside in my mind who cares about his birthday, who wants everyone to remember and to show up and to call and all that jazz, yet on the outside I feel myself scared. A lot of people have forgotten before,  never called or showed up. It has never been a 'thing' my birthday and I think somewhat over the years I've become a little reserved about my expectations. These days I simply prefer having my phone off, kicking off my ugs and watching a movie alone. All the mushy and gooey messages make me feel all kinds of uncomfortable. Maybe because deep down I don't think I deserve to be appreciated? Or that such expressions of love are foreign territory (for me as a recipient)?. I don't know. All I know is that I can safely say that my birthday makes me uncomfortable and nowdays other people's birthdays make me uncomfortable too. I'd prefer not having to deal with them.

What's also interesting is that people think I'm a huge birthday person- well people do think a lot of things about me, much of which is unfounded. But a lot does go on in my mind and maybe I do give off that idea (seeing how last year I had a countdown to my birthday and constantly reminded 'everyone' as the day drew nearer). I think it was all an act. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'll never know.

There are 2 things I know for sure as I type here

1. This year I'm pretending that I lost my phone from two days before to two days after my birthday.

2. A lesson I learnt today: often we chase the people who aren't even the least interested in us, but if we stop, take a moment and look around (even just behind us) we will find all those people aggressively chasing us in love and these are the ones we must enjoy and let enjoy us.

Happy birthday Thabang Molapo

Dangerous eyes

I was like a little kid with a new toy
Moving your face from side to side
Right below your brows I discovered them
Your eyes
I found myself falling all the more deeper as I beheld them
Danger!
I saw things in them
Hidden secrets in them
More danger! 
I could feel my foot slip
My knees weakening
My heart giving way
So I ran to find a distraction
Your perfect complexion came to my aid
The glow of thine face

*silence*

But I could not escape it
The beauty of your coffee colored iris
Then I knew it:
I had fallen for you
Cause it was within your eyes that I saw you
*sigh*

When it pours my heart pours too

03 January 2015

I absolutely love the rain! I just love it when it rains. Witnessing this marvelous release by nature (or in our case- global warming) gives me such great pleasure. I'm overcome by these nostalgic chills.
I promise you, I want a two or three-storey house with glass everything, so I can watch. Like the king's watchmen, I can watch.

I'm not sure why I carry such strong feelings for the rain. Perhaps its the soothing sounds of large raindrops hitting the roof? Sounds that can give any child the most peaceful of sleeps. Or perhaps it's the idea of being able to blow my breath onto the window glass causing a  temporal misty surface where I can then draw hearts, and watch them slowly fade; like the great loves I've experienced. I'm not quite sure. Maybe the rain remains dear to me because it was during the rain days of my childhood that I could lay in bed and actively dream, wide awake. I would draw inspiration from the areas I had been to and the television content I had seen. I was very attentive when I went to Brits to shop with my grandma. I would also pay careful attention to the family settings on Generations. I would watch the white people, and what they ate. They seemed to always have it together. Oh there was a time when I wished I was adopted ... by a white family; 'cause in my young mind that would make everything better. I would have better exposure than I had otherwise had.

It is for this reason that I'm drawn to Cape Town winters, and why in the spring I'm tolerant of Pretoria. I love the roars of the thunderstorms. Dark clouds too. I even wanted to stay in England for a bit , just so I can spend my days adoring the dark gloomy clouds.
I have all these weird connections with nature you know. Like, I have this beautiful mountain in Pretoria that I love. I see it everywhere. It is just so long and beautiful. I've seen many mountains, but their beauty pales in comparison to that of this one. I also recall the first time I saw the living ocean. I was so mesmerized! A couple of weeks before that I had been longing for something, I couldn't pin point what, but I knew it was something remarkable. So when I finally witnessed the  ocean, from the depths of my spirit I could see myself entering the ocean waters and just walking, and walking. Walking the journey of forever. The kind of walking that we do on land. Not walking on water, but walking through and not drowning. I'd heard that the ocean gets pretty deep the further you go. Yet I didn't care. For me it would just be like walking. I think that experience spoke to my need to feel focused and undistracted.
Very weird right? Well, I'm weird.

The rain feels different lately. I attach it to different people. When I'm here in my mother's home and I look South Easterly towards Mabopane whilst it pours, my heart aches. I don't know the reason. It feels like I have forgotten someone that I ought to remember. Sometimes It feels like I have lost somebody who stays there. Yet, I can't seem to figure out who. I used to think it had something to do with Khumo, maybe sometimes it does. But I sometimes sense strongly that it has something to do with someone else. Someone I am missing deeply.

Or it could just be my adult self mourning being unable to enjoy the rain as much as my childhood self did.

I don't know.

I just know that I am missing someone or something and my heart aches

Crazy, stupid, love

A fell again.

It's true I carry my heart on my sleeve. Repeatedly I have said: in this world he who loves looks weak. I guess I always look and feel weak in these things, cause goodness I keep caring. The lover always seems vulnerable, and the loved- a man of great strength. It's so funny, I have always sought to be " the loved " but very often I have found myself deeply entrenched in the shoes of " the lover ". I wonder, is it destiny or a path of my own creation?

Yup, you guessed it ; there is someone. You know when you don't know what you want from them yet you still wanna be with them,in their company kinda vibes? That's how I feel! But then again I've felt this way before. There was a time I tried to get myself to stop caring but even that fails me.

The silence is the most painful. I wanna have conversations, night long conversations. I wanna play pool, and go on a drive. But silence is all I have.
It's always interesting to me that initially people try to woo you, make promises and stuff then suddenly change their tune. I'm left wondering .... Even wondering about myself.

I brought this one on myself anyway. This pain I caused myself. I broke your heart first. I understand that in your world you don't forgive easily but simply block people out , write them off.  Perhaps this is the reason it hurts more, because in my world we forgive freely; believing that it is the greatest gift one could give themself. So my expectations and hopes were never met when you shut me out.

Yet I love you the same.

It was never about how you look
You've had better days, but even with your lumps, bumps and speed humps I still love you.
It was always about your personality, your drive, gosh you're sexy!
And your laughter
And your language expressions
Haha
The " yaga " s and " wa bona "s
It was all about that.
The conversations we had
And how they made me feel.

I may never have fully explored my feelings for you but I'm confident I felt stuff for you.
I may not be sure what I wanted with you
But I'm sure I wanted you in my life
Even just as a friend.

When I look in the direction of your home
My heart breaks at the thought of what we have lost.

In this short time I've seen your heart
You are so kind
And you give.
But you are also scared.
You hide it all too well,
With the laughter and seemingly 'bold' statements that are very clearly dressed up in fear.
You run to protect your heart.
Just like me 2 years ago.
Afraid to be hurt, refusing to love freely.

You are still amazing.

It's true that I carry my heart on my sleeve.
You and many others have taught me the greatest love lesson.
That he who loves is the greatest
'Cause love goes hand in hand with maturity.
So no, I will not delete your number
Or block you off Facebook.
I love you the same.
Love is great strength.

Suitcases&travels: Friends, Ice-cream and New York City

Dear Diary,

I hope all is going well for you. Yes, it has been a second hey. I just haven't made the time to write, although I had been thinking about it and planning to do it soon. But here I am.

Since we last spoke a lot has happened, mostly positive and mostly developmental.  I had the absolute honor of taking part in the Investec Work-Readiness programme for a week in Jo’burg towards the end of June. And although mother Jo' refused to keep us warm, the experiences of the week left such a highlighted mark on my life in 2014. I am filled with so much gratitude, not only because this was an all-expenses paid trip, and ofcourse I’m also happy that I got to walk away with a free digital camera. But it was all about intention for me, attending workshops that sought to get me thinking a little deeper about my career and where the intent was clearly to open up my eyes to opportunity all around. I am forever changed. You know when you feel like the timing of something was divinely perfect? That’s how I felt! Everything I needed to hear, to have affirmed about myself was shared in the fancy Sandton walls of Investec Asset Management.

I never told you what I got for my birthday, and you know I’m gracefully the ‘bargain queen’ in that I just always happen to end up at a store with a special. So for my birthday this year I got a new phone, a Sammy S4 Active, and I’m really enjoying it. A lot of people always ask who got me the gift and I always have the same answer: “If no one does it for you, DIY!” We are often guilty of making people responsible for our own happiness, depending on them for the best experiences of our lives. No! No! Again I say no! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to cancel dinner plans or ice-cream dates when I really wanted to go. Somehow I feel like our generation is not comfortable with spending time with itself, I can’t remember the last time I went on a ‘me date’. We are so consumed with spending time with people, and sharing our lives on social media; giving the impression that everything about us is rosy. I am guilty! Ofcourse people are beautiful, but we must get comfortable with ourselves first. Enjoying ourselves, our own company. I’d like to be a bit more comfortable in the quietness and stillness of my life.

I have found that although social media is an excellent networking tool, it can also make one focus on what they don’t have and apparently what they ‘need’, and it is so easy to suddenly feel discontented with one’s life.  I miss the days of genuine friendships, days of conversations under the sun on the green lawns by the water streams. I miss the days when the desire to pack up and travel wasn’t fuelled by the need to meet people who could care more and the desperate desire to forget the people who care less, days when we desired to explore the world and to run the streets of New York City like kids after an ice-cream truck.

Diary, I guess what I have learnt over the past few weeks is that nothing material could fill the need for good relational love. Genuine relationships. People who care, building each other up until the coming of Christ. To this day I still seek such relationships, but like Kim Burrel said “ it is impossible to love without patience “. So maybe, just maybe I need to be content with what I have, embracing the relations I have and enjoying what I am getting- patiently.

Yours in the pursuit

T

Some Whitney reality

About 3 days ago I had my birthday, and for the first time in my life I had an exam on the same day. When I became aware of this a couple of months ago, I completely 'crossed' it out of my mind. I mean what was I to do? My exam schedule was as follows:  Monday 9 June at 17h00, and Tuesday 10 June also at 17h00. Last thing I wanted to think about was a birthday. Although, I have never cared much about having a big do on my birthday. As you already know I like keeping things simple, I am not ready for the 'speech-speech' spotlight pressures. So I prefer staying indoors, the winter weather in Cape Town is perfect, perhaps get a few snacks, turn my phone off and contemplate on life. Might even fit in a movie in between. Ag, you know I've always had this weird dream of me and 'the one' snuggling up to a movie on the couch with some hot-chocolate (under perfect Cape Town winter weather conditions). Needless to say, I hate hot chocolate, and chocolate (sometimes). I am a seasonal chocolate-eater. But what can I say? That is the bit that America has fed us, we all wanna be 'in the movies'. Being our very own Julia Roberts.That dream seems like the perfect sight.  Speaking of Julia Roberts, I was recently induced to watch a clip of the  'say a little prayer for you ' scene from her 1998/1999 box-office hit: My  bestfriend's wedding. This scene felt fitting considering all the crazy ideas that people have been feeding me about one of my good friends. I don't even wanna go into details.

#ThrowBack2011

Something really special happened on this birthday. I can't say what it is, but I know what it feels like; growth. Maturity. I felt it come upon me. This sudden consciousness that I am now 22. For most of this year I kept insisting that I was turning 18, but when that day came I couldn't care less about being 18. I loved being 22. I appreciated being 22. I noted the beauty of growth, an opportunity to measure myself up against who I want to be. I received amazing messages and calls, but a couple things stood out for me on this particular day; I received an sms from one of my good friends and she said " Thabang, may God grant you the grace to achieve things that according to the world, people your age cant achieve.". That is powerful right thurr! And then I learned something about love, again. I laugh at myself every time these 'love lessons'  happen. So I, for some odd reason, decided to browse through X's instagram 'cause it had been a while.  And it appears it was his friend's birthday over the weekend, and they went out. He looked great! Dressed in black and all, looking so good. Uhm he cut his hair. I care so much about the hair situation 'cause that is one of the things we spoke about, it's my favourite look of him. But when we met he was doing the whole afro-hair thing. For a moment I felt a little sad, then mad. I thought to myself: how can he look so good? How can he look so happy? How come he's moved on? I really felt this jealousy come over me, oh but my Whitney- my good old Whitney hit me. I was reminded of one of the self-consolation songs I sang to myself a while back after the break up, the particular line that says: " I hope life treats you kind, and I hope... you have all you dreamed of. And I wish you joy ... and happiness. But above all these, I wish you love ... ". And that was the crux of the lesson for me. I had no reason to be mad anymore, 'cause indeed that song summed up my feelings about him. Another friend recently told me that I bring all these 'guys' to the altar (closer to God). Looking back, I think I actually do. We laughed about it. Although a seemingly beautiful thing, I'm just not sure that's how I want people to end up knowing God.

The highlight of my birthday was what happened later that evening. After I had done something special for him, one of the guys who stays on the streets of Mowbray looked me in the eyes and said "God bless you brother". And I heard God. There was that genuine beauty in his voice. That blessing was calm and reassuring. I knew right there and then that I had been blessed indeed.

The judgement of love is not on one action but rather on a series of actions. Love is consistent.

Here's to a year of growing in love

T

I hope you dance

I'm not the type of guy to watch a movie or an episode of anything more than once, unless ofcourse it's Glee or High School Musical. In fact I find very few movies 'worth' repeating. I remember growing up to some good tv, my weekends were always jam-packed with movie dates with myself. Starting out with Craze-Fridays at 14h30, then being mesmerized by the the cheesy yet well-intended Saturday afternoon and evening movies on etv. Those were the days! I'd go as far as saying that the people of my generation probably had the best upbringing. 

My all time favourite movie has got to be the 1988 classic: Bettlejuice ( link to the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hovKm9oFiM) . I can't say why. I just fell in love with the movie. I actually haven't seen it in years, so I can't recall details , but I know it starts off with a newly-wedded couple dying in a car accident. Don't freak out just yet- it is wasn't horrific. You might actually find their death quite funny.  I guess this saying is true: "They may not remember what was said (the details), but they will remember how it made them feel ". Puts to words my feelings about this movie.

The reason I'm writing is 'cause over the past few days I've had this strong urge to watch some good Tyler Perry movies. So that has been the mission. This evening I have been watching : The family that preys. 
During one of the scenes the characters discuss the journey of life, whilst in the background a beautiful song by Lee Ann Womack titled " I hope you dance " plays.


I thought I would share the lyrics:

I hope you never lose your sense of 

wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance                                                                     
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance
I hope you dance
(Dance)
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
(Dance)
Where those years have gone
(Dance)

Yours in the dance

T

To love again, to laugh again

This picture puts to words how I feel  now, and where I am in my life at the moment. It feels like spring already. Everything is beautiful. Feels great to laugh, love and live again. I feel  like a child, going after my dreams aggressively.
There are a couple of exciting projects in the pipeline. I can't 'spill the tea' just yet. But I am grateful to God, the other day I was pondering on one of my philosophical reflection-induced statements: " every attempt is a journey ". I see myself back on the faith walk. Living for the glory of God.

Hope you are having a grand week and a great life.

Yours in love, laughter and life
T

Update: Winter Break

Okay, I intend on making this a short post 'cause I've been up since around 1h30ish and it is now just after 5am and I have to be ' up ' at 6h30.

It has been an interesting couple of days. The 'winter break' is still on.
Day 1 of the 'retreat' was so challenging. I made a few mistakes. I suppose the greatest challenge for me was the dealing with and accepting the sudden silence of the world. The sudden absence of a traffic of Whatsapp  messages streaming in, and 'mourning the loss' of not being able to view and like other people's posts on Facebook; atleast for the time being. For a moment it did feel lonely. I was even drawn back to thinking about ... well I had still been thinking about the whole experience and where we ... I am.

I haven't started working out yet though I have started the diet again. Last night I had my first 'vegetarian supper' evening. I had been planning to have one since early March, but for some odd reason I had always been craving meat, good meat. So I managed to convince myself that I had to have a lot of meat. Perhaps the whole point is not giving your body  what it wants. Maybe it is about giving it what it needs. And I suppose that is what I am learning. Having that degree of self-control and dominance over your body. It starts out, as Joyce Meyer would say, with teaching yourself not to have that extra-chocolate cookie when you know very well that you are full. Surprisingly, I really enjoy the vegetarian meal. I made a nice Indian-inspired spicy vegetable and bean soup. I hope I didn't enjoy it solely on account of the winter.

An original by LoveShowers

Actually, the reason I am writing is 'cause I wanted to share some thoughts from my campus trip this morning. I was inspired. I realised today that I am well taken care of. That I do not need to carry any care in the world. You  know the Bible says God has said He knows the plans He has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans to give us a hope and a future. If you read this verse in Jeremiah in another bible version your will discover that God said that He knew what He was doing. Wow! That is beautiful. To know that He knows what He is up to. Consider this together with the fact that He has said that He causes ALL things , that is everything, to work together for the good of all those who love Him and are called according to His will and purpose. I now understand (to some degree) what people mean when they say " I am a love child of a love God". I am so grateful. There's so much to be grateful for. So many many reasons to say " Thank You".

Today in the bus on my way to campus I realised that we all have an individual journey, our own way, our own path. Carved by God, in  love for us. For each one of us, individually. It says that He planned in love for us. I realised that there's no reason to for me to compare myself and my journey with that of another. Our journeys are not the same. That sometimes you need to extend the duration of your degree so that the right and perfect post-graduate programme and funding specifically (and personally) for you can be designed. Just for you. And that, though you started out with many, it is okay when you each take a different path 'cause the journeys are all different. So the issue is holding on  to God and fixing your eyes on the big prize, that is- being all that He has planned for you to be.

Finally I realised what God was saying when He inspired me to say " God will give you a dream much bigger than your place of birth ."

Yours in growing awareness
Thabang

" The plan ", My vision for life, " The God plan "

                So I'm on what I call the 'winter break'. Don't ask! Me and my craze ideas again.

The rainy winter season setting in, Cape Town ( 17 May 2014), an original by Thabang Molapo

 Growing up, I would always have these craze 'retreat' programmes, the ' 12 days of cleansing ' programme,where I would abstain from doing certain 'things' I would rather not disclose on here. The 'week of gratitude' programme, when I would spend a whole week every month pondering on the things I was grateful for, and attempting to avoid complaining. Needless to say that the worst and most infuriating events would creep in during that week. The devil is a liar! Many more programmes came and went and so I became more aware of myself.

I am grateful for all these experiences.

 If there's one thing I do not regret, it would have to be learning to take some time out to myself, just to think. It was during those quiet moments that I discovered my values. I recall going on ice-cream dates with myself at Kfc in Claremont during my first year, during which I would always have to pretend to be busy on my phone whilst in reality I was deep in thought. I figured that this strategy would make me seem 'normal' lest I be accused of talking to myself and being a little 'cray-cray'. How things have changed. Back then I used to eat ice-cream. With every date I discovered myself a little more, my vision for life becoming even clearer. I swear I could touch it at some point. It had become my reality.
I can't say what happened. That doesn't even matter. All that matters is that I am taking the time out to bring myself back to that state of mind, and even further.

After moping around the whole day (today) and watching sad movies in the dark just to make myself feel even worse in my state of self-pity, I decided to get up and clean my room. No, literally! Whenever my room is a mess, I feel like everything else around is a mess. So I got up and cleaned all around. It was during this time that I realised that in the midst of 'everything ' that was happening, I lost sight of  my vision for life. I forgot why I came here in the first place. I had forgotten all my values and the things once so dear to me.I realised that maybe everything else was falling apart because ... maybe like I said in 09 during my presidential election speech: " those who stand for nothing fall for anything ", and perhaps I, now, suddenly stood for nothing.

Over the past few weeks I have been asking myself some tough questions like, do I still believe the same? Do I have values? If I do, why do I continuously act the way I do? After all, as Jim Rohn says, " values have a cost ". Notice that in the paragraph above I highlighted I and me, this is because I believe that it is my fault that I am in the state I am in today. It is the decisions that I made that brought me here, the words that I spoke, all  mine. I had the responsibility to watch over my heart and mind, over my friendships and over my actions. It was all me.

Only God is responsible for me, even then- His responsibility is limited to to how much of Him I am willing to embrace. So He holds me responsible for my joy and success because He has made available to me everything good thing I could ever need to live a glorious life through the death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ. But, His responsibility is only limited to how much of Him I am willing to embrace. So then, it follows that it is my responsibility to embrace Him.

I have decided to work on a 5 year plan. I am trying to keep it simple and specific. Tonight I managed to work of my year 1 plan, which is 2014:

I call 2014 my year of graduation. This of course coincides with my graduation from my undergraduate degree programme which is taking place at the end of the year. But I also believe that this is the year in which I will graduate from childish things to a state of maturity in all parts of my life. Even more so in  my spiritual and social life.
The focus for the year is self development in every respect:

Spiritually: 
Goals include: Living fully for God and truthfully before Him.Contentment, peace and quietness, living in and for love
HOW? Church, fellowship with the brethren, personal fellowship and knowing the Word for myself.

Socially: 
Goals include: Building good and healthy relationships. Firstly with  myself, then with others. Working a bit more on the 'outer man' as well (looking&smelling good)
Getting my licence at end of October 2014
HOW? Taking responsibility for my feelings and acknowledging that the power is in my hands
Rewriting my learners and getting contacts from Phindi about the driving instructor before 15 June 2014 ( setting a reminder on my phone for 11 June 2014)

Commercially:
Goals include: Tithing consistently, saving and giving freely. Valuing time and investing in projects I believe in. Adding value to myself and developing into a rare commodity for any business (organisation).
HOW? Exploiting every opportunity for a scholarship, internship or work experience programme. Applying even when I am not eligible.
Reading and fostering a culture of reading. Taking time to be informed about the world and commerce, this will  include reading 2 business news articles per day.
Managing my time well and continuously finding ways of studying and  working better. Using up every opportunity at work to acquire more skills.
Applying to be sub-warden next year and being ready for the interviews

Health:
Goals include: Taking care of my 'earthly home'. Drinking lots of water, getting enough rest, eating well ( keeping to my diet and meal plans), working out
HOW? Blood-type based diet has proven to have great results to date, being consistent in it and not succumbing to pressures from friends. Drinking lots of water, working out 5 times a week (with Tuesdays being my kickboxing days). Consistency!!!

Academically:
Goals include: Graduating in 2014, being eligible for honours in 2015 and getting funding for 2015
HOW?
Putting in the work. Learning as opposed to cramming. Using up the resources, lecture videos, consultations, study groups. Be more than a A+ student, combine theory with reality. Do seen tuts, read!!!!!

This is my action plan. I intend to review my success weekly and to update my goals regularly. In my efforts to be more accountable to myself, I will  blog about my progress weekly. I know it will not be easy,but it is more important to me that I attempt to cultivate these good habits than fearing to fail. So I will give it a try.

I had an epiphany during the week, I have had the prestigious honour of tutoring Accounting 1 with the College of Accounting at UCT for my second year now ( how I got the post is another testimony), and I am so excited to find that I am still learning whilst teaching. Comparing how I taught some of the course content last year with this year helped me see that indeed " when we know better, we do better ". So we learn that we may move forward. I guess this is to say that we should not regret any experience we have ever had, despite the pain. With some situations you might just be learning how to smell even better.

This 'winter break' is the equivalent of a social media 'sabbatical'. I'm taking a bit of time off Facebook and Whatsapp to focus on other things and other parts of my life. I would like to take more photos and read a bit more. I would like to have more friendly face to face conversations. To write my exams without distractions. I would like to enjoy my pots, to cook warm meals and welcome people into my home. I wanna take a little time to add more value to myself and in order to do this I'll require a bit of a break from the traffic of social media. I am hoping to be back for the spring, but for the moment, this seems perfect. 

I am grateful for these quiet moments. This is my only opportunity to ask myself if I am being truthful and true to what I believe. This is the time I use up to question my motives. This is the time that keeps me.

I hope reading this has helped you as much as the writing brought healing to me.

Yours in making progress
Yours in love more
Thabang

That thing you do with your forehead :-)

There were days when I would ask myself, what if lines were cut off today?
What if Facebook wasn't working, Whatsapp. What if there was a whole internet shutdown?
What if cellphones weren't working anymore?
I thought to myself, how would I find you? I've never even been to your house.
I pictured myself roaming the streets of Khayelitsha
Seeking you
Hoping to run into someone who might know where you reside.
Ironic isn't it?
Very!
Here I am.
Totally cut off from you.
Cut off from 'us'
From each other
Though phones are working, the Internet is fine.

I miss the giggles,
your eyes.
The tickles. The childishness. The quietness.

I saw your post the other day, you said:
" someone please buy me wine gums "
And your friends said you were acting 'child-like',
You said: " I feel like saying 'thank you' "
I thought that was beautiful.
I could have bought you a pack.

I'm totally in love with you

Guy who puts up with  my craze diet,
my craze life
with or without dimples
you made me love you.
Umuhle saan!

I miss everything
even that thing you do with your forehead
I miss you
:-)