An encouragement to keep sowing

So earlier this evening I had a conversation with  a friend on Facebook. See below:

A few minutes later Nandi inboxed me the following:

Nandi: 

"so the love I was talking about is not the romantic love or anything like that...I've just been receiving gifts from friends...one friend in particular bought me a beautiful gold watch,a painting and took my out today...noone has ever done that for me...I hardly go out...I'm always the one hosting visitors but today I felt really appreciated for all the good things I do for other ppl...it was just humbling to see someone go out of their way to me happy...I literally cried my friend...I just cudn't help it..I got very emotional about it...u shud have seen me "

Me: "HAhahahhaha, This is so beautiful. Scripture speaks truth: Do not grow weary of doing good FOR IN DUE TIME ... aaaahh, that is so encouraging  "
" thank you for sharing "

Nandi: " I'm still speechless...I've been in Cape for more than 5 yrs my frnd...n have never been to Trenchtown in Obz for supper...hahahahaahahha ...i only go to KFC n McDonald's hhahahahaha..I guesss it's true what they say:ther's always a first time for evrything "

With the lot that goes on in our lives; to hear Nandi say this was as refreshing as a glass of ice-cold water on spring's afternoon. So encouraging! We keep giving and giving, people taking and taking. This can be very discouraging, but tonight as I read through Nandi's testimony, I remembered the scripture encouraging us not to grow weary in  doing good for IN DUE SEASON we shall reap a harvest, only if we do not grow weary. The Word is truth.

I have just had to accept that I have a ministry of love. It doesn't take much for me to care and to want to know someone better. Only I would be bothered 'cause every time I walk past Baxter Theater that artistic man (who's always roaming the streets) seems to talk to everyone except me. Oh what joy when eventually I had a conversation with him. Such a lovely soul. He even walked me to res. Only I would be excited when the res security guard recognizes and greets me. I value people. It is easy to love. I love, I trust. It is my nature. It isn't the easiest thing to  accept 'cause in a romantic relationship you always want the other person to 'love' you more, you want them to say ' I love you' first. Ironic that love has been viewed as a sign of weakness. Yet Paul said ' love is the most excellent way' and ' the greatest of these is love '. I am accepting that the 'lover' has the upper-hand and is more matured. Perhaps I should start just living out my nature. It is who I am after all.

As happy as I am for Nandi, I think I do not like being appreciated. Well, atleast not publicly. I think I would pull a Julia Roberts- 1999 Runaway bride performance. Like I did in 09. It was right after I found out I was the academic student of the year, I was so overcome with emotion that I took the award without uttering a word and made a run for it. I don't remember how I got there, but the next thing I remember was standing outside one of the teacher's cars, tears streaming down my face. Maybe I didn't want people to see? I had to always have my brave face on in high school. Loving comes more easily to me than being loved. I don't know why. It is more difficult to accept that someone can possibly love you than it is it to comprehend why you love them. I sometimes wonder why people enjoy hanging out with  me, or why they have good things to say (if they do). I don't quite get it. Maybe this is part of my journey? Maybe one day I will be able to acknowledge that I am lovable. That has kind of been the issue with God- letting His love be enough. Self-worth issues, well I think I've made tremendous progress. There was a time when I wouldn't accept gift 'cause I didn't think I was good enough. True what they say, Jesus is the expert mindset changer. These days I love me some gifts. But it still remains, I do not think I would appreciate a surprise birthday party. There's a reason I don't go big on  my birthday, there's a reason I do not host big dinner parties, I guess I'm not ready to have that spotlight on me yet. I think I am still comfortable being a guest.  I am not ready for the pressures of "speech speech". I'm still very comfortable to let my actions speak for themselves.

There's hope though. I like little things. Little things matter to me, like a letter, like a hug, like a call, like an 'I miss you, you are important to me' text. There's hope. I still have that crazy image of you outside my res, then you call me to tell me you are outside. Surprise visits. Now those I enjoy. I still go crazy thinking about you possibly insisting on visiting 'cause you miss me. I still have those crazy visions about us talking a walk on the beach around winter time, me with sandals in  my one hand and coffee in the other (though I do not like coffee much). It's the walks, the quietness of the company, the good sighs and the loud laughs. Those matter. The little things.

Don't you see? I am not that complicated. Capitec Bank got it: 'simplicity is the ultimate sophistication'.

PahPah-God twists my arm real good. He plays around with the weather and I love it.

So I am filled with  hope, though now for a while it may seem like my seeds of love produce no fruit, yet IN DUE TIME as I wait expectantly, with joy- I know that every seed has the potential of producing fruit. And it will.

Yours in growing love
T

Weird epiphanies

"There are three things to leave behind: your photographs, your library, and your personal journals. These things are certainly going to be more valuable to future generations than your furniture!" -- Jim Rohn

It's almost 3am. I have a bottle of water next to me, and right next to it- a glass of Fanta Orange. My room doesnt look its 'everyday glorious', but it's still, by all means, very neat. About 15 minutes ago when I woke up for a quick bathroom visit and a glass of water I heard 2 seemingly Xhosa guys laughing loudly outside the building. Probably getting back from a night out, although they didn't look drunk. Who would want to walk the streets drunk this late anyway? Just a day ago I was like them, only returning home roundabout this hour after a 'wild' night out. Now if you know me, you'll know that I am often referred to as a 'bore' by my worldly friends 'cause for some reason my idea of a 'night out' seems to be very different from theirs. Though, I will say that some of them may be partially proud of the limits I pushed and the 'progress' I made last night. 

You know, I am glad no one really reads this blog. I feel like I had become such a self-judgemental writer. Holding back and fearfully refusing to type out some things 'cause I figured people were watching. Even if they were; this is like a journal thing. A safe space where I can share thoughts about life; my life- with  myself. The only difference is that it is online and anyone can access it. 

I enjoy reflecting on things and I use up a lot of time thinking about and through things. I think up a lot. Even last night, loud as the music was in the club and despite the consistent effort of the flashing lights to try give me a headache, yet- even in those moments I was still  thinking; asking myself questions. How did I get here? Seriously, how did I get here? Looking at my life I notice that I have been on a downward spiral for the past 3 years. It is clear to me what causes it, and yet here I am. I just had my last sip of the Fanta.

Once again last night I was on a quest to get myself hurt after someone did me wrong. Self-pity is the worst! I wanted a hook-up, I wanted a kiss- just a kiss. It felt like the only thing between my then current state and my then future 'being over the ex' state. I was convinced I'd feel so much better afterwards. I could feel my heart hurting, literally in pain. For those who do not believe that a heart can actually hurt- by all means, please experience a first break-up. And if that still doesn't work for you, try liking someone a lot and getting your fingers burnt. Well in this instance; your heart. I cant explain the pain, but it is there.

Last night I just wanted to go wild. It felt like I let my guard down with this one person. I let myself down. For the first time in my life I opened myself up to dating, I broke ALL my rules about how I wanted to live my life, about the mannner in which things and my life were to pan out, I allowed myself to see a future with  this person, and I got hurt real bad. I let myself down. So excuse me if I didn't want to act rationally. I thought kissing a stranger would heal the inward wounds.

I do not club. I do not like it. I am the kind of guy  who prefers quiet spaces. Dinner parties, lunches, picnics, hikes, most indoorsy activities, photography, having a good conversation, a bit of reading, road trips, some young travelling, charity work, cooking up a storm (aka experimenting in the kitchen), in fact just now when I woke up I had an urge to make steamed bread plus I've been craving some good meat lately, it became apparent to me in the past hour that even though I've been eating meat, I'm craving braai-ed meat. I like simplicity and quietness. it has always been important to me. And  this is why I have not opened myself up to dating people on campus, it is a small community, almost everyone knows ( and I mean KNOWS) everyone. I cannot (and do not wish to) be involved in drama. So I keep to myself, and I allow myself to know many people but I only allow a few to know me in-depth. I am all about meaningful relations.

This was my second visit to a club. And for the first  time in a long time, I felt like I fit in somewhere. My first club visit was about 2 years ago, in 2012. And after that I swore off Long Street. Perhaps it was the choice of the club this time, perhaps.  Christians are very interesting, the ones I've met atleast, they only love you when they see you. I always think to myself- how convenient! There was a time when I didn't even want to be asked " so- how are things going love? ", because that's the ice-breaker every time they see someone. It feels like such a convenient thing to ask when you see someone. I think people have no right to ask that question if they haven't made an effort to be in your life. They don't and they shouldn't!

Sorry to burst your bubble. I did not end up kissing anyone that night, but I had a good time laughing at everything that was happening around. It was also very interesting to see my friend getting hit on, all the offers. I think had anything happened that night I would have been consumed by guilt the next morning 'cause I received a text from him when I got home. And I felt like crap for overreacting.

I am picking up the pieces of my life.

My family has become strong in faith. For 2 to 3 years of my life I had been praying for them to be saved, for God to be revealed to them. Today, they are the ones praying for me. Though they have no idea what's going on in  my life I know they are praying for me. My younger brother and I have become so close, he is such a man of God. I can already see Daddy's promises regarding his life coming to be. Nothing brings  me greater joy than hearing my mom laugh, she deserves it. Lord knows that woman deserves it. There's such a great hope, so great. I recall a vision I had just prior to my dad's passing, and I knew we would fine, everything was green, calm and peaceful. And that is a place that my family and I are coming into. We are coming into a place in God where no attack of the enemy can touch us. 

When everything else is falling apart there's one thing to focus on, one hope and His name is Jesus. My faith is my mainstay, so that's where I am looking at the moment. When I am successful there, I am successful everywhere. I would like to be more consistent in this area of my life. It is my life. When you stop caring for your faith, you stop caring for your life.

What did I learn from my relationship? Well a lot. It was a pleasant experience. I learned to love, to let go, to be loved, to be secure, to smell good ( 'cause daayme he smells good). I also learnt that it is okay to be boring, I met someone I could lay in bed with and we would just look at the ceiling without saying a word yet it would feel perfect. And you wonder why I could see a future? I learnt to communicate without words, kinda like my leave-tree thing with Daddy. I do not for one moment regret our time, and these lessons serve a much great purpose. There has been some growing up, there's still some more to be done.

Here's some humour: A couple that 'bores' together doesnt stay together :-)

So to picking up the pieces, to focusing, to loving.

T

Extra-matured thoughts

These are but some of the random thoughts I have been having lately around 4am. Thoughts about life- influenced more so by a recent break-up and my exposure to relationships. I suppose this is just me justifying to myself that I HAD to let this go, and that even though it hurts at the moment , there's no need for me to harbor malice and to hold back on forgiveness. This is not to say I was in a toxic relationship. But 'being away' hurts just as bad.

I promised myself
I promised myself I would never be that woman
That woman that habitually returns to their abuser
I promised myself

Rejection is not to your personal value,
it is about the other's preferences.
Do not devalue yourself by being miserable.
Allow people the right to choose what they prefer, 
and if you are not it- well honey; keep on steppin'

I think people always have 2 choices in life
1) To wait and wait and wait miserably until someone
apologizes before they free them-self through forgiveness
or
2)To free them-self from bondage by 'freely' forgiving .

I think option 2 is always better. You avoid all the misery, and all you need is a conversation with self.

We give away our freedom by  being convinced that people owe us an apology

Never let feelings of hurt take away from the feelings of greatness and love that you shared with them. Beautiful memories were meant to be treasured.

Silence speaks volumes. It is the act of not acting. Silence speaks just as well

Love beareth under anything

Never be ready to compromise your beliefs for feelings,
unless that feeling is compassion

Love fully
Love freely
Love like a child, holding nothing back
Love

Though you may not see it, though you may not feeling. It is there. Yes- there's hope for you. Someone can love YOU forever. Believe it!

Yours in love

T

Waiting on 'one' ... nearing the end of a chapter

Trying to convince ourselves that we feel nothing about something that we clearly care about is a lie. I shall refrain from speaking in parables- okay, maybe just a little bit. I am tempted.
I've been waiting all day, for some form of text, a message, something; from you.
I don't know why I keep hoping, I mean- am I the only one that caught the feelings 'fever'? It is very apparent that that is not the case with you.
Funny right? How you thought I'd never fall for someone like you, yet it appears from where I'm standing that you never fell for me. Ironic indeed.

Anyway, this is not for you. This is not about you. This is for me. This is my opportunity to reflect on what was.

You are very special. I've never met anyone who treats me like you do, the things you do. How you tickle me. How you know the right thing to say. I think you are amazing. Thank you for giving me a pleasant first experience. I was hoping you would be the first and the last. You very  well might be.
I think I've pretty much collected all the romantic relationship experience I needed, from 'us'. I would like to hold on to that. And no- this is not 'heartbreak' speaking. I think I am ready for a life alone. I promised myself that I'd give us a try but should we not work out then I was to pursue a life of quietness as a singleton.

I've been waiting for 'one' since 2008 . Quite interesting to me how similar your personalities are, yet not your appearances. So I have decided to wait for 'one' just a little longer... 'a little longer' in my book means until the end of the year, ofcourse. I am convinced that  2014 is the year for me to conclude the romance chapter of my life.

'One' should know that if they show up on the 31st of December at 22h00 then they'll only have 2 hours of my life.

 Here's to becoming all that I have always wanted to be :-)

The break up

22nd April 2014, 22h43

I woke up this morning and I knew it,
It was like we had said our goodbyes the night before
I feel fantastic
Better than I've felt in a while.
The past month has been exciting
I'll go to the extent of saying you are the best thing to have happened to my 2014
The way you kiss me, your eyes. It's been special.
Yeah I've fallen you.
Fallen hard and good.
But I am proud
Too proud product to allow myself to get hurt.
Why do I feel fantastic?
I don't know.
I woke up feeling free this morning.
It's hard to say this but I think I ought to go,
ought to go and leave 'us'.
I cant be that guy that fell for you when you are still holding back,
You are holding back so much when I've let my guard down. 
I cant play a losing game.
I already lost, I fell for you.
I have a lot more to lose.
I cant be thinking about you when I have no idea what you are thinking about.
There's a term for that- mental slavery.
I cant be talking about you when I'm not all you talk about.
I cant be the one checking my phone at 22h43 anymore,
concerned about how we havent spoken all day.
That hurts.
I like how you said you have flaws and all,
well so do I.
And out of love I'm willing to put up with yours,
But you are still holding back.
You are not in this a hundred.
I know he hurt you ...
It's just knowing that you can not be all fully mine
for now, for the next while- until you've dealt with the pain of your past.
And that's why I am going.
'Cause I'm not sure I can wait a while.

Goodbye mabebeza
Atleast we had a dream about our Ryan and Isaiah.
May your passion never die.

Goodbye love

Unanswered questions ...

I cant help but wonder why it never worked out between us,
You always said you loved me
Yet I never experienced it.
Why didnt it work out?
How come you never pursued me like you did your other lovers?
You said you loved the chase,
Was there something wrong with me?
Is it me?

The 2 years I spent crying over you
I could die
Seeing you was hard
Just running into
The thoughts of bumping into tortured me
I keep wondering though, 
Was I not enough?
Pretty enough?
Sexy enough?
Lookable enough?

How come you never considered me?
How come you made dinner dates with me but never fulfilled them?
I walked to your place, only to have you not answer your phone.
Was that the plan?
To break me?
Well- standing ovation, you did!
I spent 2 years recovering from the shame.
Every once in a while I feel myself slipping back into the same cycle. 

Why do fools fall in love ?

The can-opener

I was just opening a can of jam that's been in my cupboard for over a month now and my mind delved down to my childhood memories. Despite everything, I had a lovely childhood. All the games we played: house, tennis (our own version which involved jumping and ducking the ball whilst earning points), "being Boom Shaka", ofcourse I was Lebo. I enjoyed being a child. Growing up at the prime of shebeen-ownership made life all the more exciting, I didn't need to try sneak in, I just had to wait until Friday night and my whole family would go to Aus'Betty's.There we'd find many other families, women sitting there to ensure that by the end of the night the man has given the weekly sustenance allowance before "boxing up" the remainder. The joys of the new millenium. I remember I had read a book whilst visiting my grandparents called 'The nightingales' and it felt like (after reading the book) all the excitement of Sophiatown had translated into the age of my upbringing. Or atleast I had become conscious of it. The music, the fashion, everything. I grew up in a generation of experimentalists, I remember watching movies on video. Reading various local magazines. Watching Yotv and Tube. I had a lovely childhood.

So many special memories. The number of times my dad changed his beers brands, initially he only drank Hansa, then Black Label, then both. In the years leading to his passing he drank Castle Light. Interesting to me that never a Castle, a normal Castle Lager. He said he hated the taste.

Why am I reminiscing? Well it took a can opener to take me there, see- every time I grab my can opener I'm reminded of my dad and the weekends with  my family. He was paid on Fridays, but sometimes he would not give mom the 'allowance', then on Saturday afternoon he would come home with about 4 cans, a mixture of: baked beans, peas, spaghetti in tomato sauce and artchaar. And he would mix everything together and that would be our lunch. We called the meal "Spai-kos", whatever that means! My mom would be so angry, saying did he think this would be food for the week. Though this would often end up in a fight, just the memory of everything is just so beautiful to me. How far we've come.

Today I was just thinking about my life, about where I want to be. I've met someone. You know yesterday I did the weirdest thing- I normally buy a big tub of yoghurt, but instead I got the small 6-pack. Reminds me of home.

Thoughts of the dawn

Relationships

We do not go into relationships to be defined by them,

actually- we go in to share ourselves and to learn. They are a life-learning-love-affair, relationships.

We do not go in to lose ourselves to the other party- we must maintain our individuality. That's why we are different after all right? Our individuality? Our personality?

It is about relating- though (hopefully) one(united) in purpose, they allow us to bring traits to the table that the other may not have; and the event that they do(have the traits)-well, the sharpening thereof. After all: iron sharpens iron.

Though we ought to compromise- I say be open to compromising to the extent that you have a clear conscience.

Conscience is everything- it reminds us of the values we hold dear.

As one author once said: "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything"

I have watched many movies and interestingly I have discovered that most of the time when someone has cheated on their partner (driven more by emotional connections than lust) is asked why they did it, the reply is often:

" He saw me (the real me- like you never did). He took note of me"

Then this morning it hit me. People will never see you (for who you are) unless you see (and take note of) yourself (the real you). Least of all the people you are currently in relationships with. It is when you start "becoming" that you attract those that "see" (and take note of) your light. 

The past few weeks have made me feel as though I had become everything I have always not wanted to be. Then yesterday I read a Joyce Meyer quote where she says " Don't mourn bad decisions- overcome them with good ones". 

Consistency/Diligence

The other day a friend of mine said she would not do something with anymore because I was inconsistent. Initially it was a hard one to swallow. I was hurt and offended. But aren't we always? Especially when someone addresses something that is truthful about us. I had always had problems being consistent. My argument? " Oh I get bored easily. Things must be more exciting. I have come to the end of 'this' journey". Oh boy! How many of us have said that, right? 

Interestingly- inconsistency is really costly. Like seriously expensive. Consider all the failures you have suffered- what is at the core? Bad decisions demonstrating the inability to apply ourselves consistently (ie make good decisions every time). How much have we spent re-doing courses? Joining societies at the beginning of the yearly merely driven by excitement and not following through? Up-downs in our faith walk? Prayer life? Health? Inconsistency is costly. The costs are more than financial, it is the suffering you endure- the consequences of bad decision making. Someone recently said that there is no such a thing as "time management", it is about self-management. How true this is! " A man without self control is like a city without walls" (Proverbs). It is not easy BUT it is worth it. The bible in Proverbs 12:27  says "The lazy do not roast any game, BUT the diligent feed (feast) on the riches of the hunt". So diligence is a conscious effort, a decision. We can conclude that it is the act of DOING something right over and over until it is mastered. It is an action. Whether it is the consistency to study the Word, to pray, to stick to your blood-type based diet despite your weakness for pumpkin which is precluded (talking about self), or just loving consistently; may PahPah-God grant you the strength to press on and push on, because it is His will for us to have (and cultivate) good habits and to enjoy everyday life.

Welcome to the Thabang "becoming" diary