Weird epiphanies

"There are three things to leave behind: your photographs, your library, and your personal journals. These things are certainly going to be more valuable to future generations than your furniture!" -- Jim Rohn

It's almost 3am. I have a bottle of water next to me, and right next to it- a glass of Fanta Orange. My room doesnt look its 'everyday glorious', but it's still, by all means, very neat. About 15 minutes ago when I woke up for a quick bathroom visit and a glass of water I heard 2 seemingly Xhosa guys laughing loudly outside the building. Probably getting back from a night out, although they didn't look drunk. Who would want to walk the streets drunk this late anyway? Just a day ago I was like them, only returning home roundabout this hour after a 'wild' night out. Now if you know me, you'll know that I am often referred to as a 'bore' by my worldly friends 'cause for some reason my idea of a 'night out' seems to be very different from theirs. Though, I will say that some of them may be partially proud of the limits I pushed and the 'progress' I made last night. 

You know, I am glad no one really reads this blog. I feel like I had become such a self-judgemental writer. Holding back and fearfully refusing to type out some things 'cause I figured people were watching. Even if they were; this is like a journal thing. A safe space where I can share thoughts about life; my life- with  myself. The only difference is that it is online and anyone can access it. 

I enjoy reflecting on things and I use up a lot of time thinking about and through things. I think up a lot. Even last night, loud as the music was in the club and despite the consistent effort of the flashing lights to try give me a headache, yet- even in those moments I was still  thinking; asking myself questions. How did I get here? Seriously, how did I get here? Looking at my life I notice that I have been on a downward spiral for the past 3 years. It is clear to me what causes it, and yet here I am. I just had my last sip of the Fanta.

Once again last night I was on a quest to get myself hurt after someone did me wrong. Self-pity is the worst! I wanted a hook-up, I wanted a kiss- just a kiss. It felt like the only thing between my then current state and my then future 'being over the ex' state. I was convinced I'd feel so much better afterwards. I could feel my heart hurting, literally in pain. For those who do not believe that a heart can actually hurt- by all means, please experience a first break-up. And if that still doesn't work for you, try liking someone a lot and getting your fingers burnt. Well in this instance; your heart. I cant explain the pain, but it is there.

Last night I just wanted to go wild. It felt like I let my guard down with this one person. I let myself down. For the first time in my life I opened myself up to dating, I broke ALL my rules about how I wanted to live my life, about the mannner in which things and my life were to pan out, I allowed myself to see a future with  this person, and I got hurt real bad. I let myself down. So excuse me if I didn't want to act rationally. I thought kissing a stranger would heal the inward wounds.

I do not club. I do not like it. I am the kind of guy  who prefers quiet spaces. Dinner parties, lunches, picnics, hikes, most indoorsy activities, photography, having a good conversation, a bit of reading, road trips, some young travelling, charity work, cooking up a storm (aka experimenting in the kitchen), in fact just now when I woke up I had an urge to make steamed bread plus I've been craving some good meat lately, it became apparent to me in the past hour that even though I've been eating meat, I'm craving braai-ed meat. I like simplicity and quietness. it has always been important to me. And  this is why I have not opened myself up to dating people on campus, it is a small community, almost everyone knows ( and I mean KNOWS) everyone. I cannot (and do not wish to) be involved in drama. So I keep to myself, and I allow myself to know many people but I only allow a few to know me in-depth. I am all about meaningful relations.

This was my second visit to a club. And for the first  time in a long time, I felt like I fit in somewhere. My first club visit was about 2 years ago, in 2012. And after that I swore off Long Street. Perhaps it was the choice of the club this time, perhaps.  Christians are very interesting, the ones I've met atleast, they only love you when they see you. I always think to myself- how convenient! There was a time when I didn't even want to be asked " so- how are things going love? ", because that's the ice-breaker every time they see someone. It feels like such a convenient thing to ask when you see someone. I think people have no right to ask that question if they haven't made an effort to be in your life. They don't and they shouldn't!

Sorry to burst your bubble. I did not end up kissing anyone that night, but I had a good time laughing at everything that was happening around. It was also very interesting to see my friend getting hit on, all the offers. I think had anything happened that night I would have been consumed by guilt the next morning 'cause I received a text from him when I got home. And I felt like crap for overreacting.

I am picking up the pieces of my life.

My family has become strong in faith. For 2 to 3 years of my life I had been praying for them to be saved, for God to be revealed to them. Today, they are the ones praying for me. Though they have no idea what's going on in  my life I know they are praying for me. My younger brother and I have become so close, he is such a man of God. I can already see Daddy's promises regarding his life coming to be. Nothing brings  me greater joy than hearing my mom laugh, she deserves it. Lord knows that woman deserves it. There's such a great hope, so great. I recall a vision I had just prior to my dad's passing, and I knew we would fine, everything was green, calm and peaceful. And that is a place that my family and I are coming into. We are coming into a place in God where no attack of the enemy can touch us. 

When everything else is falling apart there's one thing to focus on, one hope and His name is Jesus. My faith is my mainstay, so that's where I am looking at the moment. When I am successful there, I am successful everywhere. I would like to be more consistent in this area of my life. It is my life. When you stop caring for your faith, you stop caring for your life.

What did I learn from my relationship? Well a lot. It was a pleasant experience. I learned to love, to let go, to be loved, to be secure, to smell good ( 'cause daayme he smells good). I also learnt that it is okay to be boring, I met someone I could lay in bed with and we would just look at the ceiling without saying a word yet it would feel perfect. And you wonder why I could see a future? I learnt to communicate without words, kinda like my leave-tree thing with Daddy. I do not for one moment regret our time, and these lessons serve a much great purpose. There has been some growing up, there's still some more to be done.

Here's some humour: A couple that 'bores' together doesnt stay together :-)

So to picking up the pieces, to focusing, to loving.

T