Waiting on 'one' ... nearing the end of a chapter

Trying to convince ourselves that we feel nothing about something that we clearly care about is a lie. I shall refrain from speaking in parables- okay, maybe just a little bit. I am tempted.
I've been waiting all day, for some form of text, a message, something; from you.
I don't know why I keep hoping, I mean- am I the only one that caught the feelings 'fever'? It is very apparent that that is not the case with you.
Funny right? How you thought I'd never fall for someone like you, yet it appears from where I'm standing that you never fell for me. Ironic indeed.

Anyway, this is not for you. This is not about you. This is for me. This is my opportunity to reflect on what was.

You are very special. I've never met anyone who treats me like you do, the things you do. How you tickle me. How you know the right thing to say. I think you are amazing. Thank you for giving me a pleasant first experience. I was hoping you would be the first and the last. You very  well might be.
I think I've pretty much collected all the romantic relationship experience I needed, from 'us'. I would like to hold on to that. And no- this is not 'heartbreak' speaking. I think I am ready for a life alone. I promised myself that I'd give us a try but should we not work out then I was to pursue a life of quietness as a singleton.

I've been waiting for 'one' since 2008 . Quite interesting to me how similar your personalities are, yet not your appearances. So I have decided to wait for 'one' just a little longer... 'a little longer' in my book means until the end of the year, ofcourse. I am convinced that  2014 is the year for me to conclude the romance chapter of my life.

'One' should know that if they show up on the 31st of December at 22h00 then they'll only have 2 hours of my life.

 Here's to becoming all that I have always wanted to be :-)

The break up

22nd April 2014, 22h43

I woke up this morning and I knew it,
It was like we had said our goodbyes the night before
I feel fantastic
Better than I've felt in a while.
The past month has been exciting
I'll go to the extent of saying you are the best thing to have happened to my 2014
The way you kiss me, your eyes. It's been special.
Yeah I've fallen you.
Fallen hard and good.
But I am proud
Too proud product to allow myself to get hurt.
Why do I feel fantastic?
I don't know.
I woke up feeling free this morning.
It's hard to say this but I think I ought to go,
ought to go and leave 'us'.
I cant be that guy that fell for you when you are still holding back,
You are holding back so much when I've let my guard down. 
I cant play a losing game.
I already lost, I fell for you.
I have a lot more to lose.
I cant be thinking about you when I have no idea what you are thinking about.
There's a term for that- mental slavery.
I cant be talking about you when I'm not all you talk about.
I cant be the one checking my phone at 22h43 anymore,
concerned about how we havent spoken all day.
That hurts.
I like how you said you have flaws and all,
well so do I.
And out of love I'm willing to put up with yours,
But you are still holding back.
You are not in this a hundred.
I know he hurt you ...
It's just knowing that you can not be all fully mine
for now, for the next while- until you've dealt with the pain of your past.
And that's why I am going.
'Cause I'm not sure I can wait a while.

Goodbye mabebeza
Atleast we had a dream about our Ryan and Isaiah.
May your passion never die.

Goodbye love

Unanswered questions ...

I cant help but wonder why it never worked out between us,
You always said you loved me
Yet I never experienced it.
Why didnt it work out?
How come you never pursued me like you did your other lovers?
You said you loved the chase,
Was there something wrong with me?
Is it me?

The 2 years I spent crying over you
I could die
Seeing you was hard
Just running into
The thoughts of bumping into tortured me
I keep wondering though, 
Was I not enough?
Pretty enough?
Sexy enough?
Lookable enough?

How come you never considered me?
How come you made dinner dates with me but never fulfilled them?
I walked to your place, only to have you not answer your phone.
Was that the plan?
To break me?
Well- standing ovation, you did!
I spent 2 years recovering from the shame.
Every once in a while I feel myself slipping back into the same cycle. 

Why do fools fall in love ?

The can-opener

I was just opening a can of jam that's been in my cupboard for over a month now and my mind delved down to my childhood memories. Despite everything, I had a lovely childhood. All the games we played: house, tennis (our own version which involved jumping and ducking the ball whilst earning points), "being Boom Shaka", ofcourse I was Lebo. I enjoyed being a child. Growing up at the prime of shebeen-ownership made life all the more exciting, I didn't need to try sneak in, I just had to wait until Friday night and my whole family would go to Aus'Betty's.There we'd find many other families, women sitting there to ensure that by the end of the night the man has given the weekly sustenance allowance before "boxing up" the remainder. The joys of the new millenium. I remember I had read a book whilst visiting my grandparents called 'The nightingales' and it felt like (after reading the book) all the excitement of Sophiatown had translated into the age of my upbringing. Or atleast I had become conscious of it. The music, the fashion, everything. I grew up in a generation of experimentalists, I remember watching movies on video. Reading various local magazines. Watching Yotv and Tube. I had a lovely childhood.

So many special memories. The number of times my dad changed his beers brands, initially he only drank Hansa, then Black Label, then both. In the years leading to his passing he drank Castle Light. Interesting to me that never a Castle, a normal Castle Lager. He said he hated the taste.

Why am I reminiscing? Well it took a can opener to take me there, see- every time I grab my can opener I'm reminded of my dad and the weekends with  my family. He was paid on Fridays, but sometimes he would not give mom the 'allowance', then on Saturday afternoon he would come home with about 4 cans, a mixture of: baked beans, peas, spaghetti in tomato sauce and artchaar. And he would mix everything together and that would be our lunch. We called the meal "Spai-kos", whatever that means! My mom would be so angry, saying did he think this would be food for the week. Though this would often end up in a fight, just the memory of everything is just so beautiful to me. How far we've come.

Today I was just thinking about my life, about where I want to be. I've met someone. You know yesterday I did the weirdest thing- I normally buy a big tub of yoghurt, but instead I got the small 6-pack. Reminds me of home.

Thoughts of the dawn

Relationships

We do not go into relationships to be defined by them,

actually- we go in to share ourselves and to learn. They are a life-learning-love-affair, relationships.

We do not go in to lose ourselves to the other party- we must maintain our individuality. That's why we are different after all right? Our individuality? Our personality?

It is about relating- though (hopefully) one(united) in purpose, they allow us to bring traits to the table that the other may not have; and the event that they do(have the traits)-well, the sharpening thereof. After all: iron sharpens iron.

Though we ought to compromise- I say be open to compromising to the extent that you have a clear conscience.

Conscience is everything- it reminds us of the values we hold dear.

As one author once said: "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything"

I have watched many movies and interestingly I have discovered that most of the time when someone has cheated on their partner (driven more by emotional connections than lust) is asked why they did it, the reply is often:

" He saw me (the real me- like you never did). He took note of me"

Then this morning it hit me. People will never see you (for who you are) unless you see (and take note of) yourself (the real you). Least of all the people you are currently in relationships with. It is when you start "becoming" that you attract those that "see" (and take note of) your light. 

The past few weeks have made me feel as though I had become everything I have always not wanted to be. Then yesterday I read a Joyce Meyer quote where she says " Don't mourn bad decisions- overcome them with good ones". 

Consistency/Diligence

The other day a friend of mine said she would not do something with anymore because I was inconsistent. Initially it was a hard one to swallow. I was hurt and offended. But aren't we always? Especially when someone addresses something that is truthful about us. I had always had problems being consistent. My argument? " Oh I get bored easily. Things must be more exciting. I have come to the end of 'this' journey". Oh boy! How many of us have said that, right? 

Interestingly- inconsistency is really costly. Like seriously expensive. Consider all the failures you have suffered- what is at the core? Bad decisions demonstrating the inability to apply ourselves consistently (ie make good decisions every time). How much have we spent re-doing courses? Joining societies at the beginning of the yearly merely driven by excitement and not following through? Up-downs in our faith walk? Prayer life? Health? Inconsistency is costly. The costs are more than financial, it is the suffering you endure- the consequences of bad decision making. Someone recently said that there is no such a thing as "time management", it is about self-management. How true this is! " A man without self control is like a city without walls" (Proverbs). It is not easy BUT it is worth it. The bible in Proverbs 12:27  says "The lazy do not roast any game, BUT the diligent feed (feast) on the riches of the hunt". So diligence is a conscious effort, a decision. We can conclude that it is the act of DOING something right over and over until it is mastered. It is an action. Whether it is the consistency to study the Word, to pray, to stick to your blood-type based diet despite your weakness for pumpkin which is precluded (talking about self), or just loving consistently; may PahPah-God grant you the strength to press on and push on, because it is His will for us to have (and cultivate) good habits and to enjoy everyday life.

Welcome to the Thabang "becoming" diary

Looking forward > moving forward ... It is all about love for me

I don't know how I have managed to get some posts together. Or maybe I  am going through a "writer's block" phase? Hey, I wonder how people who are employed writers manage to produce work after work. Respect!

So 2014 has had an interesting start. I think I should begin by sharing with you what Daddy said to me last year in December. Actually, perhaps the starting point should be how my varsity break was, as I have said on numerous accounts that I would write about it

2013 was challenging for me, I could say the second half of 2012 was too? But I think you'd have a better idea of what I went through in 2013 by just going through my posts on here. The year felt really lonely. The best thing that happened last year was having the opportunity to tutor with the College of Accounting at UCT. Tutoring kept me sane! I thank God for that! You know it is true that Daddy will cause everything to work for our good. Tutoring was that one thing that I needed to feel in line with my purpose when seemingly everything else was falling apart.
            In case you didn't know- I am passionate about education and teaching.
What was going on in 2013? Relationships! If you went through my post about my dad you would understand why relationships would be challenging for me. I felt somewhat "abused" in my friendships, unappreciated! I felt that I had to constantly pursue people, yet no one was pursuing me. I guess I felt unloved- being aware of this, I felt like a hypocrite- how could I profess to "know" the Father's love when I want to be loved by people. I kept wondering whether His love was enough for me. Guilt! Guilt! Knowing that He loves me yet- wanting to feel "loved" by those around me.

Okay, I am a really affectionate person. One of those that easily "catch" feelings. I care about people, I love people. How I have wished to feel just as loved as I know that I love. The other thing also is that I am not entirely open about my life, my feelings and myself. I guess I keep some rooms to myself, but I also think it depends on the relationship. if you ask anyone who has spent time with me, you will know that we spend a lot more time talking about them and how they are doing. I just cant seem to be able to effectively communicate what is going on in my life. It just seems too complicated to share with a "mere" man I guess?  However, I seem very effective in asking the right questions to find out how other people are doing.
What was happening last year? I actually don't know. I guess I was just tired of relationships that were one-sided. The hardest part was my birthday- spending it alone. Though in the end I had great fun, it was just knowing that some people forgot and that some "friends" didn't even know that date. I think the way I saw life after that changed. Relationships are very important to me, and contrary to popular belief- I actually look for depth. I love getting to know people, finding out about their passions and visions. And I look for virtue in people! It is knowing that the people I associate with treat others as they too would like to be treated. That deep!
In hindsight I can say that as difficult as everything was, I am glad I went through this period. I am more at peace with how things ended with some people, I got the closure I needed. I learnt that blocking someone off social networks is not the way to deal with unresolved feelings. I am happy that I got my closure. I left some faith activities because I realised that they were dragging me behind, causing me to question the value God on me. Not worth it!

So when I left Cape Town in November I had set in my heart to use the varsity break to find myself and ultimately to decide what I wanted. Whether it would be Daddy or something else. I felt that I had become very distracted by everything that was happening in my life that I had lost sight of Him. And He says " keep your eyes fixed on ME, the author and the finisher of your faith". I needed this time. When I got home things were a bit slow ... I wasn't where I needed to be in my walk with Daddy but I was very happy to be back at my home-church. There's just something about being home. Finally there came a turning point, it is like something happened. A fight between heaven and hell (for me), and heaven won 'cause suddenly my eyes were open to see- really see. I dedicated time to the Word and worship, just feasting in the presence of the Lord- it was then that Daddy God said to me concerning 2014: " You are the greatness of God revealed". Wow! What a Word! 2 days later I received a confirmatory message from someone I didn't know, through one of my blog posts, who just wrote "the greatness of God revealed". Wow- what a confirmation!  I was so encouraged-  God's love became my reality, it is almost like I can physically lean on Him. He was a reality. He began to fill me with dreams for the new year, things I would do to get  my life more exciting. one of which is cooking . Love it! Pure bliss! My "new" dreams seemed to have a common thread: consistence and persistence. Funny thing is, these have always been  the most challenging virtues for me.

I had such a great time at home, my mom turned 40 and we threw a big party. It was at this event that my dad's last photo was taken. Interesting thing about life hey, you may just be taking your last photo.

In the week that my dad got ill we prayed, every time I prayed I felt that I was wasting my time, on the inside of me I knew he was gone. Yet I kept praying- it felt like unbelief. It was draining to do. What I would continually see though was a bright future, everything taken care of. It was almost  like his passing would lead to this bright future. you have no idea how bad I felt. I saw him the day before his passing, he looked old. But he didn't look like someone that could die in a few hours- that's what my mom and I find puzzling. He would not even look at us, it was as though he had suddenly become impatient. I remember just how worried my mom was, she even called him that evening to see if he was fine, and he promised that he was fine. That call that we dreaded came through just after 3am, though in bed- none of us could see. I remember my mom answering the phone, her last words were " Druza- what are you doing to me?". 'Cause I didn't hear her cry , I thought it was a false alarm. My mom is a strong woman. She made sure everything was fine. It was so painful when the kids found out, especially my little brother. but God help him.

I think the funeral threw me off, making the arrangements was exhausting. I really enjoyed spending time with my mom. I did everything to make her laugh. A smile had become so rare on her face, that at  any  sign of a smile, my heart would leap for joy. Having to return to CT a week after the funeral was the hardest- not knowing if they are fine, if they were coping. It was such a challenge. Praise God for cellphones.


Cape Town has been an interesting time. I will say that I have grown in Daddy's love. I have. I can put up with a lot of things that people do without feeling bad about myself. I have also become much more comfortable - with myself. How you ask? Joyce Meyer overload.  I think I like myself now, and yes I believe that I am beautiful.
Inside-out.

I had the most wonderful Saturday last weekend, I got to spend time with Syd. Hadn't seen him in about a month- but we go to the same institution. I don't know what we actually did; I guess it was just about being together at that time in that space. We went to Manhattans , a gay bar in Greenpoint. Such a great time.

Here's to a wonderful life <3

A father's love ... death is a thief.

Dear blog,

I hope you are well.

I havent written in such a long time and boy did a lot of things change during the 3 month long varsity break. I do not even know where to begin as I attempt to fill you in.

Well the 12th of this month marked 5 months since Boaz's family found out about his passing, but most recently for me and my family, it marks a month since my step-dad passed away. For a couple of years leading to his passing I was comfortable referring to him as my "step-dad" as I narrated stories of all the abuse I had suffered in my upbringing under his hand to anyone who would listen. But now, writing this, and over the past couple of weeks, having had so many different dreams about him, I acknowledge that that man was my father. I know this from the inner-most part of me. He was my father! Obviously our relationship was a difficult one. I do not think any child would appreciate their mother being bruised and abused, this being emotional or physical. They just begin to hate the perpetrator. I didnt care what he did to me. Children who are exposed to abuse lose sight of themselves. My concern was my mom. I cant even begin to count the number of nights I spent with one eye opened, wondering if he would chase her with  a knife again. Wondering if there'd be another argument which would lead to a major fight. I remember the one time they had such a big fight, that even afterwards I was still so scared that I couldnt calm down. I cried until I started puking.  Perhaps this was the way of life in this place of my birth. A squatter-camp on the outskirts of Pretoria. This, my home, a place alienated by governments and forced into a municipality that no one wanted to belong to: the North-West.

If I could write a letter to my dad, it would read as follows:

Dear Dad,

I want you to know that at the time of your passing I had forgiven you. In fact, when I got saved in 2009, God renewed my heart and I forgave you completely. I know we never shared many conversations as was the case when I was an only child. I could not relate to you anymore. I know I have forgiven you and everything, but all the things you did to me- to my mom, they affected me. Growing up I struggled with self-worth issues. This was after Remo (my little bro) was born. I did not feel like a priority anymore. Things changed. Then I found out that day when you were drunk with your friends that you were not my real dad. In my mind, it all added up, how you changed as soon as he was born. What hurt the most was how you always insulted me for have only female friends. How bad it made you look. I remember how you tried to bribe me, saying you'd give me money everyday to go play pool just so i'd stop playing with girls. I wanted to do it, to make you proud. But you never left the money.
I was so proud that one Friday night when we were at Roba-letheka's shebeen, and you had one ball left to win the pool game, then I insisted that you let me play for you. I remember how everyone watched in anticipation to see if I'd get the ball in. And how they cheered when I helped you win. You were so happy.... so proud. You'd keep saying to mom (and people), "he's a good boy, if only he would stop playing with girls". I dont know why I was like that. I wished you could have understood.

In 2008 you turned me against my mom, yet you never knew it. She didnt know how much I despised her, and I did. I hated that she would pack up our stuff every time you had a big physical fight, only to unpack and go through the same motions again, over and over. She did this even after you pulled a gun on  my face in February 2007. Even after you hit me in April of 2008. She still came back. What hurt most was in April 2008, when I was convinced that I would be free from all the abuse, then you ruined it for me. You promised to buy her a laundry machine just so she could stay. I felt worthless, that she valued that machine more than me. All those things, every single one of them made me feel inferior. I could not receive free gifts without a sense of guilt. I never liked branded clothes, and when my aunt would do things for me, I would feel unworthy as she lavished me in expensive clothing. It took me a long time to get over those feelings. Even when I got to varsity those emotions continued to haunt me. This has become the story of every child who's been abused, or been exposed to abuse. They feel worthless. All I ever needed was your love.

But I want you to know that I forgave you.

You were my dad, my only dad growing up. I recall the Christmas goodies you'd get from work every December, and all the clothes you'd buy for me. I always have this memory of us together, I must have been 6 or 7, when I fell and bit my tongue. Dad, it was so painful, but you made it better, just your being there. My head on your fatherly thighs. I felt so safe! That's a one memory I have always treasured of you. You, my dad.
Remo and I will always remember the goodies you'd bring back every Friday after getting paid, the chips and the pies from BunnySmile. All the yogurts from Meatgood. We would always look forward to your arrival on Fridays.

And I wanna thank you.

I do not think I would ever be where I am without everything I went through growing up. Books and tv became my hiding place. I wouldnt have needed a hiding place had my life been smooth sailing. So maybe this was my destiny. I worked hard just because I wanted a better life for my mom. So thank you, 'cause indeed God has caused all things together for my good.

I want you to know that I cried a lot at your burial.
In the week of your passing I felt strong, I kept feeling like this was an indirect death, that it didnt affect me. Maybe I wanted to be strong for the kids. But on the day that your lifeless body was brought home I couldnt hold back on the tears. I realised that I loved you, you were my dad. I loved you for myself and for my siblings, because they love you dearly. Pontsa(my little sister) misses you so much! Your passing hurt them. I was worried about Remo, but God is good- he's much stronger than I thought.

I have become their dad. I want the best for them. We packed away all your machinery and tools and locked up for Remo's future. I worry about mom sometimes though .. when I call her, her voice is so low. I'm just happy to hear her laugh once in a while during our conversations. It is sad that you passed 2 weeks before I headed back to Cape Town. I would have felt more comfortable being home with them during this time. But it is well!
What was hard for me at the cemetery was realizing that man's life possibly ends in a box like yours. Glamorous and ll, yet still a box. A lifeless box! I couldnt believe that I was pouring a bit of soil on your coffin. Yours!
You are still very much alive to me....  I find myself singing all those 'weird" gospel songs you used to play by Barorisi ba Morena , I grew into them, I guess. I even play them on youtube. Sometimes I just stare at that last photo of you that was taken from mom's 40th birthday celebration, in disbelief I keep hoping this was untrue. I've had so many dreams about you this week, each one different. Am I thinking about you a lot?

When I prayed for your wellness I told Daddy God how I wished for you to see me graduate at the end of this year, and that you would see my first car. I wish this was the case. But it is well!

I am happy to have seen you the day before you gave up your spirit.

I will miss how you always called me "pastor", and how your opinion of me had changed over the years.

Papa, ke a leboga. Ka go  gopola.
I miss you!

I wish I had not delayed these words.

I love you, now and always.



Blog, I have so much to share with you about my break, so much growth. But I feel exhausted, so I will expand on  another post.
But I plan on having regular posts this year.

All my love
WaJesu

Dont know anymore

Dear Boaz,

It has been a couple of weeks now, you've left me thinking still. Wondering ...
We had a nice memorial, everything just turned out well, yet it is in the silence and quietness of things that I think about you. I can safely say I sometimes understand why you did it, you know. I am kept wondering what the fall was like .. if only we could get answers after death. Yet I am kept wondering.
Enerst has been taking it badly, I think he is better now. Sister Eleanor's cakes helped. I've been spending some time with her family too. What a lovely bunch.

I know I havent blogged in a while. Well, I've been thinking... thinking a lot. Right now I am conflicted. Mostly wondering how you felt in your last moments. I keep seeing myself falling down the same stairs, I dont look at the staircase the same. The other day I stepped on water and it felt like blood. We miss you.
What conflicts me tonight? It goes way back, just happens to be on my mind tonight. Relationships! I feel used and abused, on top of it all  I feel bad for wanting to be treated well. Must go back to my upbringing ... let me not dwell on the past.

I honestly feel like I dont have friends. I wonder if that is how you felt most of the time. I do know a lot of people yes,  but .. it is not the same. Everything here with most people feels superficial. Is it too much to want some depth? That's all I have ever asked for. I am happy you knew the deeper things about me.

Have I let people define me? This is the one thing on my way. You know, feeling like you are fighting to be satiated with God's love but yet you just arent, and you dont even know why. It feels offensive when you know that you love God so much yet the way that people treat you and how they have previously treated you still has some bearing on who you are.

I feel numb, when it doesnt hurt anymore. I find it easy to walk out on "abusive" relationships ... but I am wondering, what is wrong with me? Why doesnt it hurt anymore? I'd be lying if I said "it is all because I am comforted by God". This is an uncomfortable kind of numbness. It started late May but deepened after the June-birthday drama. You know I havent been to church in almost 2 months, well- when I think about going I just dont see reason to. Am I wanting attention? Am I a drama queen? Well atleast that's what I have been told. I dont know what is going on, and yet I have to wake up to be everyone's strength.  I feel like my family wont understand me when I go back.

2013, what a year.

Gone but not forgotten ... love is as strong as death

Dear Boaz,

Love showers have flooded in from everywhere, thoughts about you to your family.

I address you as the living 'cause you'll forever live in our hearts. We miss you

Tribute 1

Boaz- a rich person
Rich with laughter
Rich with intelligence
Rich with love
Rich with character
Rich with humility
Rich with charm
Rich with laughter
A boy who we thought grew up too quickly,
But a boy with the character and spirit of Christ Jesus.
A boy any parent would desire to have as a son,
A boy any girl or boy would desire to have as a sibiling.
A boy who left an imprint in our lives.
Boaz Stephen Moore, you will never be forgotten.
Boaz Stephen Moore, you will always be loved.
Shalom to our boy, son and brother, Boaz Stephen Moore.

From: Brother Lunga, Sister Bridget and children

Tribute 2

Boaz, Where to start? There is so much to say about him and so few pages and time to do so… He was not only a small brother to us but a great friend. Whenever you were around him, you were always assured of a smile and an uplifted spirit. I remember his eyes would always twinkle with humour before he’d make a quick witted comment that would have you in stitches. His sweet gentle nature and spirit, made you want to be in his presence and share that inner calmness that he radiated. He always had a kind word to say about everyone and had a perpetual smile that had you smiling right back no matter how low you felt. He, at all times was gentleman and so much more matured than his age called for. This was apparent in the way he handled himself and approached life, his immaculate dressing, never would you find Boaz looking shabby, oh nO!

He was at all times so diplomatic in his ways, and we would affectionately tease him about it, yet he would always be so good-natured about getting poked fun at and was not shy to retaliate. O:) I have never in my life met someone with a bigger heart. I remember in Cape Town he would always be the one to bring the believer students in UCT together for sweet fellowship and a sweet music session. He was always so courteous to the rest of us who were not musicians, and he would humour us by playing the guitar and piano to accompany our growling and actually made us sound good! There was no chance for loneliness or feeling down whenever he was around. He was always one to sacrifice his time and energy to ensure everyone around him was happy and comfortable.

He would transport brethren who didn't have transport to church every Sunday morning and evening service as well as on Tuesday. Even with the demanding university schedule, he always put others needs before his own. Boaz was a gem and there will never be enough words to describe what a wonderful friend and brother that he was. Boaz, though gone to soon, we take comfort in knowing that you now rest in the bosom of our father.

We will miss you dreadfully, and even as our hearts break and sorrowful tears we shed, we take hope in knowing that we will soon meet again never to be parted. For Now, we say see you later...

From: Esther Njoki Migwi

Tribute 3

I remember one of our first encounters was when we went to the beach just when Boaz started at UCT. I always used to make fun of how he refused to remove his shoes and play in the sand and water like everyone else was doing – he was a true Joburg city boy. For those who think they are true gentleman, Boaz would definitely give you a run for that – he was a bespoke gentleman, always giving way to others before considering himself. He lived to love, and loved to give. No matter who approached him, he treated everyone with utmost respect and pure humility.

I remember how he loved going to church service on Tuesday evenings. I was in UCT for four years and rarely attended as I was always ‘studying’. He challenged me in many matters of faith, always putting the Lord first even when he had to do so alone.

As much as we were at UCT to study and get our degrees, Boaz took time to arrange fun activities for a few young people to do. He taught me to learn to love the beauties in life that we sometimes ignore when so busy pursuing materialistic things. He used to invite some of us for dinner at ‘Boaz’s’ he would say – afew people know that he was actually a good cook for a male. He really loved being with people of like mind and faith, sharing whatever he could with us and sharing the most funny stories with us.

He had a passion for music, especially the acoustic guitar! And the best thing about it was his humility with his great talent. The first time I heard him play I asked him why he didn’t want to go big with a music career – he told me that using his talent for the Lord was a big enough privilege.

Boaz always availed himself when I needed help, he would take time to listen and suggest solutions. He appeared stronger than many most times despite all the hardships he had gone through from losing the most important people in a child’s life – his parents. His maturity in many situations amazed me. He always seemed calm and his reassurance with his unique accent when he would tell me that “it will be well” always put a smile on my face.

Boaz, I will always cherish the memories of you that have all come back since your passing. I am left with very few answers to the question ‘why?’ because I know how many dreams and visions you had and how you wanted to continue your father’s legacy. I wish I could wake you up and ask you to live a little more. I still remember us jokingly laughing about how you would be my ‘unorthodox’ maid of honour. Now you are gone, and no one can replace you as a friend. You have left a void that will not easily be filled.  

My sincere prayer is that I see you on the other side, give you a big hug and spend a few thousand years laughing, singing and playing the guitar with you! You have given me one more reason to look forward to eternity.

From: Rebecca M’Marete

Tribute 4

My family and Boaz's family used to be close when we were younger (even before Boaz was born). He used to be very fond of my brother, Njabulo, when they were younger. In mid 2011 while studying at UCT I discovered that Boaz was also studying at UCT too doing his first year. We lived about 5mins away from each other so we would visit each other now and then and spend time playing music (as he loved music very much), socialising and sharing about The Word. I gave Boaz his first guitar lessons along with other young brothers from the Soweto assembly in 2007 if my memory serves me well. He has left us too soon. I will miss him very much and the great friendship we shared. My deepest condolences go to his Sisters Tsholo and Lerato and the rest of the family. May the Lord comfort and strengthen them at this time of bereavement! Shalom Bro Boaz.

From: Thando Mkhize

Tribute 5

Boaz was a jovial, lively, intelligent and generous guy. He was a fun loving person, always calm, but sometimes talkative. He had much more than we have, material wise, but was humble and never a show off.  He was very polite and courteous. I envied his English. I'm still traumatised and asking myself why. But God knows best. RIP my brother, your wonderful memories will live on. Your presence will be missed.

Anonymous

Tribute 6

Letter from your close friend Enerst and the gentleman of  Marquard residence (Your residence in 2012)

A wise man once said “The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good. “

Boaz Stephen Moore was a kind and caring person. He was always filled with joy and he had an uplifting spirit in him. Boaz was smart  and he wanted to progress with his studies so that one day he could  achieve his dream of becoming a CA. He was someone that we considered as a brother because he was always eager to give us a shoulder to lean on when we were having hard times. He was also a man of virtue and he lived a life where he always looked up to the Almighty God no matter what he was going through. We’ve never seen such a young person with so much fear and honor for God.

This news shocks us and we would like to believe this was all a dream.  We are left saddened and left empty by this calamity. Although we wish your goodbye came in a much peaceful way, we do accept that the Lord works in miraculous ways.

We would like to thank the Lord for giving us an opportunity to encounter you in our lives and we will forever treasure the memories that we made together.

Rest in peace and go well buddy, till we meet again.

Tribute 7

Letter from Ndzalama Hobyani who worked with you on the launch of your business venture at Liesbeeck Gardens (your home prior to your passing)

"My dear brother, super mate, awesome bud" that's what you use to call me. We just met this semester but we worked so closely in preparing the opening of the Liesbeeck cafe that .you owned with Nosi. I did not know that the jam session that we had on the 29th of August 2013 in your room was the last time that I would jam with a talented guitarist and pianist like you "buddy”, we recorded "malibongwe igama le Nkosi" in a jazzy way and our wardens were so impressed .

Neither did I know that the 2 minutes conversation that we had after our Taxation lecture on the 11th of September was the last time that I would talk to you in person.so the 12th came and when the whole incident happened I was so confused on what was going at res, I saw the CPS  securities  standing that side of your flat and I wanted to call you and ask what's going on, I did not call you because I thought you were sleeping buddy and I did not want to disturb but little did I know that you were having a deep sleep that will only come to an end when Jesus Christ come back. Rest in peace "my dear brother”. I will forever remember every moment we spent together.

Tribute 8

Letter from Sydney Mashini, your adopted son.

When you've learnt so much from someone to a point where you always asked for constant advise, it really is hard to utter any words when you hear such news about someone who has done beyond enough for you....His famous words were "Syd ma boi... Look at a specific goal u want to reach, one that would eat you up every day...that is the one thing that would lead you to success...mine is my father" I have learnt so much from you Boaz and I was deeply shuttered when i heard you were gone...now I won't have someone to tell me about how important his iPad is in my morning lectures...most of all the words from the bible that u always shared with me and Nozi on the front row...i know u r in a safe place now...and I will surely miss u buddy...thanks for bringing light in my life...i will always treasure what u taught me... 

Tribute 9

Letter from Thabang, the guy you had countless stimulating debates with.

Dear Boaz,

I never realised just how much your passing has affected me until I found myself frustrated by the fact that we havent even had a memorial service for you here but I am glad your family contacted me.

I can imagine what you would have said regarding the UCT red-tape; as frustrating as this may be, you would have been so calm.

There's so much that I wish I could say. Like, how could I have helped? Why didnt I see this coming ..but I have no regrets about telling you just how your Sotho accent sucks *smiles*. Remember that time when you said "Thabang ke hohlile" hahahaha, in your accent. It was so-o bad! Everytime I saw you I would keep asking gore o "hohlile na" but in your accent. Trust me to do that to you!

To think you were here, alive, last week this time. You know what I've been doing ever since I found out? Been spending my time wondering where you are now and what you are doing, and praying for your family.

I know just how important your family was to you, you wanted to continue you dad’s legacy, it was your Whatsapp status for DAYS. And your sister, you raved about her! She was your everything! I remember how you told me she did everything for you, you loved her. Unto death you loved her.

You know what I learnt from you? I noticed you had friends from all walks of life, you never played the ”safe Christian”, I remember  thinking and asking myself why you even associated with people that go clubbing and the like, and you said you wanted to open yourself up to love all people and reach all people, just like Jesus who befriended harlots and drunkards.

 I am gonna miss the debates in the Jammie, as for our long standing debate on Romans 11:29 – I stand by what I said, and just by the way- my arguments were right! But for the sake of peace, I’ll agree to disagree.  My laptop has lost its doctor, remember when it crashed and you fixed it chop-chop? Lol, duuude I would have incurred thousands. But you were there.

It saddens me to have to accept that the world will never have a taste of your business talents, and your wealth of knowledge. What you knew was beyond the book. Go-getter!

I know Sydney misses you too. Guess what, you managed to know both of us briefly before you passed. LOL, I forgot to tell ya, you know last year when you used to come to our room to get class notes (before you you got to know Syd),he used to make fun of your accent too. Hahaha.

We miss you, maybe more so because we know we won’t see you again. Sometimes I get so mad at ya, you know- for just leaving like that. You chose to!  I have so many thoughts about you- been trying to do the maths, but school helps me forget.

Good bye my friend

.... disappeared

Dear Boaz,

I never realised just how much your passing has affected me until I found myself frustrated by the fact that we havent even had a memorial service for you here; but I am glad your family contacted me.
I can imagine what you would have said regarding the UCT red-tape; as frustrating as this may be, you would have been so calm.

There's so much that I wish I could say. Like, how could I have helped? Why didnt I see this coming ..but I have no regrets about telling you just how your Sotho accent sucks *smiles*. Remember that time when you said "Thabang ke hohlile" ( " Thabang I have returned ") hahahaha, in your accent. It was so-o bad! Everytime I saw you I would keep asking gore o "hohlile na" but in your accent. Trust me to do that to you!
To think you were here, alive last week this time. You know what I've been doing ever since I found out? Been spending my time wondering where you are now and what you are doing, and praying for your family.

I know Sydney misses you. Guess what, you managed to know both of us briefly before you passed. LOL, I forgot to tell ya, you know last year when you used to come to our room (before you got to know Syd),he used to make fun of your accent too. Hahaha.

We miss you, maybe more so because we know we wont see you again. Sometimes I get so mad at ya, you know- for just leaving like that. You chose to!  I have so many thoughts about you- been trying to do the maths, but school helps me forget.

:-)

Farewell, goodbye ... so long

Dear Blog,

It's been a while since I wrote something down. I've been meaning to but I just never took the time out to do it. It's so sad that the only reason I'm even typing here tonight is because I am overwhelmed with emotion. About 2-4 hours ago I found out that one of my good mates committed suicide. He jumped off the 6th floor of our residence. Wondering how I feel? Well it's true what they say about death; it is a cheat! It is a thief. It feels like someone just broke up with me and I'll never get to see them again because they are never coming back.

Some thoughts on my friend Boaz, even as I type now I keep seeing pictures of him in my mind. Maybe it's the shock. Though he never came to my flat religiously, I keep hoping that he will knock on the door to tell me that it wasnt him that jumped; that this is just a misunderstanding. I know we were not the best of friends, but we took time out to talk. He was a great young christian man, everytime we were together we would engage in debates about the bible. We had varying views but we shared one common love for Jesus. His christian character came across in the way he lived his life. He was a kind gentleman. Ever so considerate. You know now in th background I'm playing "it gets easier" by Kandi featuring Faith Hill, I keep expecting him to show up to tell me that this is all ... just a silly mistake. *sigh*
                  He always seemed like such a level-headed christian, he was calm and reasonable. And he was the guy that in my eyes everyone could confide in. I mean I knew I could count on him whenever I knew he was able to help. It just doesnt make sense to me- i mean, I am the radical one here. People wouldnt be surprised if I went ahead and jumped off a building but Boaz ... Boaz is seemingly matured and responsible. I dont think any of us saw this one coming.

The last time I spoke to him was 2 weeks ago, on a Monday evening (2nd of September 2013). I remember the details so clearly. It was the evening before the launch of one of his business ventures: the Liesbeeck Hotspot, a cafe set to be a solution in a residence deeply in need. So we debated my new haircut as he made copies of the posters for the launch event. He said I was going through a phase because I had a mowhawk all of a sudden. *Laughs*. I remember just how I laughed at him, making fun of his glasses. I told him that he never noticed that I've been cutting my hair like that for about 2 years now because there's something wrong with his glasses. Then we went on to debate the prices for some of the products that the cafe would offer, I knew the prices had been long decided, yet it never stopped me from poking fun at him and making outrageous demands about the products I wanted them to sell (especially the low GI seeded brown bread). He always smiled at me, and calmly said  he would think about it. Ofcourse he impressed me when he mentioned that they'd be selling my favourite fizzy drink: Jive, the disagreement though started when he mentioned that they only had 500ml bottles at R8 and I asked him why would I buy it if I can buy a 2litre bottle at R11 somewhere else instead.
This was the last conversation I had with him. I saw him that night running from floor to floor, door to door slipping the posters under every door.

One thing I know  about Boaz that I believe was so personal to him was that he loved his dad. As far as I know he lost him a couple of years ago. He was a pastor's kid. I always made fun of this as we engaged in faith-debates. You could tell from spending time with him that he was from a church family 'cause his room was filled with so many musical instruments. He always mentioned how he wanted to keep his dad's legacy alive and how he loved his sister who was his everything. *Laughes*         I just remembered what he said to me 2 weeks ago, I mentioned that I noticed that he moved to a new flat and he said that I never visit, he even mentioned that the last time I visited him was when I took his piece of chicken when I found him cooking. My argument was simply to ask how I could have known that he was cooking.
I think Boaz and I have some much in common, since I met him in 2011 I noticed just how he is there for everyone. I was just never sure if he had someone he could confide in. He always appeared strong. The pillar of other men. But who was his pillar? I share this in common with him. Not that people do not avail themselves to talk to us, just that sometimes we do not know how to tell people about our challenges when we are so used to being so strong for others. Last thing you want to do is worry your family especially when you are a thousand kilometres away from home in Cape Town. Am I saying I condone what he did? No. I am just acknowledging why he may have done it. Like me, perhaps that was his way of "dealing with it himself" because he had to be strong for so long.

When I first met him in first year (2011), we were in an Ecoz lecture in the Beattie building, we were discussing Christianity when he introduced himself: Boaz. I asked him what it meant, he told me. I totally forgot, however, what I always remembered was that it was a character from the bible. A week later he had forgotten that he had met me, so he always referred to me as "bud" every time I greeted him .*Laughs*, classic Boaz style with the fancy accent.   It is interesting that he did this now in our 3rd year when we are doing yet another Ecoz course at Beattie. When ever I saw him in the lecture venue this year I'd call out and he would always say: "Hey Thabang, howzit bud/mate?" in classic Boaz style.


Rest in peace my friend. Boaz Moore

 

A thought on mistakes

Greetings from the month of August,          

Hope you are being strengthened in Love.

Today, I had the honor of lying in bed and reflecting. Now I don't get to do this every day and on some occasions I start and end up not knowing where I started from. Perhaps what was different this time was that I had a definite purpose for the reflection. I wanted to know how I had (have) ended up as I have: a "loving" christian who has closed himself up to some things and some people.
I am sure your alarm bells are already going off, you probably feel that guilt and conscience were attacking me. Perhaps that may have been the case, nonetheless, I am grateful I had this quiet time.

I began my reflection by identifying those events in my life when and where I was certain I was at the right place at the right time meeting the right people. I could identify 5 occasions. Wow- I was blown away! Then I began to wander off the "well had this not happened and had that not happened perhaps this relationship would have been better" way and the typical "sometimes I wish I had never met you yet I am certain I was meant to meet you", followed by the routine: "oh why did I meet you, some times it feels like I messed your life up"; obviously this one had to come up "who's life also have I messed up? Had they not met me maybe they would be doing better". Then the one that apparently seals the deal "shoot me!Shoot me!".

Before spiraling further into a desolate state I decided to return to the main question I had asked myself: how did I get here? How did I get so hurt? How did I end up believing that closing my heart in and shutting off my feelings was a long-term solution?
By the way I didn't just get my heart broken, so to answer your question: No I do not have a box of tissues or a tub of ice-cream next to me( although I would like to, the ice-cream part that is LOL)

Often we are told that mistakes are "okay" and that they are part of growth. I am not refuting that. I just realized, however, that sometimes the best growth plan includes listening. Just listening! I was surprised to just think about all the mistakes I would have avoided had I listened to the Holy Spirit and not reacted emotionally and out of excitement. When it dawned on me that when we are continually aware of what He is saying we can never set a foot wrong.

Yeah, mistakes lead to growth but at what cost? Mistakes have a cost nonetheless! A broken heart, a lost soul which could have been saved ... and so much more. Maybe this is the right time for me to openly refute growth through mistakes. I believe from today that growth routes from the Word of God, as we relate to Him and we pay attention to Him and walk with Him. There's no way we can walk in distraction or destruction. Jesus said: He shall remind you of all my teachings. Paul said " I commend you to the Word of God Who is able to build you up ..."

Just a final thought: It turns out that when Jesus spoke of the Holy Spirit He kept referring to Him as being One of the same kind as Him (Jesus). So the Holy Spirit is to us what Jesus was to the disciples. Hallelujah!

** Pictures courtesy of Luke Akal

Christianity versus religion

“According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue: Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust” (2 Peter 1:3-4).

God has positioned you for victories. However, in order to live the transcendent and glory-life He has called you to and positioned you for, your outlook on life must be from the perspective of His Word. You must live in the light of His Word and cease to observe situations like an ordinary man.

God has already done all that’s necessary for you to experience victories here in the earth. But sadly, many Christians still make the mistake of waiting for Him to do something about their situation. Some even say they’re waiting for Him to take them to the Promised Land – that good and prosperous place, flowing with milk and honey. What such folks haven’t realized is that in the mind of God they’re already in the Promised Land! They got there the moment they were born again. In other words, they are already positioned in the best place they could ever be, having already come on to Mount Zion (Hebrews 12:22). They’ve been positioned in the place of victories.

Observe again these inspiring words from our opening scripture: According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue. This is not a promise, but a statement of fact; a present-hour reality. You received the life and nature of God the moment you were born again and immediately, you were positioned for the glorious life of victory. Everything you require to live that victorious life to the full has already been granted you.

So when God looks at you He doesn’t see a weakling who’s struggling to make it through life. Rather, He sees one who is more than a conqueror; who’s been endued with the dynamic ability to effect changes in the circumstances of life. Sickness, poverty, defeat and failure are unnatural to the child of God. Ordinary men may be susceptible to all these influences, but you have been positioned for the glory-life; a life of victory through the Word.

Finally, when you get up everyday, thank the Lord for positioning you for this life of victories, and also for granting you everything you require to excel and live victoriously in the earth to the glory of His Name. As you live according to the revelation of His Word today, you’re lifted above this world and the decadence therein, into the realm of glory and victory that He planned for you from the foundation of the world. This is how to consistently experience the victories of Christ in your life. Glory to God!

 (Thought for the day obtained from Yookos and picture taken by Luke Akal)

oh what He's done for me, I am gonna tell everyone of what He has done for me.

oh the Lord has been so good. Actually dear blog, I do not like using such expressions. I prefer saying: the Lord IS good.

It has been an amazing couple of weeks. I know I have been quiet for  a while,in fact my last entry was on the night of my birthday. I wish I had put down more on that night but the excitement and the festivities of the day had worn me out and I resolved to rest instead. It was a beautiful time. I am so grateful.

What have I been up to?
Where to even begin ...

Well as you know the weekend of my birthday was actually the beginning of the varsity vacation. I spent the winter break in Cape Town doing a month long course in Company Law (actually the results just came out yesterday, and they were so distinct).  I love the winter here, my philosophy is simply: be as close to the London weather as possible.The wind, the rain and the dark clouds turn me into a "toasted coconut marshmallow" anytime. Cape Town definetely gets the tick. Perhaps it's the romance associated with the weather *smiles*, or the idea (fed to us by American movies) of cuddling up to a blanket on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate ( or rooibos in my case). Whatever the motivation, cuddle I did. I would say I spent most of my break watching series and movies. Ofcourse I was able to fit in some study time as well as that awesome road trip with Lukey. Good times I tell you!

Looking back on the break that has now gone by so fast I can easily say: I had a great time. I have some great lessons in-scripted somewhere on my mind. Important of which is the lesson of respecting time. Time is indeed a commodity, the time we have to spend with  people should be spent in love because we may not get the opportunity again.The bible speaks of "...redeeming the time..."  (Ephesians 5:16). Using time effectively is so vital particularly in these last days, people need to hear about these good news of what Jesus has done. These good news have to be taken to the ends of the earth.

Despite having enjoyed spending time watching series and movies, these thoughts about using time effectively began to help me reconsider how I use mine time, and the things I choose to invest it in. I began to reflect on the form of information I expose myself to (and its source), and how it affects me. During mid-week service Pastor made a profound statement, she said: "the only adjustment we need to make for success is to change the source of our information" . We spend our life time feeding on information.

With this knowledge in mind I was inspired to do an 8-week course with my church known as Foundation School , which seeks to teach the foundational truths on the New Life we received when we were born again. This has been my 3rd week in the programme and I can say just reading through the manual and making use of the prescribed material has been so life changing. I would equate it to being catapulted to another level in the spirit realm, making strides in the spiritual realm.

I have learnt so much about what I have received from the God through Christ. Jesus didnt just die! He was raised from the dead. And I have a new life in Him, I was not reformed. I am a new man, I have anew life. The old man (me) died with Christ and I was raised to a new life. I am alive to God! Hallelujah!

Oh what he has done for me ...  I am gonna tell everyone of what He has  done for me.

Every good gift

Today I turned 21, and might I say it has been the best birthday I have ever had.
How does it feel?
Unfortunately for you I  have not taken time to nurture that innate "age-feeling meter" that I suppose Oprah and every American woman in their mid-60s appear to possess. So I will not even attempt to use many words to express the feeling. They fail. It feels good.

I am really grateful. I remember writing to one of my friends yesterday saying: " I do not know how God can top this but I know He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever ask or think".

I am grateful for the gift of friendship and the gift of time. I am grateful for the gift of the journey of life. I was so overwhelmed with joy this morning when I received a text from one of the ladies I went to high school with because year after year despite time and space  she has never forgotten my birthday. Truly I am grateful.