Crazy, stupid, love

A fell again.

It's true I carry my heart on my sleeve. Repeatedly I have said: in this world he who loves looks weak. I guess I always look and feel weak in these things, cause goodness I keep caring. The lover always seems vulnerable, and the loved- a man of great strength. It's so funny, I have always sought to be " the loved " but very often I have found myself deeply entrenched in the shoes of " the lover ". I wonder, is it destiny or a path of my own creation?

Yup, you guessed it ; there is someone. You know when you don't know what you want from them yet you still wanna be with them,in their company kinda vibes? That's how I feel! But then again I've felt this way before. There was a time I tried to get myself to stop caring but even that fails me.

The silence is the most painful. I wanna have conversations, night long conversations. I wanna play pool, and go on a drive. But silence is all I have.
It's always interesting to me that initially people try to woo you, make promises and stuff then suddenly change their tune. I'm left wondering .... Even wondering about myself.

I brought this one on myself anyway. This pain I caused myself. I broke your heart first. I understand that in your world you don't forgive easily but simply block people out , write them off.  Perhaps this is the reason it hurts more, because in my world we forgive freely; believing that it is the greatest gift one could give themself. So my expectations and hopes were never met when you shut me out.

Yet I love you the same.

It was never about how you look
You've had better days, but even with your lumps, bumps and speed humps I still love you.
It was always about your personality, your drive, gosh you're sexy!
And your laughter
And your language expressions
Haha
The " yaga " s and " wa bona "s
It was all about that.
The conversations we had
And how they made me feel.

I may never have fully explored my feelings for you but I'm confident I felt stuff for you.
I may not be sure what I wanted with you
But I'm sure I wanted you in my life
Even just as a friend.

When I look in the direction of your home
My heart breaks at the thought of what we have lost.

In this short time I've seen your heart
You are so kind
And you give.
But you are also scared.
You hide it all too well,
With the laughter and seemingly 'bold' statements that are very clearly dressed up in fear.
You run to protect your heart.
Just like me 2 years ago.
Afraid to be hurt, refusing to love freely.

You are still amazing.

It's true that I carry my heart on my sleeve.
You and many others have taught me the greatest love lesson.
That he who loves is the greatest
'Cause love goes hand in hand with maturity.
So no, I will not delete your number
Or block you off Facebook.
I love you the same.
Love is great strength.

Suitcases&travels: Friends, Ice-cream and New York City

Dear Diary,

I hope all is going well for you. Yes, it has been a second hey. I just haven't made the time to write, although I had been thinking about it and planning to do it soon. But here I am.

Since we last spoke a lot has happened, mostly positive and mostly developmental.  I had the absolute honor of taking part in the Investec Work-Readiness programme for a week in Jo’burg towards the end of June. And although mother Jo' refused to keep us warm, the experiences of the week left such a highlighted mark on my life in 2014. I am filled with so much gratitude, not only because this was an all-expenses paid trip, and ofcourse I’m also happy that I got to walk away with a free digital camera. But it was all about intention for me, attending workshops that sought to get me thinking a little deeper about my career and where the intent was clearly to open up my eyes to opportunity all around. I am forever changed. You know when you feel like the timing of something was divinely perfect? That’s how I felt! Everything I needed to hear, to have affirmed about myself was shared in the fancy Sandton walls of Investec Asset Management.

I never told you what I got for my birthday, and you know I’m gracefully the ‘bargain queen’ in that I just always happen to end up at a store with a special. So for my birthday this year I got a new phone, a Sammy S4 Active, and I’m really enjoying it. A lot of people always ask who got me the gift and I always have the same answer: “If no one does it for you, DIY!” We are often guilty of making people responsible for our own happiness, depending on them for the best experiences of our lives. No! No! Again I say no! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to cancel dinner plans or ice-cream dates when I really wanted to go. Somehow I feel like our generation is not comfortable with spending time with itself, I can’t remember the last time I went on a ‘me date’. We are so consumed with spending time with people, and sharing our lives on social media; giving the impression that everything about us is rosy. I am guilty! Ofcourse people are beautiful, but we must get comfortable with ourselves first. Enjoying ourselves, our own company. I’d like to be a bit more comfortable in the quietness and stillness of my life.

I have found that although social media is an excellent networking tool, it can also make one focus on what they don’t have and apparently what they ‘need’, and it is so easy to suddenly feel discontented with one’s life.  I miss the days of genuine friendships, days of conversations under the sun on the green lawns by the water streams. I miss the days when the desire to pack up and travel wasn’t fuelled by the need to meet people who could care more and the desperate desire to forget the people who care less, days when we desired to explore the world and to run the streets of New York City like kids after an ice-cream truck.

Diary, I guess what I have learnt over the past few weeks is that nothing material could fill the need for good relational love. Genuine relationships. People who care, building each other up until the coming of Christ. To this day I still seek such relationships, but like Kim Burrel said “ it is impossible to love without patience “. So maybe, just maybe I need to be content with what I have, embracing the relations I have and enjoying what I am getting- patiently.

Yours in the pursuit

T

Some Whitney reality

About 3 days ago I had my birthday, and for the first time in my life I had an exam on the same day. When I became aware of this a couple of months ago, I completely 'crossed' it out of my mind. I mean what was I to do? My exam schedule was as follows:  Monday 9 June at 17h00, and Tuesday 10 June also at 17h00. Last thing I wanted to think about was a birthday. Although, I have never cared much about having a big do on my birthday. As you already know I like keeping things simple, I am not ready for the 'speech-speech' spotlight pressures. So I prefer staying indoors, the winter weather in Cape Town is perfect, perhaps get a few snacks, turn my phone off and contemplate on life. Might even fit in a movie in between. Ag, you know I've always had this weird dream of me and 'the one' snuggling up to a movie on the couch with some hot-chocolate (under perfect Cape Town winter weather conditions). Needless to say, I hate hot chocolate, and chocolate (sometimes). I am a seasonal chocolate-eater. But what can I say? That is the bit that America has fed us, we all wanna be 'in the movies'. Being our very own Julia Roberts.That dream seems like the perfect sight.  Speaking of Julia Roberts, I was recently induced to watch a clip of the  'say a little prayer for you ' scene from her 1998/1999 box-office hit: My  bestfriend's wedding. This scene felt fitting considering all the crazy ideas that people have been feeding me about one of my good friends. I don't even wanna go into details.

#ThrowBack2011

Something really special happened on this birthday. I can't say what it is, but I know what it feels like; growth. Maturity. I felt it come upon me. This sudden consciousness that I am now 22. For most of this year I kept insisting that I was turning 18, but when that day came I couldn't care less about being 18. I loved being 22. I appreciated being 22. I noted the beauty of growth, an opportunity to measure myself up against who I want to be. I received amazing messages and calls, but a couple things stood out for me on this particular day; I received an sms from one of my good friends and she said " Thabang, may God grant you the grace to achieve things that according to the world, people your age cant achieve.". That is powerful right thurr! And then I learned something about love, again. I laugh at myself every time these 'love lessons'  happen. So I, for some odd reason, decided to browse through X's instagram 'cause it had been a while.  And it appears it was his friend's birthday over the weekend, and they went out. He looked great! Dressed in black and all, looking so good. Uhm he cut his hair. I care so much about the hair situation 'cause that is one of the things we spoke about, it's my favourite look of him. But when we met he was doing the whole afro-hair thing. For a moment I felt a little sad, then mad. I thought to myself: how can he look so good? How can he look so happy? How come he's moved on? I really felt this jealousy come over me, oh but my Whitney- my good old Whitney hit me. I was reminded of one of the self-consolation songs I sang to myself a while back after the break up, the particular line that says: " I hope life treats you kind, and I hope... you have all you dreamed of. And I wish you joy ... and happiness. But above all these, I wish you love ... ". And that was the crux of the lesson for me. I had no reason to be mad anymore, 'cause indeed that song summed up my feelings about him. Another friend recently told me that I bring all these 'guys' to the altar (closer to God). Looking back, I think I actually do. We laughed about it. Although a seemingly beautiful thing, I'm just not sure that's how I want people to end up knowing God.

The highlight of my birthday was what happened later that evening. After I had done something special for him, one of the guys who stays on the streets of Mowbray looked me in the eyes and said "God bless you brother". And I heard God. There was that genuine beauty in his voice. That blessing was calm and reassuring. I knew right there and then that I had been blessed indeed.

The judgement of love is not on one action but rather on a series of actions. Love is consistent.

Here's to a year of growing in love

T

I hope you dance

I'm not the type of guy to watch a movie or an episode of anything more than once, unless ofcourse it's Glee or High School Musical. In fact I find very few movies 'worth' repeating. I remember growing up to some good tv, my weekends were always jam-packed with movie dates with myself. Starting out with Craze-Fridays at 14h30, then being mesmerized by the the cheesy yet well-intended Saturday afternoon and evening movies on etv. Those were the days! I'd go as far as saying that the people of my generation probably had the best upbringing. 

My all time favourite movie has got to be the 1988 classic: Bettlejuice ( link to the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hovKm9oFiM) . I can't say why. I just fell in love with the movie. I actually haven't seen it in years, so I can't recall details , but I know it starts off with a newly-wedded couple dying in a car accident. Don't freak out just yet- it is wasn't horrific. You might actually find their death quite funny.  I guess this saying is true: "They may not remember what was said (the details), but they will remember how it made them feel ". Puts to words my feelings about this movie.

The reason I'm writing is 'cause over the past few days I've had this strong urge to watch some good Tyler Perry movies. So that has been the mission. This evening I have been watching : The family that preys. 
During one of the scenes the characters discuss the journey of life, whilst in the background a beautiful song by Lee Ann Womack titled " I hope you dance " plays.


I thought I would share the lyrics:

I hope you never lose your sense of 

wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance                                                                     
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance
I hope you dance
(Dance)
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
(Dance)
Where those years have gone
(Dance)

Yours in the dance

T

To love again, to laugh again

This picture puts to words how I feel  now, and where I am in my life at the moment. It feels like spring already. Everything is beautiful. Feels great to laugh, love and live again. I feel  like a child, going after my dreams aggressively.
There are a couple of exciting projects in the pipeline. I can't 'spill the tea' just yet. But I am grateful to God, the other day I was pondering on one of my philosophical reflection-induced statements: " every attempt is a journey ". I see myself back on the faith walk. Living for the glory of God.

Hope you are having a grand week and a great life.

Yours in love, laughter and life
T

Update: Winter Break

Okay, I intend on making this a short post 'cause I've been up since around 1h30ish and it is now just after 5am and I have to be ' up ' at 6h30.

It has been an interesting couple of days. The 'winter break' is still on.
Day 1 of the 'retreat' was so challenging. I made a few mistakes. I suppose the greatest challenge for me was the dealing with and accepting the sudden silence of the world. The sudden absence of a traffic of Whatsapp  messages streaming in, and 'mourning the loss' of not being able to view and like other people's posts on Facebook; atleast for the time being. For a moment it did feel lonely. I was even drawn back to thinking about ... well I had still been thinking about the whole experience and where we ... I am.

I haven't started working out yet though I have started the diet again. Last night I had my first 'vegetarian supper' evening. I had been planning to have one since early March, but for some odd reason I had always been craving meat, good meat. So I managed to convince myself that I had to have a lot of meat. Perhaps the whole point is not giving your body  what it wants. Maybe it is about giving it what it needs. And I suppose that is what I am learning. Having that degree of self-control and dominance over your body. It starts out, as Joyce Meyer would say, with teaching yourself not to have that extra-chocolate cookie when you know very well that you are full. Surprisingly, I really enjoy the vegetarian meal. I made a nice Indian-inspired spicy vegetable and bean soup. I hope I didn't enjoy it solely on account of the winter.

An original by LoveShowers

Actually, the reason I am writing is 'cause I wanted to share some thoughts from my campus trip this morning. I was inspired. I realised today that I am well taken care of. That I do not need to carry any care in the world. You  know the Bible says God has said He knows the plans He has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans to give us a hope and a future. If you read this verse in Jeremiah in another bible version your will discover that God said that He knew what He was doing. Wow! That is beautiful. To know that He knows what He is up to. Consider this together with the fact that He has said that He causes ALL things , that is everything, to work together for the good of all those who love Him and are called according to His will and purpose. I now understand (to some degree) what people mean when they say " I am a love child of a love God". I am so grateful. There's so much to be grateful for. So many many reasons to say " Thank You".

Today in the bus on my way to campus I realised that we all have an individual journey, our own way, our own path. Carved by God, in  love for us. For each one of us, individually. It says that He planned in love for us. I realised that there's no reason to for me to compare myself and my journey with that of another. Our journeys are not the same. That sometimes you need to extend the duration of your degree so that the right and perfect post-graduate programme and funding specifically (and personally) for you can be designed. Just for you. And that, though you started out with many, it is okay when you each take a different path 'cause the journeys are all different. So the issue is holding on  to God and fixing your eyes on the big prize, that is- being all that He has planned for you to be.

Finally I realised what God was saying when He inspired me to say " God will give you a dream much bigger than your place of birth ."

Yours in growing awareness
Thabang

" The plan ", My vision for life, " The God plan "

                So I'm on what I call the 'winter break'. Don't ask! Me and my craze ideas again.

The rainy winter season setting in, Cape Town ( 17 May 2014), an original by Thabang Molapo

 Growing up, I would always have these craze 'retreat' programmes, the ' 12 days of cleansing ' programme,where I would abstain from doing certain 'things' I would rather not disclose on here. The 'week of gratitude' programme, when I would spend a whole week every month pondering on the things I was grateful for, and attempting to avoid complaining. Needless to say that the worst and most infuriating events would creep in during that week. The devil is a liar! Many more programmes came and went and so I became more aware of myself.

I am grateful for all these experiences.

 If there's one thing I do not regret, it would have to be learning to take some time out to myself, just to think. It was during those quiet moments that I discovered my values. I recall going on ice-cream dates with myself at Kfc in Claremont during my first year, during which I would always have to pretend to be busy on my phone whilst in reality I was deep in thought. I figured that this strategy would make me seem 'normal' lest I be accused of talking to myself and being a little 'cray-cray'. How things have changed. Back then I used to eat ice-cream. With every date I discovered myself a little more, my vision for life becoming even clearer. I swear I could touch it at some point. It had become my reality.
I can't say what happened. That doesn't even matter. All that matters is that I am taking the time out to bring myself back to that state of mind, and even further.

After moping around the whole day (today) and watching sad movies in the dark just to make myself feel even worse in my state of self-pity, I decided to get up and clean my room. No, literally! Whenever my room is a mess, I feel like everything else around is a mess. So I got up and cleaned all around. It was during this time that I realised that in the midst of 'everything ' that was happening, I lost sight of  my vision for life. I forgot why I came here in the first place. I had forgotten all my values and the things once so dear to me.I realised that maybe everything else was falling apart because ... maybe like I said in 09 during my presidential election speech: " those who stand for nothing fall for anything ", and perhaps I, now, suddenly stood for nothing.

Over the past few weeks I have been asking myself some tough questions like, do I still believe the same? Do I have values? If I do, why do I continuously act the way I do? After all, as Jim Rohn says, " values have a cost ". Notice that in the paragraph above I highlighted I and me, this is because I believe that it is my fault that I am in the state I am in today. It is the decisions that I made that brought me here, the words that I spoke, all  mine. I had the responsibility to watch over my heart and mind, over my friendships and over my actions. It was all me.

Only God is responsible for me, even then- His responsibility is limited to to how much of Him I am willing to embrace. So He holds me responsible for my joy and success because He has made available to me everything good thing I could ever need to live a glorious life through the death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ. But, His responsibility is only limited to how much of Him I am willing to embrace. So then, it follows that it is my responsibility to embrace Him.

I have decided to work on a 5 year plan. I am trying to keep it simple and specific. Tonight I managed to work of my year 1 plan, which is 2014:

I call 2014 my year of graduation. This of course coincides with my graduation from my undergraduate degree programme which is taking place at the end of the year. But I also believe that this is the year in which I will graduate from childish things to a state of maturity in all parts of my life. Even more so in  my spiritual and social life.
The focus for the year is self development in every respect:

Spiritually: 
Goals include: Living fully for God and truthfully before Him.Contentment, peace and quietness, living in and for love
HOW? Church, fellowship with the brethren, personal fellowship and knowing the Word for myself.

Socially: 
Goals include: Building good and healthy relationships. Firstly with  myself, then with others. Working a bit more on the 'outer man' as well (looking&smelling good)
Getting my licence at end of October 2014
HOW? Taking responsibility for my feelings and acknowledging that the power is in my hands
Rewriting my learners and getting contacts from Phindi about the driving instructor before 15 June 2014 ( setting a reminder on my phone for 11 June 2014)

Commercially:
Goals include: Tithing consistently, saving and giving freely. Valuing time and investing in projects I believe in. Adding value to myself and developing into a rare commodity for any business (organisation).
HOW? Exploiting every opportunity for a scholarship, internship or work experience programme. Applying even when I am not eligible.
Reading and fostering a culture of reading. Taking time to be informed about the world and commerce, this will  include reading 2 business news articles per day.
Managing my time well and continuously finding ways of studying and  working better. Using up every opportunity at work to acquire more skills.
Applying to be sub-warden next year and being ready for the interviews

Health:
Goals include: Taking care of my 'earthly home'. Drinking lots of water, getting enough rest, eating well ( keeping to my diet and meal plans), working out
HOW? Blood-type based diet has proven to have great results to date, being consistent in it and not succumbing to pressures from friends. Drinking lots of water, working out 5 times a week (with Tuesdays being my kickboxing days). Consistency!!!

Academically:
Goals include: Graduating in 2014, being eligible for honours in 2015 and getting funding for 2015
HOW?
Putting in the work. Learning as opposed to cramming. Using up the resources, lecture videos, consultations, study groups. Be more than a A+ student, combine theory with reality. Do seen tuts, read!!!!!

This is my action plan. I intend to review my success weekly and to update my goals regularly. In my efforts to be more accountable to myself, I will  blog about my progress weekly. I know it will not be easy,but it is more important to me that I attempt to cultivate these good habits than fearing to fail. So I will give it a try.

I had an epiphany during the week, I have had the prestigious honour of tutoring Accounting 1 with the College of Accounting at UCT for my second year now ( how I got the post is another testimony), and I am so excited to find that I am still learning whilst teaching. Comparing how I taught some of the course content last year with this year helped me see that indeed " when we know better, we do better ". So we learn that we may move forward. I guess this is to say that we should not regret any experience we have ever had, despite the pain. With some situations you might just be learning how to smell even better.

This 'winter break' is the equivalent of a social media 'sabbatical'. I'm taking a bit of time off Facebook and Whatsapp to focus on other things and other parts of my life. I would like to take more photos and read a bit more. I would like to have more friendly face to face conversations. To write my exams without distractions. I would like to enjoy my pots, to cook warm meals and welcome people into my home. I wanna take a little time to add more value to myself and in order to do this I'll require a bit of a break from the traffic of social media. I am hoping to be back for the spring, but for the moment, this seems perfect. 

I am grateful for these quiet moments. This is my only opportunity to ask myself if I am being truthful and true to what I believe. This is the time I use up to question my motives. This is the time that keeps me.

I hope reading this has helped you as much as the writing brought healing to me.

Yours in making progress
Yours in love more
Thabang

That thing you do with your forehead :-)

There were days when I would ask myself, what if lines were cut off today?
What if Facebook wasn't working, Whatsapp. What if there was a whole internet shutdown?
What if cellphones weren't working anymore?
I thought to myself, how would I find you? I've never even been to your house.
I pictured myself roaming the streets of Khayelitsha
Seeking you
Hoping to run into someone who might know where you reside.
Ironic isn't it?
Very!
Here I am.
Totally cut off from you.
Cut off from 'us'
From each other
Though phones are working, the Internet is fine.

I miss the giggles,
your eyes.
The tickles. The childishness. The quietness.

I saw your post the other day, you said:
" someone please buy me wine gums "
And your friends said you were acting 'child-like',
You said: " I feel like saying 'thank you' "
I thought that was beautiful.
I could have bought you a pack.

I'm totally in love with you

Guy who puts up with  my craze diet,
my craze life
with or without dimples
you made me love you.
Umuhle saan!

I miss everything
even that thing you do with your forehead
I miss you
:-)

An encouragement to keep sowing

So earlier this evening I had a conversation with  a friend on Facebook. See below:

A few minutes later Nandi inboxed me the following:

Nandi: 

"so the love I was talking about is not the romantic love or anything like that...I've just been receiving gifts from friends...one friend in particular bought me a beautiful gold watch,a painting and took my out today...noone has ever done that for me...I hardly go out...I'm always the one hosting visitors but today I felt really appreciated for all the good things I do for other ppl...it was just humbling to see someone go out of their way to me happy...I literally cried my friend...I just cudn't help it..I got very emotional about it...u shud have seen me "

Me: "HAhahahhaha, This is so beautiful. Scripture speaks truth: Do not grow weary of doing good FOR IN DUE TIME ... aaaahh, that is so encouraging  "
" thank you for sharing "

Nandi: " I'm still speechless...I've been in Cape for more than 5 yrs my frnd...n have never been to Trenchtown in Obz for supper...hahahahaahahha ...i only go to KFC n McDonald's hhahahahaha..I guesss it's true what they say:ther's always a first time for evrything "

With the lot that goes on in our lives; to hear Nandi say this was as refreshing as a glass of ice-cold water on spring's afternoon. So encouraging! We keep giving and giving, people taking and taking. This can be very discouraging, but tonight as I read through Nandi's testimony, I remembered the scripture encouraging us not to grow weary in  doing good for IN DUE SEASON we shall reap a harvest, only if we do not grow weary. The Word is truth.

I have just had to accept that I have a ministry of love. It doesn't take much for me to care and to want to know someone better. Only I would be bothered 'cause every time I walk past Baxter Theater that artistic man (who's always roaming the streets) seems to talk to everyone except me. Oh what joy when eventually I had a conversation with him. Such a lovely soul. He even walked me to res. Only I would be excited when the res security guard recognizes and greets me. I value people. It is easy to love. I love, I trust. It is my nature. It isn't the easiest thing to  accept 'cause in a romantic relationship you always want the other person to 'love' you more, you want them to say ' I love you' first. Ironic that love has been viewed as a sign of weakness. Yet Paul said ' love is the most excellent way' and ' the greatest of these is love '. I am accepting that the 'lover' has the upper-hand and is more matured. Perhaps I should start just living out my nature. It is who I am after all.

As happy as I am for Nandi, I think I do not like being appreciated. Well, atleast not publicly. I think I would pull a Julia Roberts- 1999 Runaway bride performance. Like I did in 09. It was right after I found out I was the academic student of the year, I was so overcome with emotion that I took the award without uttering a word and made a run for it. I don't remember how I got there, but the next thing I remember was standing outside one of the teacher's cars, tears streaming down my face. Maybe I didn't want people to see? I had to always have my brave face on in high school. Loving comes more easily to me than being loved. I don't know why. It is more difficult to accept that someone can possibly love you than it is it to comprehend why you love them. I sometimes wonder why people enjoy hanging out with  me, or why they have good things to say (if they do). I don't quite get it. Maybe this is part of my journey? Maybe one day I will be able to acknowledge that I am lovable. That has kind of been the issue with God- letting His love be enough. Self-worth issues, well I think I've made tremendous progress. There was a time when I wouldn't accept gift 'cause I didn't think I was good enough. True what they say, Jesus is the expert mindset changer. These days I love me some gifts. But it still remains, I do not think I would appreciate a surprise birthday party. There's a reason I don't go big on  my birthday, there's a reason I do not host big dinner parties, I guess I'm not ready to have that spotlight on me yet. I think I am still comfortable being a guest.  I am not ready for the pressures of "speech speech". I'm still very comfortable to let my actions speak for themselves.

There's hope though. I like little things. Little things matter to me, like a letter, like a hug, like a call, like an 'I miss you, you are important to me' text. There's hope. I still have that crazy image of you outside my res, then you call me to tell me you are outside. Surprise visits. Now those I enjoy. I still go crazy thinking about you possibly insisting on visiting 'cause you miss me. I still have those crazy visions about us talking a walk on the beach around winter time, me with sandals in  my one hand and coffee in the other (though I do not like coffee much). It's the walks, the quietness of the company, the good sighs and the loud laughs. Those matter. The little things.

Don't you see? I am not that complicated. Capitec Bank got it: 'simplicity is the ultimate sophistication'.

PahPah-God twists my arm real good. He plays around with the weather and I love it.

So I am filled with  hope, though now for a while it may seem like my seeds of love produce no fruit, yet IN DUE TIME as I wait expectantly, with joy- I know that every seed has the potential of producing fruit. And it will.

Yours in growing love
T

Weird epiphanies

"There are three things to leave behind: your photographs, your library, and your personal journals. These things are certainly going to be more valuable to future generations than your furniture!" -- Jim Rohn

It's almost 3am. I have a bottle of water next to me, and right next to it- a glass of Fanta Orange. My room doesnt look its 'everyday glorious', but it's still, by all means, very neat. About 15 minutes ago when I woke up for a quick bathroom visit and a glass of water I heard 2 seemingly Xhosa guys laughing loudly outside the building. Probably getting back from a night out, although they didn't look drunk. Who would want to walk the streets drunk this late anyway? Just a day ago I was like them, only returning home roundabout this hour after a 'wild' night out. Now if you know me, you'll know that I am often referred to as a 'bore' by my worldly friends 'cause for some reason my idea of a 'night out' seems to be very different from theirs. Though, I will say that some of them may be partially proud of the limits I pushed and the 'progress' I made last night. 

You know, I am glad no one really reads this blog. I feel like I had become such a self-judgemental writer. Holding back and fearfully refusing to type out some things 'cause I figured people were watching. Even if they were; this is like a journal thing. A safe space where I can share thoughts about life; my life- with  myself. The only difference is that it is online and anyone can access it. 

I enjoy reflecting on things and I use up a lot of time thinking about and through things. I think up a lot. Even last night, loud as the music was in the club and despite the consistent effort of the flashing lights to try give me a headache, yet- even in those moments I was still  thinking; asking myself questions. How did I get here? Seriously, how did I get here? Looking at my life I notice that I have been on a downward spiral for the past 3 years. It is clear to me what causes it, and yet here I am. I just had my last sip of the Fanta.

Once again last night I was on a quest to get myself hurt after someone did me wrong. Self-pity is the worst! I wanted a hook-up, I wanted a kiss- just a kiss. It felt like the only thing between my then current state and my then future 'being over the ex' state. I was convinced I'd feel so much better afterwards. I could feel my heart hurting, literally in pain. For those who do not believe that a heart can actually hurt- by all means, please experience a first break-up. And if that still doesn't work for you, try liking someone a lot and getting your fingers burnt. Well in this instance; your heart. I cant explain the pain, but it is there.

Last night I just wanted to go wild. It felt like I let my guard down with this one person. I let myself down. For the first time in my life I opened myself up to dating, I broke ALL my rules about how I wanted to live my life, about the mannner in which things and my life were to pan out, I allowed myself to see a future with  this person, and I got hurt real bad. I let myself down. So excuse me if I didn't want to act rationally. I thought kissing a stranger would heal the inward wounds.

I do not club. I do not like it. I am the kind of guy  who prefers quiet spaces. Dinner parties, lunches, picnics, hikes, most indoorsy activities, photography, having a good conversation, a bit of reading, road trips, some young travelling, charity work, cooking up a storm (aka experimenting in the kitchen), in fact just now when I woke up I had an urge to make steamed bread plus I've been craving some good meat lately, it became apparent to me in the past hour that even though I've been eating meat, I'm craving braai-ed meat. I like simplicity and quietness. it has always been important to me. And  this is why I have not opened myself up to dating people on campus, it is a small community, almost everyone knows ( and I mean KNOWS) everyone. I cannot (and do not wish to) be involved in drama. So I keep to myself, and I allow myself to know many people but I only allow a few to know me in-depth. I am all about meaningful relations.

This was my second visit to a club. And for the first  time in a long time, I felt like I fit in somewhere. My first club visit was about 2 years ago, in 2012. And after that I swore off Long Street. Perhaps it was the choice of the club this time, perhaps.  Christians are very interesting, the ones I've met atleast, they only love you when they see you. I always think to myself- how convenient! There was a time when I didn't even want to be asked " so- how are things going love? ", because that's the ice-breaker every time they see someone. It feels like such a convenient thing to ask when you see someone. I think people have no right to ask that question if they haven't made an effort to be in your life. They don't and they shouldn't!

Sorry to burst your bubble. I did not end up kissing anyone that night, but I had a good time laughing at everything that was happening around. It was also very interesting to see my friend getting hit on, all the offers. I think had anything happened that night I would have been consumed by guilt the next morning 'cause I received a text from him when I got home. And I felt like crap for overreacting.

I am picking up the pieces of my life.

My family has become strong in faith. For 2 to 3 years of my life I had been praying for them to be saved, for God to be revealed to them. Today, they are the ones praying for me. Though they have no idea what's going on in  my life I know they are praying for me. My younger brother and I have become so close, he is such a man of God. I can already see Daddy's promises regarding his life coming to be. Nothing brings  me greater joy than hearing my mom laugh, she deserves it. Lord knows that woman deserves it. There's such a great hope, so great. I recall a vision I had just prior to my dad's passing, and I knew we would fine, everything was green, calm and peaceful. And that is a place that my family and I are coming into. We are coming into a place in God where no attack of the enemy can touch us. 

When everything else is falling apart there's one thing to focus on, one hope and His name is Jesus. My faith is my mainstay, so that's where I am looking at the moment. When I am successful there, I am successful everywhere. I would like to be more consistent in this area of my life. It is my life. When you stop caring for your faith, you stop caring for your life.

What did I learn from my relationship? Well a lot. It was a pleasant experience. I learned to love, to let go, to be loved, to be secure, to smell good ( 'cause daayme he smells good). I also learnt that it is okay to be boring, I met someone I could lay in bed with and we would just look at the ceiling without saying a word yet it would feel perfect. And you wonder why I could see a future? I learnt to communicate without words, kinda like my leave-tree thing with Daddy. I do not for one moment regret our time, and these lessons serve a much great purpose. There has been some growing up, there's still some more to be done.

Here's some humour: A couple that 'bores' together doesnt stay together :-)

So to picking up the pieces, to focusing, to loving.

T

Extra-matured thoughts

These are but some of the random thoughts I have been having lately around 4am. Thoughts about life- influenced more so by a recent break-up and my exposure to relationships. I suppose this is just me justifying to myself that I HAD to let this go, and that even though it hurts at the moment , there's no need for me to harbor malice and to hold back on forgiveness. This is not to say I was in a toxic relationship. But 'being away' hurts just as bad.

I promised myself
I promised myself I would never be that woman
That woman that habitually returns to their abuser
I promised myself

Rejection is not to your personal value,
it is about the other's preferences.
Do not devalue yourself by being miserable.
Allow people the right to choose what they prefer, 
and if you are not it- well honey; keep on steppin'

I think people always have 2 choices in life
1) To wait and wait and wait miserably until someone
apologizes before they free them-self through forgiveness
or
2)To free them-self from bondage by 'freely' forgiving .

I think option 2 is always better. You avoid all the misery, and all you need is a conversation with self.

We give away our freedom by  being convinced that people owe us an apology

Never let feelings of hurt take away from the feelings of greatness and love that you shared with them. Beautiful memories were meant to be treasured.

Silence speaks volumes. It is the act of not acting. Silence speaks just as well

Love beareth under anything

Never be ready to compromise your beliefs for feelings,
unless that feeling is compassion

Love fully
Love freely
Love like a child, holding nothing back
Love

Though you may not see it, though you may not feeling. It is there. Yes- there's hope for you. Someone can love YOU forever. Believe it!

Yours in love

T

Waiting on 'one' ... nearing the end of a chapter

Trying to convince ourselves that we feel nothing about something that we clearly care about is a lie. I shall refrain from speaking in parables- okay, maybe just a little bit. I am tempted.
I've been waiting all day, for some form of text, a message, something; from you.
I don't know why I keep hoping, I mean- am I the only one that caught the feelings 'fever'? It is very apparent that that is not the case with you.
Funny right? How you thought I'd never fall for someone like you, yet it appears from where I'm standing that you never fell for me. Ironic indeed.

Anyway, this is not for you. This is not about you. This is for me. This is my opportunity to reflect on what was.

You are very special. I've never met anyone who treats me like you do, the things you do. How you tickle me. How you know the right thing to say. I think you are amazing. Thank you for giving me a pleasant first experience. I was hoping you would be the first and the last. You very  well might be.
I think I've pretty much collected all the romantic relationship experience I needed, from 'us'. I would like to hold on to that. And no- this is not 'heartbreak' speaking. I think I am ready for a life alone. I promised myself that I'd give us a try but should we not work out then I was to pursue a life of quietness as a singleton.

I've been waiting for 'one' since 2008 . Quite interesting to me how similar your personalities are, yet not your appearances. So I have decided to wait for 'one' just a little longer... 'a little longer' in my book means until the end of the year, ofcourse. I am convinced that  2014 is the year for me to conclude the romance chapter of my life.

'One' should know that if they show up on the 31st of December at 22h00 then they'll only have 2 hours of my life.

 Here's to becoming all that I have always wanted to be :-)

The break up

22nd April 2014, 22h43

I woke up this morning and I knew it,
It was like we had said our goodbyes the night before
I feel fantastic
Better than I've felt in a while.
The past month has been exciting
I'll go to the extent of saying you are the best thing to have happened to my 2014
The way you kiss me, your eyes. It's been special.
Yeah I've fallen you.
Fallen hard and good.
But I am proud
Too proud product to allow myself to get hurt.
Why do I feel fantastic?
I don't know.
I woke up feeling free this morning.
It's hard to say this but I think I ought to go,
ought to go and leave 'us'.
I cant be that guy that fell for you when you are still holding back,
You are holding back so much when I've let my guard down. 
I cant play a losing game.
I already lost, I fell for you.
I have a lot more to lose.
I cant be thinking about you when I have no idea what you are thinking about.
There's a term for that- mental slavery.
I cant be talking about you when I'm not all you talk about.
I cant be the one checking my phone at 22h43 anymore,
concerned about how we havent spoken all day.
That hurts.
I like how you said you have flaws and all,
well so do I.
And out of love I'm willing to put up with yours,
But you are still holding back.
You are not in this a hundred.
I know he hurt you ...
It's just knowing that you can not be all fully mine
for now, for the next while- until you've dealt with the pain of your past.
And that's why I am going.
'Cause I'm not sure I can wait a while.

Goodbye mabebeza
Atleast we had a dream about our Ryan and Isaiah.
May your passion never die.

Goodbye love

Unanswered questions ...

I cant help but wonder why it never worked out between us,
You always said you loved me
Yet I never experienced it.
Why didnt it work out?
How come you never pursued me like you did your other lovers?
You said you loved the chase,
Was there something wrong with me?
Is it me?

The 2 years I spent crying over you
I could die
Seeing you was hard
Just running into
The thoughts of bumping into tortured me
I keep wondering though, 
Was I not enough?
Pretty enough?
Sexy enough?
Lookable enough?

How come you never considered me?
How come you made dinner dates with me but never fulfilled them?
I walked to your place, only to have you not answer your phone.
Was that the plan?
To break me?
Well- standing ovation, you did!
I spent 2 years recovering from the shame.
Every once in a while I feel myself slipping back into the same cycle. 

Why do fools fall in love ?

The can-opener

I was just opening a can of jam that's been in my cupboard for over a month now and my mind delved down to my childhood memories. Despite everything, I had a lovely childhood. All the games we played: house, tennis (our own version which involved jumping and ducking the ball whilst earning points), "being Boom Shaka", ofcourse I was Lebo. I enjoyed being a child. Growing up at the prime of shebeen-ownership made life all the more exciting, I didn't need to try sneak in, I just had to wait until Friday night and my whole family would go to Aus'Betty's.There we'd find many other families, women sitting there to ensure that by the end of the night the man has given the weekly sustenance allowance before "boxing up" the remainder. The joys of the new millenium. I remember I had read a book whilst visiting my grandparents called 'The nightingales' and it felt like (after reading the book) all the excitement of Sophiatown had translated into the age of my upbringing. Or atleast I had become conscious of it. The music, the fashion, everything. I grew up in a generation of experimentalists, I remember watching movies on video. Reading various local magazines. Watching Yotv and Tube. I had a lovely childhood.

So many special memories. The number of times my dad changed his beers brands, initially he only drank Hansa, then Black Label, then both. In the years leading to his passing he drank Castle Light. Interesting to me that never a Castle, a normal Castle Lager. He said he hated the taste.

Why am I reminiscing? Well it took a can opener to take me there, see- every time I grab my can opener I'm reminded of my dad and the weekends with  my family. He was paid on Fridays, but sometimes he would not give mom the 'allowance', then on Saturday afternoon he would come home with about 4 cans, a mixture of: baked beans, peas, spaghetti in tomato sauce and artchaar. And he would mix everything together and that would be our lunch. We called the meal "Spai-kos", whatever that means! My mom would be so angry, saying did he think this would be food for the week. Though this would often end up in a fight, just the memory of everything is just so beautiful to me. How far we've come.

Today I was just thinking about my life, about where I want to be. I've met someone. You know yesterday I did the weirdest thing- I normally buy a big tub of yoghurt, but instead I got the small 6-pack. Reminds me of home.

Thoughts of the dawn

Relationships

We do not go into relationships to be defined by them,

actually- we go in to share ourselves and to learn. They are a life-learning-love-affair, relationships.

We do not go in to lose ourselves to the other party- we must maintain our individuality. That's why we are different after all right? Our individuality? Our personality?

It is about relating- though (hopefully) one(united) in purpose, they allow us to bring traits to the table that the other may not have; and the event that they do(have the traits)-well, the sharpening thereof. After all: iron sharpens iron.

Though we ought to compromise- I say be open to compromising to the extent that you have a clear conscience.

Conscience is everything- it reminds us of the values we hold dear.

As one author once said: "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything"

I have watched many movies and interestingly I have discovered that most of the time when someone has cheated on their partner (driven more by emotional connections than lust) is asked why they did it, the reply is often:

" He saw me (the real me- like you never did). He took note of me"

Then this morning it hit me. People will never see you (for who you are) unless you see (and take note of) yourself (the real you). Least of all the people you are currently in relationships with. It is when you start "becoming" that you attract those that "see" (and take note of) your light. 

The past few weeks have made me feel as though I had become everything I have always not wanted to be. Then yesterday I read a Joyce Meyer quote where she says " Don't mourn bad decisions- overcome them with good ones". 

Consistency/Diligence

The other day a friend of mine said she would not do something with anymore because I was inconsistent. Initially it was a hard one to swallow. I was hurt and offended. But aren't we always? Especially when someone addresses something that is truthful about us. I had always had problems being consistent. My argument? " Oh I get bored easily. Things must be more exciting. I have come to the end of 'this' journey". Oh boy! How many of us have said that, right? 

Interestingly- inconsistency is really costly. Like seriously expensive. Consider all the failures you have suffered- what is at the core? Bad decisions demonstrating the inability to apply ourselves consistently (ie make good decisions every time). How much have we spent re-doing courses? Joining societies at the beginning of the yearly merely driven by excitement and not following through? Up-downs in our faith walk? Prayer life? Health? Inconsistency is costly. The costs are more than financial, it is the suffering you endure- the consequences of bad decision making. Someone recently said that there is no such a thing as "time management", it is about self-management. How true this is! " A man without self control is like a city without walls" (Proverbs). It is not easy BUT it is worth it. The bible in Proverbs 12:27  says "The lazy do not roast any game, BUT the diligent feed (feast) on the riches of the hunt". So diligence is a conscious effort, a decision. We can conclude that it is the act of DOING something right over and over until it is mastered. It is an action. Whether it is the consistency to study the Word, to pray, to stick to your blood-type based diet despite your weakness for pumpkin which is precluded (talking about self), or just loving consistently; may PahPah-God grant you the strength to press on and push on, because it is His will for us to have (and cultivate) good habits and to enjoy everyday life.

Welcome to the Thabang "becoming" diary

Looking forward > moving forward ... It is all about love for me

I don't know how I have managed to get some posts together. Or maybe I  am going through a "writer's block" phase? Hey, I wonder how people who are employed writers manage to produce work after work. Respect!

So 2014 has had an interesting start. I think I should begin by sharing with you what Daddy said to me last year in December. Actually, perhaps the starting point should be how my varsity break was, as I have said on numerous accounts that I would write about it

2013 was challenging for me, I could say the second half of 2012 was too? But I think you'd have a better idea of what I went through in 2013 by just going through my posts on here. The year felt really lonely. The best thing that happened last year was having the opportunity to tutor with the College of Accounting at UCT. Tutoring kept me sane! I thank God for that! You know it is true that Daddy will cause everything to work for our good. Tutoring was that one thing that I needed to feel in line with my purpose when seemingly everything else was falling apart.
            In case you didn't know- I am passionate about education and teaching.
What was going on in 2013? Relationships! If you went through my post about my dad you would understand why relationships would be challenging for me. I felt somewhat "abused" in my friendships, unappreciated! I felt that I had to constantly pursue people, yet no one was pursuing me. I guess I felt unloved- being aware of this, I felt like a hypocrite- how could I profess to "know" the Father's love when I want to be loved by people. I kept wondering whether His love was enough for me. Guilt! Guilt! Knowing that He loves me yet- wanting to feel "loved" by those around me.

Okay, I am a really affectionate person. One of those that easily "catch" feelings. I care about people, I love people. How I have wished to feel just as loved as I know that I love. The other thing also is that I am not entirely open about my life, my feelings and myself. I guess I keep some rooms to myself, but I also think it depends on the relationship. if you ask anyone who has spent time with me, you will know that we spend a lot more time talking about them and how they are doing. I just cant seem to be able to effectively communicate what is going on in my life. It just seems too complicated to share with a "mere" man I guess?  However, I seem very effective in asking the right questions to find out how other people are doing.
What was happening last year? I actually don't know. I guess I was just tired of relationships that were one-sided. The hardest part was my birthday- spending it alone. Though in the end I had great fun, it was just knowing that some people forgot and that some "friends" didn't even know that date. I think the way I saw life after that changed. Relationships are very important to me, and contrary to popular belief- I actually look for depth. I love getting to know people, finding out about their passions and visions. And I look for virtue in people! It is knowing that the people I associate with treat others as they too would like to be treated. That deep!
In hindsight I can say that as difficult as everything was, I am glad I went through this period. I am more at peace with how things ended with some people, I got the closure I needed. I learnt that blocking someone off social networks is not the way to deal with unresolved feelings. I am happy that I got my closure. I left some faith activities because I realised that they were dragging me behind, causing me to question the value God on me. Not worth it!

So when I left Cape Town in November I had set in my heart to use the varsity break to find myself and ultimately to decide what I wanted. Whether it would be Daddy or something else. I felt that I had become very distracted by everything that was happening in my life that I had lost sight of Him. And He says " keep your eyes fixed on ME, the author and the finisher of your faith". I needed this time. When I got home things were a bit slow ... I wasn't where I needed to be in my walk with Daddy but I was very happy to be back at my home-church. There's just something about being home. Finally there came a turning point, it is like something happened. A fight between heaven and hell (for me), and heaven won 'cause suddenly my eyes were open to see- really see. I dedicated time to the Word and worship, just feasting in the presence of the Lord- it was then that Daddy God said to me concerning 2014: " You are the greatness of God revealed". Wow! What a Word! 2 days later I received a confirmatory message from someone I didn't know, through one of my blog posts, who just wrote "the greatness of God revealed". Wow- what a confirmation!  I was so encouraged-  God's love became my reality, it is almost like I can physically lean on Him. He was a reality. He began to fill me with dreams for the new year, things I would do to get  my life more exciting. one of which is cooking . Love it! Pure bliss! My "new" dreams seemed to have a common thread: consistence and persistence. Funny thing is, these have always been  the most challenging virtues for me.

I had such a great time at home, my mom turned 40 and we threw a big party. It was at this event that my dad's last photo was taken. Interesting thing about life hey, you may just be taking your last photo.

In the week that my dad got ill we prayed, every time I prayed I felt that I was wasting my time, on the inside of me I knew he was gone. Yet I kept praying- it felt like unbelief. It was draining to do. What I would continually see though was a bright future, everything taken care of. It was almost  like his passing would lead to this bright future. you have no idea how bad I felt. I saw him the day before his passing, he looked old. But he didn't look like someone that could die in a few hours- that's what my mom and I find puzzling. He would not even look at us, it was as though he had suddenly become impatient. I remember just how worried my mom was, she even called him that evening to see if he was fine, and he promised that he was fine. That call that we dreaded came through just after 3am, though in bed- none of us could see. I remember my mom answering the phone, her last words were " Druza- what are you doing to me?". 'Cause I didn't hear her cry , I thought it was a false alarm. My mom is a strong woman. She made sure everything was fine. It was so painful when the kids found out, especially my little brother. but God help him.

I think the funeral threw me off, making the arrangements was exhausting. I really enjoyed spending time with my mom. I did everything to make her laugh. A smile had become so rare on her face, that at  any  sign of a smile, my heart would leap for joy. Having to return to CT a week after the funeral was the hardest- not knowing if they are fine, if they were coping. It was such a challenge. Praise God for cellphones.


Cape Town has been an interesting time. I will say that I have grown in Daddy's love. I have. I can put up with a lot of things that people do without feeling bad about myself. I have also become much more comfortable - with myself. How you ask? Joyce Meyer overload.  I think I like myself now, and yes I believe that I am beautiful.
Inside-out.

I had the most wonderful Saturday last weekend, I got to spend time with Syd. Hadn't seen him in about a month- but we go to the same institution. I don't know what we actually did; I guess it was just about being together at that time in that space. We went to Manhattans , a gay bar in Greenpoint. Such a great time.

Here's to a wonderful life <3

A father's love ... death is a thief.

Dear blog,

I hope you are well.

I havent written in such a long time and boy did a lot of things change during the 3 month long varsity break. I do not even know where to begin as I attempt to fill you in.

Well the 12th of this month marked 5 months since Boaz's family found out about his passing, but most recently for me and my family, it marks a month since my step-dad passed away. For a couple of years leading to his passing I was comfortable referring to him as my "step-dad" as I narrated stories of all the abuse I had suffered in my upbringing under his hand to anyone who would listen. But now, writing this, and over the past couple of weeks, having had so many different dreams about him, I acknowledge that that man was my father. I know this from the inner-most part of me. He was my father! Obviously our relationship was a difficult one. I do not think any child would appreciate their mother being bruised and abused, this being emotional or physical. They just begin to hate the perpetrator. I didnt care what he did to me. Children who are exposed to abuse lose sight of themselves. My concern was my mom. I cant even begin to count the number of nights I spent with one eye opened, wondering if he would chase her with  a knife again. Wondering if there'd be another argument which would lead to a major fight. I remember the one time they had such a big fight, that even afterwards I was still so scared that I couldnt calm down. I cried until I started puking.  Perhaps this was the way of life in this place of my birth. A squatter-camp on the outskirts of Pretoria. This, my home, a place alienated by governments and forced into a municipality that no one wanted to belong to: the North-West.

If I could write a letter to my dad, it would read as follows:

Dear Dad,

I want you to know that at the time of your passing I had forgiven you. In fact, when I got saved in 2009, God renewed my heart and I forgave you completely. I know we never shared many conversations as was the case when I was an only child. I could not relate to you anymore. I know I have forgiven you and everything, but all the things you did to me- to my mom, they affected me. Growing up I struggled with self-worth issues. This was after Remo (my little bro) was born. I did not feel like a priority anymore. Things changed. Then I found out that day when you were drunk with your friends that you were not my real dad. In my mind, it all added up, how you changed as soon as he was born. What hurt the most was how you always insulted me for have only female friends. How bad it made you look. I remember how you tried to bribe me, saying you'd give me money everyday to go play pool just so i'd stop playing with girls. I wanted to do it, to make you proud. But you never left the money.
I was so proud that one Friday night when we were at Roba-letheka's shebeen, and you had one ball left to win the pool game, then I insisted that you let me play for you. I remember how everyone watched in anticipation to see if I'd get the ball in. And how they cheered when I helped you win. You were so happy.... so proud. You'd keep saying to mom (and people), "he's a good boy, if only he would stop playing with girls". I dont know why I was like that. I wished you could have understood.

In 2008 you turned me against my mom, yet you never knew it. She didnt know how much I despised her, and I did. I hated that she would pack up our stuff every time you had a big physical fight, only to unpack and go through the same motions again, over and over. She did this even after you pulled a gun on  my face in February 2007. Even after you hit me in April of 2008. She still came back. What hurt most was in April 2008, when I was convinced that I would be free from all the abuse, then you ruined it for me. You promised to buy her a laundry machine just so she could stay. I felt worthless, that she valued that machine more than me. All those things, every single one of them made me feel inferior. I could not receive free gifts without a sense of guilt. I never liked branded clothes, and when my aunt would do things for me, I would feel unworthy as she lavished me in expensive clothing. It took me a long time to get over those feelings. Even when I got to varsity those emotions continued to haunt me. This has become the story of every child who's been abused, or been exposed to abuse. They feel worthless. All I ever needed was your love.

But I want you to know that I forgave you.

You were my dad, my only dad growing up. I recall the Christmas goodies you'd get from work every December, and all the clothes you'd buy for me. I always have this memory of us together, I must have been 6 or 7, when I fell and bit my tongue. Dad, it was so painful, but you made it better, just your being there. My head on your fatherly thighs. I felt so safe! That's a one memory I have always treasured of you. You, my dad.
Remo and I will always remember the goodies you'd bring back every Friday after getting paid, the chips and the pies from BunnySmile. All the yogurts from Meatgood. We would always look forward to your arrival on Fridays.

And I wanna thank you.

I do not think I would ever be where I am without everything I went through growing up. Books and tv became my hiding place. I wouldnt have needed a hiding place had my life been smooth sailing. So maybe this was my destiny. I worked hard just because I wanted a better life for my mom. So thank you, 'cause indeed God has caused all things together for my good.

I want you to know that I cried a lot at your burial.
In the week of your passing I felt strong, I kept feeling like this was an indirect death, that it didnt affect me. Maybe I wanted to be strong for the kids. But on the day that your lifeless body was brought home I couldnt hold back on the tears. I realised that I loved you, you were my dad. I loved you for myself and for my siblings, because they love you dearly. Pontsa(my little sister) misses you so much! Your passing hurt them. I was worried about Remo, but God is good- he's much stronger than I thought.

I have become their dad. I want the best for them. We packed away all your machinery and tools and locked up for Remo's future. I worry about mom sometimes though .. when I call her, her voice is so low. I'm just happy to hear her laugh once in a while during our conversations. It is sad that you passed 2 weeks before I headed back to Cape Town. I would have felt more comfortable being home with them during this time. But it is well!
What was hard for me at the cemetery was realizing that man's life possibly ends in a box like yours. Glamorous and ll, yet still a box. A lifeless box! I couldnt believe that I was pouring a bit of soil on your coffin. Yours!
You are still very much alive to me....  I find myself singing all those 'weird" gospel songs you used to play by Barorisi ba Morena , I grew into them, I guess. I even play them on youtube. Sometimes I just stare at that last photo of you that was taken from mom's 40th birthday celebration, in disbelief I keep hoping this was untrue. I've had so many dreams about you this week, each one different. Am I thinking about you a lot?

When I prayed for your wellness I told Daddy God how I wished for you to see me graduate at the end of this year, and that you would see my first car. I wish this was the case. But it is well!

I am happy to have seen you the day before you gave up your spirit.

I will miss how you always called me "pastor", and how your opinion of me had changed over the years.

Papa, ke a leboga. Ka go  gopola.
I miss you!

I wish I had not delayed these words.

I love you, now and always.



Blog, I have so much to share with you about my break, so much growth. But I feel exhausted, so I will expand on  another post.
But I plan on having regular posts this year.

All my love
WaJesu